Say the tough words that hurt.....

Have you ever had to tell someone that you love someone else. I was watching Grey's Anatomy again tonight. A main character has to tell his wife he is in love with someone else even though he had chosen to stay with his wife. My wife found out I had an affair. She asked if the letter she read was true. I had to tell her yes it was all true. I was in love with another woman. It was wrong. I had no right to hurt my wife this way. I understood the difficulty the character had admitting his feelings. He hadn't set out to betray wife, it happened. I was complicit in the affair so I have way to deny my part in it. Somethings can't be undone, no matter how much people are hurt.

peace

dumbdavid

Love, what is it good for?

I am struggling with relationships and love right now. It is not because I am alone. I watch movies and see idealistic couples in love. I have also witnessed couples in real life. What is love? How can one define such an esoteric idea. What is real love and where does it exist? When does infatuation end and love take over? I have loved several women. I was married for eight years even though we were together only seven of them. I think I can say I have been love three times.

How do we fall in and out of love? Do other animals experience love? Love dates back many years in literature. Shakespeare and other famous authors write about it. Romeo and Juliet are classic examples of love found and lost. Life, is it worth living if the one you love is gone? My Dad is suffering because the loss of his wife of 45 years. He talks of dating someone but I don't know if he will take that step.

It is funny how different my Dad and I are. I don't think he dated any other women as an adult besides my mother. I dated about five women before marriage and one after my divorce. Where am I going? I don't know. I have loved and lost. They say it is better to love and lost than not to love at all.

Somedays, I actually believe it.

peace

dumbdavid

Big Fish

I just finished watching Big Fish. It is the story of an estranged father/son. I have seen it before. I forgot about how it ends with the father dying. It was upsetting to me. It was hard enough losing my mom this year. I don't know how I will cope with his death someday.

I told my daughter tonight that I won't see her until after christmas. I was honest with her saying I didn't want Grandpa to be alone this Christmas. She took it well. I'll go and see her the first weekend in January even if I have to take a bus.

peace

dumbdavid

New Digs

Well, I actually had to switch rooms where I live. I rent a studio apartment and the one I was in had crumbling tiles in the bathroom. I upgraded to a larger one that is in a one level building that also holds the office. I don't have any upstairs neighbors anymore. It is very quiet, thank god. I was going crazy with my neighbors is the old place.

Somebody called my father and asked to speak to my mom. She has only been dead eight months. Fucking bill collectors, I know some collections company is after an old medical bill. We had people calling for a long time after my brother died too. It was really hard on my parents then. I could tell it had upset my father. I can't imagine taking the calls myself.

I was thinking of going down to see my daughter right before Christmas since her birthday is then too. I have decided to wait until after Christmas. I think it is more important to be with my father. I don't think he should sit alone on Christmas day since it's the first one since Mom died.

Something odd happened when I called my daughter tonight. My ex answered the phone and spoke shortly with me. She is remarried and has an almost two year old with new husband. L. [the child] must of been close to my ex when she answered my call. Ex asked if I would mind talking to L. since she wanted to talk on the phone. I said no and said hello to L. She didn't actually speak but it was odd. It made me think about if I had stayed with ex how many more children I might have. L. is fun to see grow because I miss that time when my daughter was younger. She is great now too. We get to have great conversations now. I don't like having to explain the hard parts of life to her but I realize it is necessary.

I am tired and must go back to work tomorrow after two days off. Moving yesterday wore me out.

peace

dumbdavid

Much too much...

Why is it when faced with the easy decisions guys make the wrong self serving one. I am just as bad as the next one. Let's make a deal with life. Choose door one, two or three just make a decision. Ooops, it was the wrong one again. Doh!

Life goes on.

peace

dumbdavid

Goodbye....Goodbye

Technical issues have delayed recent posting.

I was watching a recent episode of Grey's Anatomy entitled "Thanks for the memories." It was a Thanksgiving episode. It ended with the lead character Meredith saying goodbye to her former boyfriend. Meredith says, "Goodbye Derek." He replies, "Goodbye, Meredith." It brought me back to the goodbye I had with E. It happened on the day I moved. We were living in an apartment building in separate apartments. I worked as a caretaker there and had helped her get into the building. She broke up with me after two years of chaotic on/off again relationship. She started dating a heavy metal type guy she met in a bar. She just blew me off until I confronted her. She admitted it was over after I saw her with him.

The day I moved out I ran into her in the lobby. I told her I was moving that day. We had that exact same awkward goodbye scene. The only difference is in the show Grey's Anatomy it is obvious Meredith and Derek still love each other. I was just the fourth guy E. had entangled at the same time in her world. The four were me, her ex-husband[my ex-best friend], the father of her son and her new boyfriend. It would have been a great Jerry Springer episode. I know objectively that I am better off without her. It still hurts four years later.

