Moonlight Mile

I take a big step tomorrow. I will be paying for the printing of my book. It will become a real thing. It was just electronic bits of information before. A paper copy is a tough phase for me to go through. It opens a can of worms for me. I am debating showing my father the book. I selfishly want him to be proud of my writing. I am afraid that it would cause him pain though if he reads it. It's been such a journey the last four years with some of these poems. I don't know if he would be able to see that or just the emotions of each one. There is anger and resentment in some of them. It was the only way I could deal with the onward death march my Mom was making. My father was an active participant and I have forgiven him. Okay, I haven't actually said "I forgive you." I have thought it through and realize I had to let those feelings go or they would eat at me.


I just finished watching the movie Moonlight Mile. It deals with loss of a couples daughter and fiance of the main character played by Jake Gyllenhaal. I had no expectations for the film. I was brought to tears of course. I seem to cry at everything now. It's a very good film. The tears are just another symptom of my ongoing depression. I am listening to the soundtrack to Garden State. I identify with the main character "Large" in Garden State. We both returned home for the funerals of our mothers. I guess my mother's death has triggered a new downward turn for me I can't seem to shake. I don't have healthcare right now. I am debating going to the doctor because I can't afford ongoing counseling. I have been in counseling off and on for four years with limited success. I have been prescribed three different anti-depressants during this time.

I have decided to take my writing to the next stage. I watched the extras of Garden State. Zach Braff spoke of the collection of stories he had that he turned into the screenplay for Garden State. I have been writing short narratives and saving them. These didn't fit into any poetry forms so I was just riffing and saved them. I also wrote the start of screenplay of the weekend I moved home. It will probably lead to nothing. It just feels good writing it down. I have lived so internalized in my life. Writing is like popping a zit. It lets the bad ooze out and then healing can begin. I just need to keep healing, get better.

peace

dumbdavid

Garden State part deux

I just finished watching Garden State again. I highly recommend it. Go to IMDB for plot summary as I am too tired to summarize. I was at work on Thursday when something strange came over me. I was standing at the end of the production line where I am a temp. They pay 8.80 an hour to catch power sanding disks coming off the line and put them on a rack. A robot could do the same job, better. It doesn't require any brain power so I spend twelve hours daydreaming mostly. Thursday I was suddenly overcome with grief and sadness.

I just started thinking about my Mom. I thought about her last day alive. She was unconcious by the time I made it to the hospital. She had suffered another stroke. The doctor told us, my father and I, that there was nothing else they could do and her organs were shutting down. She had been on a ventillator for the previous nine months. The doctor it would be best to turn off the ventillator and keep her comfortable with medicine[morphine]. I can't imagine how "comfortable" dyings is but it looks to be the most horrible thing. Mom was unconcious but the suffering was there. I didn't get a last conversation with her like some do in the movies. I stayed with her during her last 23 hours except for eating meals with my dad. He went back to the hotel room to drink because he couldn't stand watching it happen. I felt like I had to stay so she wouldn't be alone.

The next day I went outside with my dad so he could have a smoke. I made it back to her room before him. He stopped to use the facilities. I found her dead. I wasn't there when it happened. She died in the ten minutes we were outside. I feel guilty for not being there. People, staff, tell me that they see it happen all the time. The patients seem to be aware when family leaves. The patients supposedly die then trying to save the family the pain of watching the end. It's all I have been doing the last fifteen months.

I watched Garden State for the first time before my mother passed away. I watched it again after and it really hit me hard. I identified with Large from the first viewing but having the context of my mothers death brought new emotional depth to me. I used to watch Ordinary People when I was feeling sad. I so identified with Jared and his loss of an older brother. I was never able to emotionally cope with my grief when I was younger. I drank to numb the pain of my brothers death. I have five years of sobriety now. I am finally, and slowly dealing with my Mother's death in a healthier way. I suppose to an outsider, watching a movie to help understand and cope with a death of a parent is odd. Well, I am odd.

I like what Sam says to Largeman torwards the end of movie, "That's life. If nothing else, its life. It's real, and sometimes it fuckin' hurts, but it's sort of all we have."

