She who's name is not to be mentioned.

E. texted me today to inform me she has a new cell phone.  She had to manually copy all her numbers over to her new phone.  She also asked how my Christmas was.  I haven't talked or text her in some time.  I know Rhea doesn't want to hear me mention her so I have really tried not to.  It was such a good Christmas here, then E. text.  I already retired her book from my online storefront.  I published Rhea's book and it was a huge hit with her.  I should just sever ties with E.  She is like the La Brea tar pits pulling my dumb Mammoth self in.  Ixnay on the insay, so they say in pig latin. 

More snow here is really depressing.  Tomorrow we go shopping in St. Cloud.  I will pick up my new drum head.  It will be fun.  Maybe the good Mexican restaurant I can't pronounce for supper.

Peace
dumbdavid

P.S.  Watching G. opened his toy trucks was really cool.  There are some cool benefits to being "Grandpa."

First Christmas at Irving St.

It's 05:45am and the coffee is brewing on Christmas morning.  How can anyone possibly sleep?  I just finished crying as I sat next to the Christmas tree on the sofa.  I was surprised to be overcome with emotion.  It's happiness and sadness wrapped into one.  I am so happy to be here and yet sad at what the last 13 years were like.  I was also sad for the people who aren't here today, my brother and my mom and my daughter.  It was always a Christmas rule that I couldn't wake up my parents until the coffee was ready.  So now it's me and the cat and dog sitting around waiting........ 

Happy Christmas to all.

Peace
dumbdavid

Christmas Eve 5am

It was quiet in the house and not a creature was stirring.  Okay, I am up drinking my diet Dew and blogging.  We have a full house with all the kids except my daughter T. here.  This is a new experience, a new Christmas deal for me.  I am overcome with emotion and it's hard to maintain.  Today we go to my future sister in laws house for family dinner and gifts.  It will be packed with lots of people.  I don't like large family scenes because I always feel awkward with the small talk.  I will just try to blend in and observe.  I came downstairs and turned on the Christmas tree lights to find J. Rhea son sleeping on the sofa.  Oops I forgot he was sleeping there.  Turned them off.  He sleeps like the dead like the whole family does.  I hate them all for this.  Feathers falling wake me up.  Damn Air Force broke my sleeping habits, or maybe it was all the booze, who knows.

In summary, it's a new family tradition starting here.  Dad is supposed to come and have dinner with us tomorrow.  It's looking like snow so he might beg off.  Still it's pretty cool all this new stuff.  Christmas cookies and candy everywhere(oh my waist).  Wrapping toy trucks for my new Grandson, teasing Rhea about opening my present.  Waiting for E. to open her tech present.  And the best, waiting for Rhea to open her final present.  I can't wait to see her expression.

Peace
dumbdavid

She said yes!

Well, I went and done it.  I bought the shiny ring and got down and proposed to Rhea.  Here is the link to the video.  David video proposing to Rhea  We had a wonderful day shopping with the girls, then dinner at Red Lobster.  I was able to sneak into the jewelery store and pick up the ring with no one noticing.  Rhea's older daughter told me she was suspicious when I went off shopping by myself but kept it to herself.  When I came back empty handed she was pretty sure what was going on.  Well, Rhea was totally surprised and overcome with emotion watching the video.  It went better than I expected.  I wasn't worried about her answer.  I just wanted to it be special for her and not screw it up.  I am a very happy man tonight.  Life is about choices and I made the right one.

Peace

dumbdavid

Dish Washing

Well, she is off to work overtime tonight and I am not.  I just finished washing dishes and it's late.  We had homemade chicken soup for dinner, yum.  The brat is playing Minecraft on the sofa as I type.  The older one is somewhere on the road returning with her son and ex boyfriend here???  Well I played my acoustic set today for the second time.  Felt a little less rusty.  The new drum pedal is a little mushy compared to the Yamaha I had been using.  Will adapt to it eventually since it's a double vs. single.

Two weeks from our romantic weekend away.  I am excited to go on this little trip for the simple chance to get away from the chaos of the house.  We are hoping K. gets a job soon so she can move out and give us our space and quiet back.  It's been great getting to know her and G. but very stressful sometimes.

I heard that her ex boyfriends cousin committed suicide this week.  She had been arrested for her 3rd DWI at the age of 22.  It's hard to believe she would think her life would be over after just a little jail time.  There is probably some stuff I don't know about  but it's such a tragedy that she couldn't get the help she needed.  Alcohol, cunning, baffling, powerful, claims another victim.  It's the silent epidemic in the world.  Speaking of which.