Goodbye E.

peace

dumbdavid

Thanksgiving

I am spending Thanksgiving with my Dad. I am off work for a week due to my schedule and the holiday. He isn't going to make dinner. We will stop and "pick up a Thanksgiving Dinner." We spent last year having Thanksgiving in a hospital cafeteria. We aren't really set up for the holidays anymore. I remember how wonderful Thanksgiving were when I was a child. My Aunt and Uncle would drive up from Kansas City every year for Thanksgiving. They always arrived very late because my aunt was a teacher. The house would have a party like atmosphere for several days they were visiting. My Uncle died last year right before Christmas and my mother passed away in April. There are no more holidays. My dad gives me cash for presents. I will give my ex-wife one thing. Her family still celebrates the holidays.

Happy Thanksgiving

peace

dumbdavid

Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer?

I just heard the title of this post. I have heard it many times but it doesn't change why the answer is so right. Because it feels so good when I stop. The only thing is I don't ever stop. My bad decisions just exaberate my life. I just choose a different hammer and swing away. Ball peen, sledge, brass, oh they all they have a different level of pain to them. They are my ethos.

There are key moments we face in our lifetimes when we face decisions. Those decisions are like roads splitting off from the main one we are on. What would you give to be able to go back and undo your choices. Would you change those choices and thereby change who you are today. Would I be sober today if I hadn't of kissed her? That thought occurred to me. Would I still be a police officer today? I will never know either way. The question is, was a kiss worth the price of sobriety vs. losing a career. I have asked myself this a thousand times. It always comes back as yes until now.

My situation has soured so bad that I question every decision I have ever made and wish to undo them all. I then realize that if I did I may not have my daughter. Could I dissect my life and fix the bad sections and keep my daughter. Obviously I can't. I am just feeling sorry for myself again.

The snow is flying soon. I have no car and I will have to walk to work. My bike riding days are numbered. C'est la vie!

peace

dumbdavid

Organ Donation

I am watching a local news channel document the agonizing process for a family choosing to donate their son's organs after a fatal motorcycle accident. They allowed the news channel to document the process. The son had listed on his license that he was an organ donor. I am listed the same on mine. I have a friend who has received two kidney transplants. The first one from his mother rejected in the first year. He still has the second. Please tell your loved ones if you want to be an organ donor. The waiting list far exceeds the organs that are available. There are too many that do not survive the wait for an organ.

peace

dumbdavid

Bus Trip.... part deux

The bus curves northwest on Interstate 35. The highway leads me away from my daughter. The gray metal bus loaded with all the colors and sounds of the world. The little blonde two year old girl sitting in front of me that makes my heart ache worse. The eight year old girl left behind who asked why her mom and dad aren't together anymore. My daughter and I talked about how Grammy Judy died. She told me how much she missed me. I feel so low right now. I feel like such a failure.

The trip was as good and bad as I expected. It was worse than I expected. I wasn't prepared for my daughter's questions about her grandma dying. We did have a good honest talk about it. It was plain to see how painful of a loss it was for her. She was lucky enough to spend some quality time with her grandma before she died. I didn't have the luxury with my grandfather dying when I was eight.

I had an interesting talk with my ex-wife when she picked up my daughter at the hotel. I told her of the conversation about my mother dying. She told me that my daughter has talked to her about it too. I think this good that my daughter is comfortable talking about grandma. I remember once my grandpa died in Kansas City it was a forgotten subject. It was hard for me to deal with. My other grandpa died before I was born so I only had one. I barely got know him after age 5 when we moved to Minnesota.

My ex-wife also mentioned that my daughter asked her why we weren’t together anymore. She said that she gave her the basic facts but she told my daughter to talk to me. Ex told her I needed to explain it better. She didn’t bad mouth me but let me know about it. I didn’t have a chance to talk to my daughter since she was leaving so it will wait until next time. It gave me plenty of time to think about. My wife and I separated when my daughter was almost three. She doesn’t remember it, well especially the time before our separation. It won't be an easy conversation.

We also talked about smoking and grandma. My daughter, of course, asked me again if I had ever smoked. I had fibbed to her along time ago when she was smaller about smoking. I felt guilty about it. I told the truth this time. She seemed a little surprised but satisfied with my answers. She seems to understand the dangers of smoking because of grandma. It is a lesson we will visit many times. Please don't smoke...

peace

dumbdavid

Bus Trip

Tomorrow I am heading on a five hour bus trip to visit my daughter. It was originally to visit her and go to her teacher conference. Her teacher fell ill yesterday with an appendicitis. The conference has been post-poned. I have reserved a room at a hotel with a pool so my daughter and I can go swimming. She is staying with me at the hotel because she doesn't have school Friday. I have to catch a 2pm bus back on Friday. I took Friday night off from work but I am scheduled for Saturday and Sunday.

It sucks not having a car. It is just miserable riding a bike everywhere or taking the local shuttle. I can't seem to save up money because of things like this trip. It will cost about 150.00 when all is said and done. I don't know what I am going to do.

peace

dumbdavid

"If love were enough"

I just watched Grey's Anatomy episode with the train crash. A dying patient had a dying message for her fiance. She said, "if love were enough she would still be there with him." It was a metaphor for the decision Derek made to stay with his wife. Meredith was left broken hearted. Derek was even emotional as he told Meredith.

I am so stupid sitting here quoting a TV show. Right now this blog is my only emotional sounding board. I work through my emotions by writing down then re-reading and digesting what I have written. It's strange but it works. I guess it is a sad statement on where my life is right now.

