Preacher knockin' at the door

A preacher knocked on my door to day. He wanted to speak about Christ and to pray. I am a Christian but I'm uncomfortable with evangelists. It was several uncomfortable minutes until he finally left. I went for a walk after dinner and the news of Hurrincan Katrina. It was perfect evening with a sunset. I thought about the last five months and how things have improved. I am making some positive changes but it is slow, too slow. That's all for tonight.

peace

dumbdavid

Pay it forward....

I am watching Pay it Forward again as I get ready for work. I turned the channel as the junkie that Trevor had helped has found the woman trying to jump off the bridge. The Junkie[Jim Caviezel], ends up asking the lady to do him a favor and save his life. It is very moving. I have seen that scene from both perspectives. I have been on the bridge ledge and also at the bottom of addiction. This is excerpted from my book, Drinking, Denial, Damage, Done, available at www.lulu.com/dumbdavid

The Bridge

The bridge still calls me

Even after these years

I feel the rusted steel

Under my hand as I climb

The bridge still calls me

Sometimes late at night

When I’m alone and down

I remember the wind in my hair

The bridge haunts me

Knowing how close it had been

I’m sure I could flown free

Far and high that night

The bridge is inside me now

Torn down for progress

Made the right choice then

Fate just wasn’t meant to be

The bridge still calls me

The lonely desperate man/boy

Too much pain you see

I am sure I could have flown away

August Storm

We just had a wicked storm pass through here with hail and high winds and at least an inch of rain. It was nice earlier today with the weather in the mid 70's. I rode my bike for about an hour hitting a couple of garage sales. You don't know what a convienance driving a car is until you are forced to walk or ride a bike full-time. My license was suspended and car towed for no insurance. I know it was stupid to drive it that way but I was out of work for four months at the beginning of this year. I could of gotten my license back around July 21st, but don't have the money needed to do it. I have to provide proof of insurance even though I don't own a car anymore. Impound lot kept it as abandoned since I couldn't pay towing or storage. I lost a lot of personal belongings in the car that they wouldn't let me retrieve. I am stuck where I am at with no transportation for job interviews out of town. I just can't see the situation getting better. I work as many hours as possible but don't get to keep much of my pay.

I am faced with filing for bankruptcy. I have a combined debt of over $122,000 including student loans, bank loans, credit cards and other things. No house mortage or current car loans are in this amount, don't have them. I sat down today adding up all my debts and did research. It sounds like it wil cost me at least $1000.00 to file bankruptcy which I don't have either. Basically I'm fucked! The student loans started at $35,000 consolidated with my ex-wifes. Interest has been kicking it up with the use of deferrments and forebarences.

My dad just told me recently that when he dies and I get his cabin that I have to pay off a $100,000 tax lien. I should clear about the same amount above paying off his lien. I feel terribly greedy even thinking about this. I am also afraid he will die slowly like my mother and I will have to endure that again. I guess I am a greedy, narcisstic, shallow prick because of these thoughts. I have noticed my negative self talk is getting worse again. There is a scene in the movie "Sliding Doors" with Gweneth Paltrow where her boyfriend is talking to himself in the bathroom mirror. "You're talking to yourself in the mirror again." I don't do that but I am not nice to myself either. I guess that is one reason I call my blog dumbdavid.

It's hard to have a low self-esteem,
when you don't have any....

peace

dumbdavid

2:12am on my day off

It is a weird lifestyle when you work the overnight schedule. I basically work two days on two days off twelve hour shifts. I try and stay up late on my days off so my body stays adjusted to the night schedule. I am basically a vampire that can tolerate the sun with sunscreen.

It sounds like I have a new neighbor upstairs. It had been pretty quiet the last month but it's constant walking and moving stuff tonight. We'll have a talk tomorrow. It sucks where I live but it's the only thing I can afford. Plus, there is no long term lease. I want to move back down south where my daughter lives[with ex] but there is little work.

I just spent a half an hour searching through online personal ads. It was depressing. I can't really look for anyone right now. I am kind of a mess. It is hard to date with no car. I have really fallen down since my divorce in 2000. I turn 40 next month which I am cool with. It's strange looking at woman my age on the internet. Most of them look really old. I have been told I look really young. I barely have any gray hairs except in my moustache.

I am listening to depressing love songs from the 70's and 80's right now. Roberta Flack is singing the "first time ever I saw your face...." I have been really blessed in loving three women in my life and having them love me back. The relationships didn't work out for various reasons. I am as much at fault as anything. It took me a few years to figure this out. It is amazing what perspective sobriety can bring to you. Writing poetry and posting on the web have also given my a chance to stand back and look at things objectively, honestly.

"Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels" Joni sings so sweet. I miss the 70's and 80's sometimes. I guess that's part of growing older, the reminiscing.


Reminiscing

Sing the times that have passed
The chorus echoes in all of us
Cry for the people left behind too
They were smoke rings that blew away
Summers with Simon and Garfunkel
America still out there to find
Passing the high water mark
It's reminiscing for a moment

peace

dumbdavid

Feeding depression[aka China Buffet}

I went and stuffed myself on China Buffet tonight. It's only 7.99 for all the MSG you can take. I went and rented the movie Sin City. I had not read the comics but I am a fan of Quentin Tarintino and Robert Rodriguez. Mickey Rourke steals the movie but unless you know which character he is you wouldn't recognize him.

Tonight's topic is feeding your depression. This can be literal like overeating or using chemicals, or it can relate to watching depressing movies. I do both of these things usually on the second version. I am without healthcare right now and do not qualify any longer for Medical Assistance. I have tried Celexa, Effexor, and Wellbutrin. I had the best success with Celexa with the least side effects. I have been off it for two years now but I am wondering if I should start again. I have been through counseling but don't seem to resolve ongoing negativity on my outlook.

I am in a vicious circle in my life where I can't seem to fix things and they just get worse. I am now without a car and have little income. I just learned I have until October to file for Bankruptcy before the law changes. My student loans are hounding me along with my ex-wife who has combined hers with mine back in 1996. I just don't know what to do. I haven't seen my daughter since Memorial Day. This is the longest I have ever gone without seeing her.

She deserves more...

peace

dumbdavid

Sleep deprivation

I worked last night for the large tape manufacturer. I returned home an hour early due to our production line being down. I only slept one hour and woke up. I looked at the clock without my glasses and thought it was 1pm. This is a normal time for me to get up after nightshift. I went and took a shower feeling like I hadn't slept. I looked at the clock again as I finally got dressed, 7:30am. Ooops. I keep a blanket over the window so it is easier for me to sleep. I was wide awake after the shower so I just stayed up. I am trying to stay up tonight to stay in sync with night schedule but it's hard. My mood always drops when I am really tired or crashing from lack of sugar or caffeine. I gave up drinking five years ago and now I am a sugar junkie. I guess it is a common problem with heroin users but I thought coffee and smokes were the only vice of the aa crew. Ha!

I haven't gone to AA in over a year because of numerous factors. The big one is the time committment. That big moral inventory of step 4 is a bitch too. I have been moving too much and working too many hours to have any consistent routine. I have only been tempted right when my mother died in April. I guess I am too afraid of what would happen if I drank again. I was lucky to stop when I did. Did I mention it is winefest on the Mosel river in Germany. What a wonderful reason to sit down and celebrate. Like the Germans needed another one. The Air Force was brilliant sending a problem drinker to a country where every weekend there is a festival, holiday, something to get drunk for. I am rambling.

I will leave you with the lyrics from George Thorogood, "When I drink alone, I prefer to be by myself....."

peace

dumbdavid

Law and Order: SVU

Tonight was a repeat episode of a teenage girl who murders her alcoholic mother. It is a powerful episode where the lead detective, "Oliva" reveals that she endured a similiar childhood with an alcoholic mother. I don't remember large chunks of my childhood and I guess it is because I repress it. I do remember the times my father whipped me with his belt. I will never forget the sound of his belt clearing the loops of his pants. I have written about it in my poetry but just this event. My parents were 5 o'clock drinkers. Every night was happy hour until they went to bed. I don't remebering them being drunk much except my mother when I was in high school. My older brother ran away several times and eventually killed himself. I never thought about why he was running and we never talked about it. He and my dad would get into screaming matches. I remember that.

It's funny how time changes things. My mother died in April of this year after a long battle with Congestive Heart Failure. Dad and I have a good relationship now. We both kind of need each other. Our only family left is on my Mom's side and they mostly blame my Dad for her death. He refused to quit smoking and drinking. Mom kept up with him until she had no choice but the ventilator to survive. I am starting to believe my mom killed herself in slow motion. She had a triple bypass in 1996 but went right back to smoking and drinking. My book of poems has the first section dedicated to her.

peace

dumbdavid

Hello, from dumbdavid

I am posting a new blog that I am transitioning from another site[diaryland]. Here is a link to my collection of poems at lulu.com entitled Drinking, Denial, Damage, Done


Drinking, Denial, Damage, Done