WTF! My daughter was arrested two weeks ago for minor consumption at age 16.  She snuck out from a friends house on a sleep over at 4 am to get arrested.  At least she didn't run and was honest with the cops.  I am not a hypocrite and didn't get all self righteous on her.  I was honest and told her I should have been arrested when I was her age.  I told her I can't control her decisions on experimenting with alcohol or drugs.  It's up her to make good decisions.  Each one impacts the rest of her life.   She wants to go to college.  I told her they look at things like criminal records for admittance.  I was really pissed about her lying and sneaking out to hang with guys over 18.  At least she is not dating the kid going to the Marines any more.  That's a heartbreak I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Well enough for now.  Oh, E. still the drama queen as usual.  My new friend C.  is also has the same deal as E.

Peace

dumbdavid

She hates me!!

     Well, I guess I knew it would happen eventually.  My daughter hates me.  I figured with enough exposure to her mother she would be turned against me.  I chose to move here to watch out for my father.  I have "abandoned" her I guess.  She said last night, "I don't want to be your daughter anymore, because you don't treat me like one anyways!"   Cue tears.  WTF!  I have given this girl everything I possibly can except a car and a trip to Costa Rica.  She just sprang this on me Thursday night.  I said I would like to but don't have the 175.00  needed.  She gave me no lead time.  Just like usual for her.  Well now I am the worlds worst father.  It's fucked up.  I know T. blames my girlfriend for everything.  I was alone for eleven years.  Now, I finally find the person I want to spend the rest of my life with and T. is upset.  It's bullshit.  I love my daughter but this is too much.   I worked too hard to get sober to have her ruin it.  I am not going to wreck my current life because she and her mother are immature.  I said my Serenity prayer last night in front my girlfriend.  She was so supportive.  She asks nothing of me but love.  It's the way it's supposed to be.

Lack of sleep and the Urologist

I am having a hard time getting enough sleep.  My "step" grandson G. is making lots of noise while his mother ignores him while I try to sleep each day.  I have had sleeping problems since my last house.  I only get about five hours each night.  Now, I am sick with a cold and a Urinary Tract infection, my second one.  I have an appointment with the Urologist in October.  I have most of the symptoms for BPH and prostate cancer too.  Hopefully it's just an enlarge prostrate and not the other outcome.    It would really be unfair if I had to deal with that now.  Not to mention how expensive the treatments would be.  It would be unfair for R. to deal with also.    Well that's all for now.  The court battle with my employer may be finally over.

The beat goes on.  My daughter is here for a summer visit.  So far, it's been pretty smooth sailing.  She has blended in pretty smooth.  The days are adding up fast.  Over two months now with R.  We have been having regular talks about the M. word.  It's fascinating and scary all the same.  It seems the most natural thing, a progression of where we are at.  I caught myself looking at circular objects today at the mall.  Whoa, that's trippy.  I will wait and see what happens.  Well, this is very short.

Peace

dumbdavid

Waiting for a friend

Rolling Stones, Just waiting for a friend.    I should be used to this by now.  I almost started a spat because I am impatient person.  I should know that it is a waste of my time trying to be on time with the current situation.  Same as it ever was.  I guess I am just wired differently.  Thank you Uncle Sam for making my life more difficult than it needs to be.   Let go and let be, that's the saying.  We get there when we get there.  If it were not for the Wrath of Ron it wouldn't be a big deal.  I am just sick his nagging and complaining.  Pretty soon that will be over I think.  The way fathers are dropping with all my friends he can't be far behind.  Again he could be like a cockroach.  He has survived all the cigarettes and highballs so far.  Whatever.  At least I don't have to work Sunday night. My books showed up on time, imagine that.  I probably won't sell any this weekend which will be very embarrassing.  Time for Serenity Prayer:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Peace

dumbdavid

Grey Eagle

     R. and I have driven twice now to Grey Eagle to retrieve her property.  Today her ex was there.  It's his land.  He was nice enough to deposit her belongings in the back 40 with the wood ticks and mosquitoes.   Today he threw a tantrum like a two year old.  Because she left he wants her car gone and engine he was supposed to be done rebuilding gone.  I think he volunteered to do this by July 4th but is no where near finishing.  The car was drivable so we brought it back here.  We had no means available to haul an engine.  So we will have to make arrangements.  He is also being nice enough to charge her for storage of car and property since she left.  What a jerk.  He was all nice to me introducing himself.  He has me by an inch or two and twenty pounds.  He is a putz though.

     I was glad I was there today.  At first it seemed like everything would be smooth sailing.  The tide turned fast just like the weather.  I watched peripherally at the action to make sure everyone played nice.  It was just like when I was a cop.  Except this time I was a participant instead of just a referee.  We have to go back again tomorrow to pick up R. daughter.