When I started writing this post I was thinking about Meredith being not chosen. I feel bad for her because I have been there. It was a little different. The person I had been seeing had moved on while still seeing me. It was then just over. We had broken up several times and gotten back together. Musical chairs in love and ending up without a chair. That's me.

peace

dumbdavid

Happy Birthday Bro,

I just finished working two overnight shifts. I realized as Wednesday turned into Thursday that it was my brother's birthday on the 27th. I meant to write when I got home but was tired and distracted and forgot. He would have been 45 years old. It's very strange. He still seems older than I at 40 even though he died at age 19. My Mom use to be very good about going to his grave on his birthday and Christmas and on the day he died, Feb. 20th.

I don't go to his grave much. I think it's been less than ten times total. I should go again because his marker needs upkeep. The cemetery had a strange rule about single people could only have flush mounted stones. Married people could get up right. The grass and dirt try to creep over the white marble marker.

Scott committed suicide at age 19. He was a free spirit who tried lots of things but didn't stick to anything. He got deeply involved with drugs and I believe they impacted on his depression. Who knows if it was depression or drugs that came first. It is a moot point. His drug use kept me away from them. It also gave me a false impression of how safe drinking was. I thought as long as I was drinking it wasn't so bad. Ha!

Scott was five years older than I. We still did lots of things together. He use to tell wild shit just to shock me. He never tried to push drugs on me. He got really pissed once when one of his friends offered me a joint. He told his friend to never do it again. Losing a sibling is really hard. There are quite a few psychological books on the subject. I miss you Scott. Happy Birthday, dumbass!

peace

dumbdavid

Garden State of Mind

I was re-reading my last post. I watched Garden State again tonight. The poem I wrote, "A life in moving pictures" is a lie to myself. It is the denial of my loneliness. I watch movies like Garden State to surreptiously steal some the joy of the characters finding each other [Andrew and Sam]. There is something so magical in the first moments of a relationship. It is better than heroin. No drunk ever felt as good as that first kiss. I can close my eyes and re-live the first moment we had together of my last relationship. Standing so close it crushes your chest making it hard to breathe or believe it's real.

I wonder if I will find that ever again. Do I even deserve it at this point. All I wanted was to be loved by that special person. I didn't even care about the repercussions. I was selfish, greedy, and insensitive. Karma has come around and caught up with me.


Weeds

Reaping all that I have sown, yes
My garden of weeds grows around me
Stand knee deep in my failure

Dull tools can't dig out deep rooted
Neglect and Malfeasance I've done
Pulling with bare bleeding hands

Weeds multiply faster than pulled
Twisted around ankles falling in
Putrid rotting failure surrounds


peace

dumbdavid

A life in moving pictures

I just watched "Igby goes down". I bought it at a video store for 2.95 as a used vhs rental. It's almost as cheap as renting it. I won't bore with the details except the ending. Igby's mother is played by Susan Sarandon. She has cancer in the movie and her oldest son assists her suicide. Igby is the younger son. He realizes too late that he should of apologized to her before she died. He becomes distraught. I didn't realize that this was going to take place.

The day my mother died I didn't get really really upset. I guess it was shock. I had tried to prepare myself because it was getting close leading up to it. I watched Igby break down and I fell apart too. I hadn't conciously thought about guilt and my mom. I guess I do feel guilty. I know I should of spent more time with her that last year. I made excuses as why I could only stay for short visits. It's sad thinking back now at how selfish I was. She was suffering so much and I couldn't stay with her long. I respect how much my dad committed to her that last year.

I wrote the title of this post, "A life in moving pictures". I must be pretty dysfunctional. It takes movies and television shows to get me to write about these fucked up feelings I have. It was so much easier when I drank. I could just try and numb it. I remember now, that didn't work either. I would get really drunk and then watch "Ordinary People" or "Prince of Tides". I would break down of course and the steam would be relased for awhile. I always internalize. Deny the pain I am feeling. I must be pretty narcisstic in writing all this shit down. I could only be so lucky that no one reads this.

A life in moving pictures


I really don't mind being alone

The moments pass in my simple control


A multitude of mundane decisions easy

Better than asking anothers opinion


Celluoid snapshots fluttering past

A life in moving pictures


Surround sound choked sobs

Are the moments when it's empty


The understanding and comfort are lacking

Who is going to wipe the tears?



peace

dumbdavid

Good News/ Bad News

I found out I was getting a small pay raise effective this Monday. Yeah! I am underpaid compared to my co-workers. I received a letter today telling me my drivers license had been suspended for child support arrears. I was unemployed for over four months earlier this year. I have been paying since June but I guess because I am now over 3K behind it doesn't matter. They based my child support on the good paying job I had over five years ago. It kept going up each year with cost of living changes. Meanwhile, dumbdavid has worked his way down the ladder. I have changed jobs, been fired by senile employer, and unemployed over last two years. I pay over five hundred a month in child support. I love my daughter more than anything but I am in poverty right now. I make 9.30hr starting monday. I barely can afford rent and necessities. They passed a law that takes effect January 2007 that is suppose to balance child support. I can't afford to fight in court to change current support amount. I have talked to several guys who tried and were denied. They ended up owing legal fees and were no better off. I can't even file bankruptcy because it doesn't effect child support, taxes, or student loans, my three biggest debts. My coworkers make over 17.00hr as fulltime employees. I am just a temp and must wait up two years to get picked up. If, the company choses to hire me full time.