Yeah, it fuckin' hurts a lot.

peace

dumbdavid

One day and a wake-up

It's almost d-day for my 40th birthday[Friday]. I am getting ready for work today. I work today and tomorrow but have this weekend off. My paycheck was what I expected but not enough to do anything for my birthday. It kind of sucks how my birthday has become a depressing time each year. It's not really because I am getting older, but since the divorce I am always broke. I did have better paying jobs before but now I am in rut. I can't quit this job and I can't find anyting better because of my transportation problems. I think back to when my dad turned forty and he had owned three different houses, had two new cars in garage and went on good vacations each year. My only vacations as an adult were paid by Uncle Sam. I went to the dentist last Friday and they want $1200 to fix one tooth. I need two fixed or pulled. I don't have dental insurance so I guess I must suffer.

peace

dumbdavid

1 week to 40th bday.....OMFG!

You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension - a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind. You're moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. You've just crossed over into the Twilight Zone.

I can't believe my 40th birthday is one week from tomorrow. Lucky for me I won't have to endure a terrible party. My mother really got my dad on his 40th. I guess that's what makes it so weird. He seemed old and grown up and I guess I am pretty immature.
I think that's an honest assessment of myself. It would probably explain some of my poor decisions I have made. I read in college that when a person becomes addicted to drugs or alcohol in adolescence it stops their emotional maturity at that point. I don't know exactly what point I became an alcoholic but it was pretty early on. I never was a normal drinker.

I have been sober five years now. I think I am slowly making progress in some areas. I have paid my rent on time for three months straight. This is a new record for me since my divorce. I am thinking of getting myself a massage for my birthday. I did this the first couple of years after my divorce. It's really nice and it also gives me some contact with another human being. It's weird when you go days or months without the touch of another person. It's the main reason I wanted to divorce my ex-wife. She wasn't mean, just not an affectionate person. We had an ok sex life and I just wanted her to hug me more.

It all goes back to my childhood. My mom told me once that our doctor told her that there were bonding issues with her and me. I was a second child so I don't know if that mattered or not. I always felt second to my brother regarding my mom. I was resentful of her after Scott died. I didn't think she cared as much for me as she did him. I was wrong of course but as an adolescence I couldn't tell.

T-minus 7 days.....

peace

dumbdavid

Solaris: and death shall have no dominion

Watching Solaris with director Soderberg's narration. There are many opinions on the movie with quite a few of them being negative. I like the movie and identified with the character of Calvin. I identified with his loss and sense of guilt regarding Rae's death. I understood the guilt of feeling responsible for the end of a relationship. I finally have come to realize that my relationships tend to end because of something I am doing or not doing. There is something faulty in my relationship wiring that somehow short circuits things. I tend to make choices that sabotage my relationships.

An attractive woman smiled and said Hi to me today at the Dollar Store. I said Hi and we went our separate directions in the store. I am so awkward now socially. I wonder if something has fundamentally changed inside of me. I have an almost impossible struggle meeting new people. I feel locked up at that moment of introduction. It used to be so easy when I was still drinking. I guess the lowered inhibitions helped. Isolation is so insulating. Don't you think?

peace

dumbdavid

No Such Thing [Not John Mayer's song}

I spent the weekend at my Dad's place on the lake. We had a thunderstorms on a couple of the days including today. I had a visit with my daughter all day yesterday and overnight. It was wonderful to spend time with her after not seeing her since Memorial Day. She had a tough time overnight sleeping. It was a tough adjustment for her. I feel so bad because I am letting her down.

I watched the Hal Hartley movie, "No Such Thing," tonight. It was a re-telling of the Beauty and the Beast tale. I feel like an incorrigible Beast myself. Living the life of a loner, just the like the monster in the movie. It's an odd movie, very indie, but I enjoyed it the same. Well, thats all tonight.

peace

dumbdavid

Katrina: a national disaster

This will be short because nothing I can say can possibly make a difference to the suffering in New Orleans and the other places destroyed by Katrina. I can only urge any readers of this blog to PREPARE. Adults should go to the FEMA webpagePreparing for a disaster and/or go to the many websites that endorse the preparedness lifestyle. DON'T BE A VICTIM, BE PREPARED! ASSEMBLE A B.O.B.[BUG OUT BAG!] IN CASE YOU NEED TO EVACUATE YOUR RESIDENCE ON A SHORT NOTICE. LEAVE, IF THE GOVERNMENT SAYS LEAVE. DON'T EXPECT THEM TO SAVE YOUR SORRY ASS FOR BEING STUPID. Being poor and racially diverse is no excuse. I am poor and will make less than the poverty limit this year due to illness. I, however, have a BOB and a plan on how to evacuate. I will pray for the needy in the affected area.

peace

dumbdavid