Graduation

She is graduating in just over a month.  My little girl has grown up and slipped away from me.  She is angry with me and resentful of my new marriage.  She throws it in my face all the time now.  She only calls me for money.  I have spoiled her and now I am paying the price.  I should of given her more time than the things money buys.  I had a Catch-22 decision ten years ago with two bad choices. I know if I had stayed down there my Dad would be dead now.  I would be close with my daughter like I used to be.  I know I have increase the quality of life for my father though.  My daughter is young and hopefully one day understand.  He is old and dying.  His gratitude means a lot to me even with all the nagging.

Life is not perfect.  I love my wife and family but nothing is perfect.  Work sucks and there is never enough money for what we need.  Now I have the added stress of R. drinking.  When we met she didn't seem to drink too much.  Only on visits to her parents did I notice how much she drank.  It also was the first time it became stressful.  We have had several discussions and on big argument about it.  I don't know what to do.  I can't change her thinking or actions only mine.  So, I try and contain my thoughts.  It just sucks when she climbs in bed smelling of rum.  I passed 15 years of sobriety in March.  She says I am just labeling myself.  It was almost like the original argument I had with my parents.  I know it's about her and not me.  I ran down the reasons I believe I am a drunk.  She was still dismissive and acted like AA brainwashed me.

AA saved me.  No one can ever take that away from me.  Now, I find myself thinking about drinking again.  Like, I will show her by proving what a drunk I am.  Then I snap back to reality.  I think about E and T.  I don't want E to ever see me drunk.  She already deals with that in her biological father.  T. probably has no memories of me drinking.  I told her I had passed 15 years of sobriety.  She made a bitchy remark about she was surprised consider our house.  Yes R. and her adult kids drink.  It wasn't a fair comment.  It's one of many incidences of T's mother influencing her.

I am hoping when T. gets to college she will get some clarity.  Her mom has poisoned her too long.

One month of child support left, then college.

Peace

dumbdavid

Ambulance rides Part Deux!

I am not ready for this.  I knew this day would come.  Dad's health would eventually deteriorate but getting his call 10pm Saturday was overwhelming.  He had called 911 for an ambulance for chest (pains my description) pressure.  I was doubly shocked.  One that he was having heart problems, and too he actually called an ambulance instead of waiting until it was too late.  He had an Aortic stint put in in November 09.  He chain smokes two pack a day(his admission.)  He lied to the doctor and said he only had two drinks each day(very big two).

R. and I raced down and met him at the hospital.  It took forever to get in and see him.  That scared me a lot because there was no update on his status.  When we got in he looked terrible.  The PA had given him two Nitros, one pill and one nasal.  That had helped with the pressure.  Blood work came back negative but they kept him over night.  He will have to follow up with a stress test and a Angiogram.  

I drove down Saturday night as R. had drunk a Long Island Ice tea. I was having a hard time keeping it together.  That was until I remember "The Switch".  The long unused switch to turn off emotions useful during those stressful police calls.  I flipped it and made it through the rest of the night okay.  It has consequences for doing so though.  It's like slow motion.  Eventually every speeds back up and catches up with you.  Sunday going to pick him up from the hospital it did as I was driving again.

I knew these days were coming.  It just sucks.  I don't want him to die.  I don't want to suffer a slow agonizing death like Mom.  Unfortunately I won't get a choice in it.  He won't change his lifestyle until its too late.

Here is a shout out to the Villard Fire Department first responders for the fast response.  Thank you.

peace

dumbdavid