The sound of silence, Merry Christmas.

You expect when the phone rings in the middle of the night that it's bad news. You don't expect it at 4:45pm. It's usually a telemarketer or a bill collector or my father calling at that time. Today, the news was bad. How is it that a teenager comes to end their life? The only nephews and nieces I had were through marriage. I still came to love them over time as my own. I still think warmly of them even seven years after my divorce. My nephew Jonathan hung himself this morning between the hours of midnight and 2am Christmas day. His father found him several hours later. "Johnny" as everyone called him had been dead for several hours. Nothing could be done.

My ex-wife called me with news this afternoon. My heart is broken for her and her family. They were a very big and involved family. I come from a dysfunctional family. I am a survivor of suicide. My brother killed himself in 1980. Carbon Monoxide. I don't know what's been happening with Johnny. He was a good kid while I knew him. I have known six people now that have committed suicide. Each time it was shocking.

There are no answers.

There is grief.

There is the sound of silence.

True Grit

True Grit is a play on words. I work on a machine that unwinds, flexes then rewinds large sanding belts for the company that makes tape, post it, and other things. It truly is a boring job that I did not have in mind, when I graduated from high school. I have stumbled, bumbled, and fumbled my way here. I am only a temp worker and hoping to get hired so I can get benefits and higher pay. I look at the older workers around me with 20-30 years on the job and I cringe. It's a life sucking, mind numbing existence.

I am enough of a grown up to realize that I can't keep pissing away chances in life. I have done that too many times in relationships and jobs. I have a worthless degree that I owe a third world countries debt on. I am really tired tonight. I can't wait for this weekend, Memorial Day. The weather will be bad as usual.

I get to see my daughter on June 8th. She is coming for a visit. I sent her a pair of the trendy Heelies. They are tennis shoes with skates built into them, only $59.99 while supplies last. I try to make up for the lack of time I spend with her with presents. It's sad and the same thing my father did with me.

A salesman's son

Cat's in the cradle
He's gone for a week
North and South Dakota

Too tired tonight, just a drink
Sits in his chair
All in the Family

Next week Wisconsin
Sorry about the game
He missed another one


peace

dumbdavid

RENT

It's hard to believe it's been since October since I have written in my blog. I also just learned after the long layoff that Google has devoured another piece of the Internet. I use Google so I am ambivalent I guess.

I just watched the movie version of Rent again. I found a really cheap copy at a pawn shop so I bought it. It's ironic that I like the movie so much. I am pretty conservative in most of my life. I think it's the intense relationships in the story of Rent that get me. I am moved by the story lines of AIDS, drug addiction in the movie and in real life. I have interacted with HIV positive patients at the hospital where I use to work at. I also know numerous gay people in my life.

I have written about my brother's suicide before. I don't recall if I mentioned his suicide note or not. I am too tired to go back and re-read all my posts. My brother mentioned in his note that he "questioned" his sexuality. He died in February of 1980. It was not common, in suburbia of the Midwest, to be openly gay as it is now back in 1980. My brother probably correctly guessed my parents would not be accepting of his homosexuality. He never mentioned it to me either.

AIDS came to the public awareness in 1981. It was called the Gay Men's cancer. I won't go into the politics of AIDS. RENT was written by Jonathon Larson. It tells the story of a group of friends living with AIDS in New York during 1989-90. The play became a huge success right after the tragic death of Larson. The national acceptance of homosexuality has made it much easier for people to honest with who they are. Just for the record, I don't think people choose to be gay. People are born straight or gay, it's not a lifestyle. I am heterosexual. I wish my brother would have had this environment to grow up in. Anthony Rapp, who plays Mark in Rent, has said in interviews he still receives letters from teenagers who are gay and appreciate his openness of his sexuality. They state that RENT made a huge difference in their lives.

I am tired. Today is Mother's Day. I miss my Mom a lot. It's hard to believe she has been dead two years now. Happy Mother's Day from your son and granddaughter.

peace

dumbdavid