I am two hundred miles from my daughter with no way to see her. I moved up here before my Mom died. My ex won't bring her to me and I have no tranportation down there. I have become an absent father. This is the worst thing ever. I knew when I got divorced I had to stay invovlved with my daughter. I even moved to be in the same town as her [two hour move]. I didn't expect the job problems and eviction would happen. I don't know how much longer I can take this.

I am listening to Colin Hay sing "I don't think I'll ever be over you" from the Garden State soundtrack. He is the weird eye guy from the group Men Down Under. It is a sad song about love lost and longed for. I don't want E. or J. back. I am sad and lonely. Pathetic I know, but it has been a rocky five years since the divorce. I went from a rocky marriage to dysfunctional relationship on rebound. I can't even get a date now because I am ashamed, yes ashamed, of my current situation. I live in a motel and have no car. I look at the other residents here. There are some college kids, but mostly losers like me. My dad complained the other day. He said he made over 90K for five years and now he is bickering with McD's over 6.50 hr. He is 65 and can't afford to retire. My mom's illness wiped him out.

I think about drinking. It's sad, because I know the outcome would be so severe. I don't know if I could look at myself in the mirror if I drink. I guess, the fear keeps me sober. My coworkers talk about drinking all the time. It is weird. I don't remeber talking so much about drinking just doing it. If anyone is reading this, take a drink for me. I miss it sometimes but mostly not. It's great waking up with no hangeovers.

Hangeovers

The sunlight too bright blinding
Hammers brain fuzzed out again

Shower starts blood thinned flowing
It's a four ibuprofen day again

Jumpstart with a liter of Dew
Countdown 'til a cold brew

Stop off pick up cold case
Take the empties watch the clock

It's five o'clock somewhere
Pop a cold one yes that's it

Work the buzz not too fast
Drunk, oh well, pop one more

peace

dumbdavid

Thursday OT blahs!

I am working a second 4 hour overtime shift tonight. I worked last night for four hours too. I am feeling kind of low and worn out. I still have this weekend to work too. Didn't win the powerball, what a shock. The stock I inherited when my mother died was making a solid gain when it turned into the toilet again. I feel like shit. Did some housework today along with two loads of laundry. Went to Taco Johns for lunch. I got an Apple Grande for desert. Hadn't had one since I was a kid. We used to ride our bikes to Diamonhead Mall in Burnsville and get them there. It had a really small Taco Johns in it. The mall was converted over in the last couple years to a school district building. Progess sucks.

peace

dumbdavid

Extreme Home Makeover: Camp Barnabus

I just watched a touching episode of Extreme Home Makeover. The show gets me teary eyed each time I watch it. The Teas Family runs the Barnabas camp for disable kids. It is an amazing story of giving. It reminded me of when I was in sixth grade. There was a girl in my class, whose name was Suzy. She had the bad luck of being born with Muscular Dystrophy and Cerebal Palsy. I grew up in the seventies and mainstreaming kids was a new idea. She spent part of the day in our classroom and part in the special ed room. Each day our teacher would ask for a volunteer to help with Suzy's phys ed. We would skip our own phy ed class and stay and do something with Suzy. Suzy made a lasting impression on me. She never complained and laughed a lot during our time together. I heard she went through school along with her class all the way through high school. I moved away in seventh grade and lost touch. I ran into an old classmate a few years ago. They said that Suzy had gone to prom and was elected as prom queen. It wasn't a "Carrie" sick joke either. Suzy had just made such a lasting impact on her classmates they wanted to thank her some way. She graduated with them too.

I like a lot of people get very self centered worrying "whoa is me!" It's so easy to forget about the real challenges other people face. It was obvious that the experience at the camp really had an impact on the design crew. Suzy had a positive effect on me. The world need more people like the Teas and Suzy. It would be a better place.

Fathers

I was watching Law and Order SVU: tonight. Christopher Meloni's is an actor who plays Det. Elliot Stabler in the show is struggling with anger. He ended up tonight at a therapist after beating up his ex-partner. The therapist quickly waded through his tough guy image. Elliot had beaten up his ex-partner because the partner was in the process of assaulting his son. The therapist asked Eliot about his father. He tried at first to act like nothing was out of ordinary [common defense mechanism]. Elliot eventually recalled an event where his father beat him with a belt calling him a failure. I wasn't expecting it. I started crying, of course. It's hard not too when you have been on the receiving of such a beating.

I have never discussed this with my father as an adult. I don't plan on it either. I have forgiven him in the only way I can. We have a pretty good relationship now simply based on need. He is my only parent left since my Mom died in April. I am his only child since my older brother died in 1980. It's funny. He never said "I love you," to me as I grew up. It has taken the loss of my mother to open up. I am grateful for this even though I still deal with the leftovers of my childhood.

