Much too much...

Why is it when faced with the easy decisions guys make the wrong self serving one. I am just as bad as the next one. Let's make a deal with life. Choose door one, two or three just make a decision. Ooops, it was the wrong one again. Doh!

Life goes on.

peace

dumbdavid

Goodbye....Goodbye

Technical issues have delayed recent posting.

I was watching a recent episode of Grey's Anatomy entitled "Thanks for the memories." It was a Thanksgiving episode. It ended with the lead character Meredith saying goodbye to her former boyfriend. Meredith says, "Goodbye Derek." He replies, "Goodbye, Meredith." It brought me back to the goodbye I had with E. It happened on the day I moved. We were living in an apartment building in separate apartments. I worked as a caretaker there and had helped her get into the building. She broke up with me after two years of chaotic on/off again relationship. She started dating a heavy metal type guy she met in a bar. She just blew me off until I confronted her. She admitted it was over after I saw her with him.

The day I moved out I ran into her in the lobby. I told her I was moving that day. We had that exact same awkward goodbye scene. The only difference is in the show Grey's Anatomy it is obvious Meredith and Derek still love each other. I was just the fourth guy E. had entangled at the same time in her world. The four were me, her ex-husband[my ex-best friend], the father of her son and her new boyfriend. It would have been a great Jerry Springer episode. I know objectively that I am better off without her. It still hurts four years later.

Goodbye E.

peace

dumbdavid

Thanksgiving

I am spending Thanksgiving with my Dad. I am off work for a week due to my schedule and the holiday. He isn't going to make dinner. We will stop and "pick up a Thanksgiving Dinner." We spent last year having Thanksgiving in a hospital cafeteria. We aren't really set up for the holidays anymore. I remember how wonderful Thanksgiving were when I was a child. My Aunt and Uncle would drive up from Kansas City every year for Thanksgiving. They always arrived very late because my aunt was a teacher. The house would have a party like atmosphere for several days they were visiting. My Uncle died last year right before Christmas and my mother passed away in April. There are no more holidays. My dad gives me cash for presents. I will give my ex-wife one thing. Her family still celebrates the holidays.

Happy Thanksgiving

peace

dumbdavid

Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer?

I just heard the title of this post. I have heard it many times but it doesn't change why the answer is so right. Because it feels so good when I stop. The only thing is I don't ever stop. My bad decisions just exaberate my life. I just choose a different hammer and swing away. Ball peen, sledge, brass, oh they all they have a different level of pain to them. They are my ethos.

There are key moments we face in our lifetimes when we face decisions. Those decisions are like roads splitting off from the main one we are on. What would you give to be able to go back and undo your choices. Would you change those choices and thereby change who you are today. Would I be sober today if I hadn't of kissed her? That thought occurred to me. Would I still be a police officer today? I will never know either way. The question is, was a kiss worth the price of sobriety vs. losing a career. I have asked myself this a thousand times. It always comes back as yes until now.

My situation has soured so bad that I question every decision I have ever made and wish to undo them all. I then realize that if I did I may not have my daughter. Could I dissect my life and fix the bad sections and keep my daughter. Obviously I can't. I am just feeling sorry for myself again.

The snow is flying soon. I have no car and I will have to walk to work. My bike riding days are numbered. C'est la vie!

peace

dumbdavid

Organ Donation

I am watching a local news channel document the agonizing process for a family choosing to donate their son's organs after a fatal motorcycle accident. They allowed the news channel to document the process. The son had listed on his license that he was an organ donor. I am listed the same on mine. I have a friend who has received two kidney transplants. The first one from his mother rejected in the first year. He still has the second. Please tell your loved ones if you want to be an organ donor. The waiting list far exceeds the organs that are available. There are too many that do not survive the wait for an organ.

peace

dumbdavid

Bus Trip.... part deux

The bus curves northwest on Interstate 35. The highway leads me away from my daughter. The gray metal bus loaded with all the colors and sounds of the world. The little blonde two year old girl sitting in front of me that makes my heart ache worse. The eight year old girl left behind who asked why her mom and dad aren't together anymore. My daughter and I talked about how Grammy Judy died. She told me how much she missed me. I feel so low right now. I feel like such a failure.

The trip was as good and bad as I expected. It was worse than I expected. I wasn't prepared for my daughter's questions about her grandma dying. We did have a good honest talk about it. It was plain to see how painful of a loss it was for her. She was lucky enough to spend some quality time with her grandma before she died. I didn't have the luxury with my grandfather dying when I was eight.

I had an interesting talk with my ex-wife when she picked up my daughter at the hotel. I told her of the conversation about my mother dying. She told me that my daughter has talked to her about it too. I think this good that my daughter is comfortable talking about grandma. I remember once my grandpa died in Kansas City it was a forgotten subject. It was hard for me to deal with. My other grandpa died before I was born so I only had one. I barely got know him after age 5 when we moved to Minnesota.

My ex-wife also mentioned that my daughter asked her why we weren’t together anymore. She said that she gave her the basic facts but she told my daughter to talk to me. Ex told her I needed to explain it better. She didn’t bad mouth me but let me know about it. I didn’t have a chance to talk to my daughter since she was leaving so it will wait until next time. It gave me plenty of time to think about. My wife and I separated when my daughter was almost three. She doesn’t remember it, well especially the time before our separation. It won't be an easy conversation.

We also talked about smoking and grandma. My daughter, of course, asked me again if I had ever smoked. I had fibbed to her along time ago when she was smaller about smoking. I felt guilty about it. I told the truth this time. She seemed a little surprised but satisfied with my answers. She seems to understand the dangers of smoking because of grandma. It is a lesson we will visit many times. Please don't smoke...

peace

dumbdavid

Bus Trip

Tomorrow I am heading on a five hour bus trip to visit my daughter. It was originally to visit her and go to her teacher conference. Her teacher fell ill yesterday with an appendicitis. The conference has been post-poned. I have reserved a room at a hotel with a pool so my daughter and I can go swimming. She is staying with me at the hotel because she doesn't have school Friday. I have to catch a 2pm bus back on Friday. I took Friday night off from work but I am scheduled for Saturday and Sunday.

It sucks not having a car. It is just miserable riding a bike everywhere or taking the local shuttle. I can't seem to save up money because of things like this trip. It will cost about 150.00 when all is said and done. I don't know what I am going to do.

peace

dumbdavid