     R. and I keep growing closer and closer.  Today was the first time I have seen her upset.  I was glad it wasn't me she was mad at.  I learned that a persons word means a lot to her.  She told me what a great man I am.  I feel like a little bit of an imposter.  I am good man but not great.  I told her I have faults.  I do.  She has no clue about my money problems.  I have made so many mistakes.  She keeps telling me how lucky she feels to have found me.  I am the lucky one.  I never thought this would happen.  I had lost hope.  I thought I would be alone forever.  I think it took so long for me to heal and discover who the real David is.  I have found this gratitude and acceptance for who I am.  I have normal weaknesses  but I have the one great strength.  I have a large heart.  R. told me so.  I always knew it.  It's scarred and damaged but still beating.  I have so much love to give and R. will receive it.  She deserves it. 

     R. described why the relationship failed with K.  Religion of all things.  Those darn Catholics.  How could you let someone so great as R. go because she won't convert.  I accept R. totally.  I know I can't change her and wouldn't if I could.  We are here now because of everything that has passed.  Our paths crossed and blended into one.  That's all that matters.

Peace

dumbdavid


 

A family affair

Good morning.  It's early and my girls are sleeping upstairs.  My new "family" is asleep upstairs.  It's strange saying that.  My daughter believes that I have run off and found a new family to replace her.  That's not true.  I fell in love.  R.  has children from a previous ugly marriage.  She has parents and a sister, aunts and uncles.  I have no one but Dad and T.  Yesterday was a great visit with Dad.  We worked on his plumbing where my girl showed of her handy skills and drank a beer with Dad during his "happy hour".  She made mega points on his board.  All she has left to do is keep being nice to me and maybe make him a dinner sometime. 

Today is another test for me.  I get to meet R.'s sister and brother in-law.  We are spending the night at her parents for Fathers day and his birthday.   I am a little nervous.  I am out of practice with family settings.  I do better one on one.  Group settings and being on stage make me very nervous.  I know the liquor will be flowing tonight too.  I am not worried about drinking for me but just being around the sights and sounds of intoxicated people is stressful. 

We watched Kill Bill vol. II last night as a family.  The lights were off and R. and I cuddled on the couch.  It could have been any movie and I would have been content.  Making it one of my favorites made it priceless.  I love sharing movies with R. and E. that they haven't watched.  R. is easy to like them but E. a little tougher because of the age separation.  She didn't appreciate Caddyshack. Well what could I expect.  She doesn't golf and the 80's stuff and actors went right over her.    Well got to wake the girls up.  How did I get so lucky.

Peace

dumbdavid

If Anyone Falls

Stevie Nicks sings, "If Anyone Falls." Turns out we both did. What a nice evening. Fixed dinner for my girls while R. mows the backyard. E. comes downstairs and cleans off the dining room table. Such a family setting I find myself wondering if I am in a good Twilight Zone. When does the stress and drama start. I know I shouldn't worry about such stuff. I can't help it. My history almost demands the bad stuff to start up. It taunts me, how dare you be happy. That's not in the cards for dumbdavid. He doesn't deserve this. This joy of normalcy and love. I feel like a stranger in a strange land. I fell through the looking glass and time is running out. I am late, I am late for the nightmare to start. I wish I could quiet those thoughts. Just let go as my recovery literature says. I guess it's part of my addiction. Misery love company and my misery feels neglected. I feel so pathetic for thinking these thoughts. I am really happy today. I have to go to work later but this is about as good as it gets. Ordinary World by Duran Duran is playing now. How convenient? Grieving the loss of a relationship. I am grieving the loss of chaos and darkness. I'll take this love and joy. I will survive and adapt as always. Adapting to happiness will certainly be easier than the bad stuff.

Peace

dumbdavid

One Month!

Well today is my one month anniversary with R. since our first date. It's a small milestone in one sense and huge in another. Everything seems copacetic. She is so easy to be around. R. loves and supports me even when I am stressed out. I hope I don't screw this up. She is the perfect woman for me. I struggle still with my insecurity's. I try to be the best man I can be but come up short I am sure. I love her and her me. It has come on so naturally. It's funny I held back saying it until she did. I even told her, as we hinted around the word, that I couldn't say it until she did. Even then I felt like I was holding back. Once the gate was opened, the love flowed like a river over a dam. There are so many little things R. does that mean a lot to me. Mostly, it's the look in her eyes. The touch of her hand or lips on mine that shows me how much she loves me. It's not just words anymore. It's those moments when she curls into me in bed. She pulls me in close to her so become one.

Peace

dumbdavid

It never goes away does it?