I was doing research on the web today. I am working on my second book of poetry. I was sorting through my collection of poems for suitable ones. I found a poem I had written earlier this year. I have had trouble maintaining or beginning relationships with people. I wrote, "Boy in the Bubble", about my difficulty with people socially. I was searching the web for info about attachment disorder. It sometimes is hard when you have minor in psychology, you only know vague descriptions. I found a website Avoidant Personality Disorder that has information on something I might be suffering from. It really described a lot of things that made sense to me. It is limited help because I have no health insurance. I have been considering seeing a doctor because of my depression again. I could bring up this subject too.

peace

dumbdavid

Amazon.com comes through!

My book is now available through Amazon.com. Drinking, Denial, Damage, Done

I am excited. My first order has been shipped and should arrive any day. I have started working on my second book tentatively titled, 10-8 Stories from the Street. It covers poems about my time as a Police Officer.

Glass half empty.....

There are people who look at the world as a glass half empty or half full. I was watching Greys Anatomy tonight. A patient told the main character she looked empty and she admitted she felt it. The show ended with her monologue about wanting more than what she got. I understand that. I don't want the person I use to be with. The time I had with her is over. It was an unhealthy relationship and I am stronger because of it. I still want her in the sad dream like way. I want the essence of her not the real thing. I want the picture of her and not her mess. I mean who wants to compete with three other men for her attention. That's how it ended, for us. I walked away after she played me. I let her. I was so desperate at the end it was sad. Time has given me perspective and I have learned. It has been a long four years since it ended.

I am growing a goatee. It is stupid and screams of mid-life crisis. Think of Ned Flanders from the Simpsons then add the goatee. That's a pretty good description of how I look. I don't care either. I like to joke about not having self esteem. "You can't have low self esteem if don't have any." I am definitely a half full guy. The only thing fufilling in my life is my daughter. My writing is the only thing that keeps me from going crazy. I have started assembling my second collection of poems. It will consist mostly of poems involving my police work. You meet some interesting people as a cop. You also see some really tragic things. This a poem for the new book.


12


Police academy doesn't prepare
The horror and tragedy I've seen

Eyes closed the movies play over
They rewind again and again

First on scene what comes next
Drive the family and request

Can't change the outcome now
What if and if and if we did

One boy slipped under water
Drowning in a full plain view

The other was run over his head
Twelve year old boys die again

Late at night all is quiet
Movies still playing inside



New poem for book, doesn't do the two boys justice I am afraid.

I am left with their faces in my memories along with the others who I saw die. They don't tell you that in school either. I don't remember their names anymore. I will never forget how they died though. Life is not fair and sometimes it's damn cruel and unforgiving.

peace

dumbdavid

Moonlight Mile

I take a big step tomorrow. I will be paying for the printing of my book. It will become a real thing. It was just electronic bits of information before. A paper copy is a tough phase for me to go through. It opens a can of worms for me. I am debating showing my father the book. I selfishly want him to be proud of my writing. I am afraid that it would cause him pain though if he reads it. It's been such a journey the last four years with some of these poems. I don't know if he would be able to see that or just the emotions of each one. There is anger and resentment in some of them. It was the only way I could deal with the onward death march my Mom was making. My father was an active participant and I have forgiven him. Okay, I haven't actually said "I forgive you." I have thought it through and realize I had to let those feelings go or they would eat at me.


I just finished watching the movie Moonlight Mile. It deals with loss of a couples daughter and fiance of the main character played by Jake Gyllenhaal. I had no expectations for the film. I was brought to tears of course. I seem to cry at everything now. It's a very good film. The tears are just another symptom of my ongoing depression. I am listening to the soundtrack to Garden State. I identify with the main character "Large" in Garden State. We both returned home for the funerals of our mothers. I guess my mother's death has triggered a new downward turn for me I can't seem to shake. I don't have healthcare right now. I am debating going to the doctor because I can't afford ongoing counseling. I have been in counseling off and on for four years with limited success. I have been prescribed three different anti-depressants during this time.

I have decided to take my writing to the next stage. I watched the extras of Garden State. Zach Braff spoke of the collection of stories he had that he turned into the screenplay for Garden State. I have been writing short narratives and saving them. These didn't fit into any poetry forms so I was just riffing and saved them. I also wrote the start of screenplay of the weekend I moved home. It will probably lead to nothing. It just feels good writing it down. I have lived so internalized in my life. Writing is like popping a zit. It lets the bad ooze out and then healing can begin. I just need to keep healing, get better.

peace

dumbdavid

Garden State part deux

I just finished watching Garden State again. I highly recommend it. Go to IMDB for plot summary as I am too tired to summarize. I was at work on Thursday when something strange came over me. I was standing at the end of the production line where I am a temp. They pay 8.80 an hour to catch power sanding disks coming off the line and put them on a rack. A robot could do the same job, better. It doesn't require any brain power so I spend twelve hours daydreaming mostly. Thursday I was suddenly overcome with grief and sadness.

