"You can't be in it until your in it."
Well I just re-watched the Grey's Anatomy's episode where George's Dad died. My dad is still alive. I wanted to feel sad tonight and now I do. That's also a line from a movie that's slipped from my mind. I didn't write on the three year anniversary of my Mom dying. I did call my Dad and told him I was thinking of him. I use to call my Mom on the anniversary of my brother's death to tell her the same thing.
It's hard to believe it's been three years since she died. My father and I had to go through the same decision process that George's family went through about letting her go. My Mom had a stroke and her organs were shut down.
I am probably repeating the process I went through with my brother's death. I lived in a chemical denial then and paid a horrible price for it. I thought I had been dealing with Mom's death pretty good. Tonight, it doesn't feel that way. The worst part is I am getting scared.
My Father's health isn't great. He is three pack a day smoker with high blood pressure and a family history of stroke. He is 68 years old and sits in front of the TV eating fatty foods. I am dreading the telephone call that is bound to come sooner than later.
I don't have any family left except for my Father and my daughter who is 11. How am I going to get through that time with no real support system. I just passed my 8 year sobriety birthday[Yeah!]. When Mom died it was really hard. Watching my Dad get drunk those first few nights after she died help keep me sober. It was hard to sit there while he was suffering but I put his needs first. I sat there listening to him tell stories about her and our family.
What will I do when he is gone. I don't have any real close friends. The reasons aren't important but they are all gone. It's mostly my fault so I don't blame any of them. I guess it's just wait and see.
I figured out the line about feeling sad. It's from Indian Summer. A group of friends reunite at the Summer Camp where they grew up because it scheduled to close. Beth is widower and she says the line when asked why she came up to the camp.
Jack: Why'd you come up?
Beth: Because... I wanted to be sad. Now I'm sad.
I totally get that feeling. I feel sad and I will watch certain movies or tv shows to amplify it. I am a Masochist I guess.
peace
dumbdavid