I just started thinking about my Mom. I thought about her last day alive. She was unconcious by the time I made it to the hospital. She had suffered another stroke. The doctor told us, my father and I, that there was nothing else they could do and her organs were shutting down. She had been on a ventillator for the previous nine months. The doctor it would be best to turn off the ventillator and keep her comfortable with medicine[morphine]. I can't imagine how "comfortable" dyings is but it looks to be the most horrible thing. Mom was unconcious but the suffering was there. I didn't get a last conversation with her like some do in the movies. I stayed with her during her last 23 hours except for eating meals with my dad. He went back to the hotel room to drink because he couldn't stand watching it happen. I felt like I had to stay so she wouldn't be alone.

The next day I went outside with my dad so he could have a smoke. I made it back to her room before him. He stopped to use the facilities. I found her dead. I wasn't there when it happened. She died in the ten minutes we were outside. I feel guilty for not being there. People, staff, tell me that they see it happen all the time. The patients seem to be aware when family leaves. The patients supposedly die then trying to save the family the pain of watching the end. It's all I have been doing the last fifteen months.

I watched Garden State for the first time before my mother passed away. I watched it again after and it really hit me hard. I identified with Large from the first viewing but having the context of my mothers death brought new emotional depth to me. I used to watch Ordinary People when I was feeling sad. I so identified with Jared and his loss of an older brother. I was never able to emotionally cope with my grief when I was younger. I drank to numb the pain of my brothers death. I have five years of sobriety now. I am finally, and slowly dealing with my Mother's death in a healthier way. I suppose to an outsider, watching a movie to help understand and cope with a death of a parent is odd. Well, I am odd.

I like what Sam says to Largeman torwards the end of movie, "That's life. If nothing else, its life. It's real, and sometimes it fuckin' hurts, but it's sort of all we have."

Yeah, it fuckin' hurts a lot.

peace

dumbdavid

One day and a wake-up

It's almost d-day for my 40th birthday[Friday]. I am getting ready for work today. I work today and tomorrow but have this weekend off. My paycheck was what I expected but not enough to do anything for my birthday. It kind of sucks how my birthday has become a depressing time each year. It's not really because I am getting older, but since the divorce I am always broke. I did have better paying jobs before but now I am in rut. I can't quit this job and I can't find anyting better because of my transportation problems. I think back to when my dad turned forty and he had owned three different houses, had two new cars in garage and went on good vacations each year. My only vacations as an adult were paid by Uncle Sam. I went to the dentist last Friday and they want $1200 to fix one tooth. I need two fixed or pulled. I don't have dental insurance so I guess I must suffer.

peace

dumbdavid

1 week to 40th bday.....OMFG!

You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension - a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind. You're moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. You've just crossed over into the Twilight Zone.

I can't believe my 40th birthday is one week from tomorrow. Lucky for me I won't have to endure a terrible party. My mother really got my dad on his 40th. I guess that's what makes it so weird. He seemed old and grown up and I guess I am pretty immature.
I think that's an honest assessment of myself. It would probably explain some of my poor decisions I have made. I read in college that when a person becomes addicted to drugs or alcohol in adolescence it stops their emotional maturity at that point. I don't know exactly what point I became an alcoholic but it was pretty early on. I never was a normal drinker.

I have been sober five years now. I think I am slowly making progress in some areas. I have paid my rent on time for three months straight. This is a new record for me since my divorce. I am thinking of getting myself a massage for my birthday. I did this the first couple of years after my divorce. It's really nice and it also gives me some contact with another human being. It's weird when you go days or months without the touch of another person. It's the main reason I wanted to divorce my ex-wife. She wasn't mean, just not an affectionate person. We had an ok sex life and I just wanted her to hug me more.

It all goes back to my childhood. My mom told me once that our doctor told her that there were bonding issues with her and me. I was a second child so I don't know if that mattered or not. I always felt second to my brother regarding my mom. I was resentful of her after Scott died. I didn't think she cared as much for me as she did him. I was wrong of course but as an adolescence I couldn't tell.

T-minus 7 days.....

peace

dumbdavid

Solaris: and death shall have no dominion

Watching Solaris with director Soderberg's narration. There are many opinions on the movie with quite a few of them being negative. I like the movie and identified with the character of Calvin. I identified with his loss and sense of guilt regarding Rae's death. I understood the guilt of feeling responsible for the end of a relationship. I finally have come to realize that my relationships tend to end because of something I am doing or not doing. There is something faulty in my relationship wiring that somehow short circuits things. I tend to make choices that sabotage my relationships.

An attractive woman smiled and said Hi to me today at the Dollar Store. I said Hi and we went our separate directions in the store. I am so awkward now socially. I wonder if something has fundamentally changed inside of me. I have an almost impossible struggle meeting new people. I feel locked up at that moment of introduction. It used to be so easy when I was still drinking. I guess the lowered inhibitions helped. Isolation is so insulating. Don't you think?

peace

dumbdavid

No Such Thing [Not John Mayer's song}

I spent the weekend at my Dad's place on the lake. We had a thunderstorms on a couple of the days including today. I had a visit with my daughter all day yesterday and overnight. It was wonderful to spend time with her after not seeing her since Memorial Day. She had a tough time overnight sleeping. It was a tough adjustment for her. I feel so bad because I am letting her down.

I watched the Hal Hartley movie, "No Such Thing," tonight. It was a re-telling of the Beauty and the Beast tale. I feel like an incorrigible Beast myself. Living the life of a loner, just the like the monster in the movie. It's an odd movie, very indie, but I enjoyed it the same. Well, thats all tonight.

peace

dumbdavid

Katrina: a national disaster

This will be short because nothing I can say can possibly make a difference to the suffering in New Orleans and the other places destroyed by Katrina. I can only urge any readers of this blog to PREPARE. Adults should go to the FEMA webpagePreparing for a disaster and/or go to the many websites that endorse the preparedness lifestyle. DON'T BE A VICTIM, BE PREPARED! ASSEMBLE A B.O.B.[BUG OUT BAG!] IN CASE YOU NEED TO EVACUATE YOUR RESIDENCE ON A SHORT NOTICE. LEAVE, IF THE GOVERNMENT SAYS LEAVE. DON'T EXPECT THEM TO SAVE YOUR SORRY ASS FOR BEING STUPID. Being poor and racially diverse is no excuse. I am poor and will make less than the poverty limit this year due to illness. I, however, have a BOB and a plan on how to evacuate. I will pray for the needy in the affected area.

peace

dumbdavid

Preacher knockin' at the door

A preacher knocked on my door to day. He wanted to speak about Christ and to pray. I am a Christian but I'm uncomfortable with evangelists. It was several uncomfortable minutes until he finally left. I went for a walk after dinner and the news of Hurrincan Katrina. It was perfect evening with a sunset. I thought about the last five months and how things have improved. I am making some positive changes but it is slow, too slow. That's all for tonight.

peace

dumbdavid

Pay it forward....

I am watching Pay it Forward again as I get ready for work. I turned the channel as the junkie that Trevor had helped has found the woman trying to jump off the bridge. The Junkie[Jim Caviezel], ends up asking the lady to do him a favor and save his life. It is very moving. I have seen that scene from both perspectives. I have been on the bridge ledge and also at the bottom of addiction. This is excerpted from my book, Drinking, Denial, Damage, Done, available at www.lulu.com/dumbdavid

The Bridge

The bridge still calls me

Even after these years

I feel the rusted steel

Under my hand as I climb

The bridge still calls me

Sometimes late at night

When I’m alone and down

I remember the wind in my hair

The bridge haunts me

Knowing how close it had been

I’m sure I could flown free

Far and high that night

The bridge is inside me now

Torn down for progress

Made the right choice then

Fate just wasn’t meant to be

The bridge still calls me

The lonely desperate man/boy

Too much pain you see

I am sure I could have flown away

August Storm

We just had a wicked storm pass through here with hail and high winds and at least an inch of rain. It was nice earlier today with the weather in the mid 70's. I rode my bike for about an hour hitting a couple of garage sales. You don't know what a convienance driving a car is until you are forced to walk or ride a bike full-time. My license was suspended and car towed for no insurance. I know it was stupid to drive it that way but I was out of work for four months at the beginning of this year. I could of gotten my license back around July 21st, but don't have the money needed to do it. I have to provide proof of insurance even though I don't own a car anymore. Impound lot kept it as abandoned since I couldn't pay towing or storage. I lost a lot of personal belongings in the car that they wouldn't let me retrieve. I am stuck where I am at with no transportation for job interviews out of town. I just can't see the situation getting better. I work as many hours as possible but don't get to keep much of my pay.

I am faced with filing for bankruptcy. I have a combined debt of over $122,000 including student loans, bank loans, credit cards and other things. No house mortage or current car loans are in this amount, don't have them. I sat down today adding up all my debts and did research. It sounds like it wil cost me at least $1000.00 to file bankruptcy which I don't have either. Basically I'm fucked! The student loans started at $35,000 consolidated with my ex-wifes. Interest has been kicking it up with the use of deferrments and forebarences.

My dad just told me recently that when he dies and I get his cabin that I have to pay off a $100,000 tax lien. I should clear about the same amount above paying off his lien. I feel terribly greedy even thinking about this. I am also afraid he will die slowly like my mother and I will have to endure that again. I guess I am a greedy, narcisstic, shallow prick because of these thoughts. I have noticed my negative self talk is getting worse again. There is a scene in the movie "Sliding Doors" with Gweneth Paltrow where her boyfriend is talking to himself in the bathroom mirror. "You're talking to yourself in the mirror again." I don't do that but I am not nice to myself either. I guess that is one reason I call my blog dumbdavid.

It's hard to have a low self-esteem,
when you don't have any....

peace

dumbdavid

2:12am on my day off

It is a weird lifestyle when you work the overnight schedule. I basically work two days on two days off twelve hour shifts. I try and stay up late on my days off so my body stays adjusted to the night schedule. I am basically a vampire that can tolerate the sun with sunscreen.

It sounds like I have a new neighbor upstairs. It had been pretty quiet the last month but it's constant walking and moving stuff tonight. We'll have a talk tomorrow. It sucks where I live but it's the only thing I can afford. Plus, there is no long term lease. I want to move back down south where my daughter lives[with ex] but there is little work.

I just spent a half an hour searching through online personal ads. It was depressing. I can't really look for anyone right now. I am kind of a mess. It is hard to date with no car. I have really fallen down since my divorce in 2000. I turn 40 next month which I am cool with. It's strange looking at woman my age on the internet. Most of them look really old. I have been told I look really young. I barely have any gray hairs except in my moustache.

I am listening to depressing love songs from the 70's and 80's right now. Roberta Flack is singing the "first time ever I saw your face...." I have been really blessed in loving three women in my life and having them love me back. The relationships didn't work out for various reasons. I am as much at fault as anything. It took me a few years to figure this out. It is amazing what perspective sobriety can bring to you. Writing poetry and posting on the web have also given my a chance to stand back and look at things objectively, honestly.

"Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels" Joni sings so sweet. I miss the 70's and 80's sometimes. I guess that's part of growing older, the reminiscing.


Reminiscing

Sing the times that have passed
The chorus echoes in all of us
Cry for the people left behind too
They were smoke rings that blew away
Summers with Simon and Garfunkel
America still out there to find
Passing the high water mark
It's reminiscing for a moment

peace

dumbdavid

Feeding depression[aka China Buffet}

I went and stuffed myself on China Buffet tonight. It's only 7.99 for all the MSG you can take. I went and rented the movie Sin City. I had not read the comics but I am a fan of Quentin Tarintino and Robert Rodriguez. Mickey Rourke steals the movie but unless you know which character he is you wouldn't recognize him.

Tonight's topic is feeding your depression. This can be literal like overeating or using chemicals, or it can relate to watching depressing movies. I do both of these things usually on the second version. I am without healthcare right now and do not qualify any longer for Medical Assistance. I have tried Celexa, Effexor, and Wellbutrin. I had the best success with Celexa with the least side effects. I have been off it for two years now but I am wondering if I should start again. I have been through counseling but don't seem to resolve ongoing negativity on my outlook.

I am in a vicious circle in my life where I can't seem to fix things and they just get worse. I am now without a car and have little income. I just learned I have until October to file for Bankruptcy before the law changes. My student loans are hounding me along with my ex-wife who has combined hers with mine back in 1996. I just don't know what to do. I haven't seen my daughter since Memorial Day. This is the longest I have ever gone without seeing her.

She deserves more...

peace

dumbdavid

Sleep deprivation

I worked last night for the large tape manufacturer. I returned home an hour early due to our production line being down. I only slept one hour and woke up. I looked at the clock without my glasses and thought it was 1pm. This is a normal time for me to get up after nightshift. I went and took a shower feeling like I hadn't slept. I looked at the clock again as I finally got dressed, 7:30am. Ooops. I keep a blanket over the window so it is easier for me to sleep. I was wide awake after the shower so I just stayed up. I am trying to stay up tonight to stay in sync with night schedule but it's hard. My mood always drops when I am really tired or crashing from lack of sugar or caffeine. I gave up drinking five years ago and now I am a sugar junkie. I guess it is a common problem with heroin users but I thought coffee and smokes were the only vice of the aa crew. Ha!

I haven't gone to AA in over a year because of numerous factors. The big one is the time committment. That big moral inventory of step 4 is a bitch too. I have been moving too much and working too many hours to have any consistent routine. I have only been tempted right when my mother died in April. I guess I am too afraid of what would happen if I drank again. I was lucky to stop when I did. Did I mention it is winefest on the Mosel river in Germany. What a wonderful reason to sit down and celebrate. Like the Germans needed another one. The Air Force was brilliant sending a problem drinker to a country where every weekend there is a festival, holiday, something to get drunk for. I am rambling.

I will leave you with the lyrics from George Thorogood, "When I drink alone, I prefer to be by myself....."

peace

dumbdavid

Law and Order: SVU

Tonight was a repeat episode of a teenage girl who murders her alcoholic mother. It is a powerful episode where the lead detective, "Oliva" reveals that she endured a similiar childhood with an alcoholic mother. I don't remember large chunks of my childhood and I guess it is because I repress it. I do remember the times my father whipped me with his belt. I will never forget the sound of his belt clearing the loops of his pants. I have written about it in my poetry but just this event. My parents were 5 o'clock drinkers. Every night was happy hour until they went to bed. I don't remebering them being drunk much except my mother when I was in high school. My older brother ran away several times and eventually killed himself. I never thought about why he was running and we never talked about it. He and my dad would get into screaming matches. I remember that.

It's funny how time changes things. My mother died in April of this year after a long battle with Congestive Heart Failure. Dad and I have a good relationship now. We both kind of need each other. Our only family left is on my Mom's side and they mostly blame my Dad for her death. He refused to quit smoking and drinking. Mom kept up with him until she had no choice but the ventilator to survive. I am starting to believe my mom killed herself in slow motion. She had a triple bypass in 1996 but went right back to smoking and drinking. My book of poems has the first section dedicated to her.

peace

dumbdavid

Hello, from dumbdavid

I am posting a new blog that I am transitioning from another site[diaryland]. Here is a link to my collection of poems at lulu.com entitled Drinking, Denial, Damage, Done


Drinking, Denial, Damage, Done