Well, last night the world got shaky. I told my daughter I moved in with my girlfriend R. My daughter sounded upbeat and positive on the phone. Of course, a half hour later my ex called me. Turns out all is not good in Whoville. I found out it's the same thing with her. She feels like she is not wanted or part of the family here. I hung up the phone with her and the first thought I had was drinking. I wanted to come inside and drink some beers. I wanted to feel that numb fog. I was torn between telling R. about these feelings. She could clearly see how upset I was. She held me and told me we would work through it. She is awesome. I had to tell her. Her daughter was also supportive sitting there witnessing my reactions. I asked her to step out of the room so I could talk to R. I told R. about my drinking thoughts. I want to be honest with her. She knows the past I bring. She just covers me with love and support. We will work through this. I will call my daughter today and work this out. E. has offered to share her bedroom with T. That is so huge. I feel like an intruder here still. It's home for me now but I am still waiting to be told to get out. I think this time it's right. We are the perfect match I think. I believe it's real this time. Hopefully my daughter will adjust. It wouldn't be fair if she didn't. I love them all. Please let it work out.

Peace

dumbdavid

Home

Home is where the heart is. My heart is here. I am moving in with R. Truth be told I have been here almost every day for the last three weeks. I am just moving my stuff in to catch up with me and my heart. I told my Dad today. He took it pretty well. I know he is concerned I am rushing things and will screw it up. I am afraid I will screw it up. I am afraid I will get moved in and she will get sick of me. R. is away at an art show for today and tomorrow. I miss her so much. I think it's good to be apart. A little breathing room won't hurt us. It will make it better. I have a new poem for R. It's called Home. I don't want to publish here because I am afraid of copyright infringement now. So much has changed in the last three weeks. I went from being alone to being in love. How is this possible? How did I get so lucky to find the one woman I wanted and needed. She is wonderful. What she sees in me will always keep me in awe. I write her poems and she cries. I tell her things and she cries. She tells me a hundred times how much she loves and then, surprise actually shows me how much she loves me. It makes me so sad I was married for so long and it wasn't like this. I have never seen her upset or mad. We haven't argued or had a disagreement. It's unbelievable. I hold my breath afraid to wake up. Will it last? I hope and dream yes.

Peace

dumbdavid

Cliff

My friend Cliff died yesterday at 10:35am. He pulled out across an intersection from a stop sign into the path of an oncoming Super Duty Ford 1 ton pickup. He was killed instantly. He was a quarter mile from home and from my Dad's place. Cliff was 75 years old. He was really my Dad's friend but like a dutch uncle to me. He gave me some wonderful advice after I found sobriety. I was arguing with my parents who didn't believe I was an alcoholic. Stressed out I asked Cliff, who is sober, what to do. He told me to take care of myself. He said I couldn't control their thoughts and actions only mine. He was so right and funny very much a twelve step idea. I have to let go of other peoples thoughts, actions, behaviors and resentments. I was able to move on and let go of their irrational ideas. Eventually it became a non topic, among others, with them. Cliff was a good man. He had a large family. His sons were very close to me in age. I feel so bad for them. I now fear my fathers death even more. I thought Cliff would be there to help me through it. Now, I have to hope my new girlfriend doesn't get sick of me. I can't imagine going through another loss alone. Last night as I cried she held me and told me it was okay as I apologized for my weakness. I then apologized again for apologizing. I know it's okay to cry. It's part of the ordinary grief process. But us tough guys don't cry I say. Huh? So I talked and cried into my girlfriends arms. I can't write anymore out of exhaustion. I will miss you Cliff.

Peace

dumbdavid

Landslide

Well, officially we are a couple. The letter I gave R. this morning caused a landslide of emotions. I see it in her eyes. She wants to say it. R. is overwhelmed with everything. I am too. I thought I could move slowly. Her tears this morning brought tears to me. Emotion is swelling up within me. I fight the urge to move forward. To be open and experience what is in front of me. The way R. looks at me. The love is in her eyes even if she can't say it. She holds me and I feel great. Now, she is gone on her trip to her parents. I miss her so much. These last two days were even better than the ones before. We sat as a family eating dinner. Her daughter is great. Our two roads have merged into one. I can't deny my feelings. And yet the fear is still present. I think R. has the same thing. Fear. I have been hurt so much. This keeps getting better. I know I have had similar experiences before. I wish I could say that this time it will last. I guess that's the real thing. You don't know. You have to have faith. Trust. Love is not a timid emotion. I don't want to be the first to say it. We keep hinting at it. Love is sprinkled in other sentences. "I love your...." Like little tests. A toe in the water. I am so glad I gave R. the letter this morning instead of letting her read it alone. We will be as one. One thousand kisses gave way to a new future.

Peace

dumbdavid

Hurts so good.

Thanks JCM. I am tired and sore. I think it's official. We are a couple. I am looking forward to after work tomorrow morning. I am really tired tonight. R. woke me with a text tonight. What a nice way to wake up. I teased her a little but I was very happy to hear the tone from my phone. This has been an amazing weekend. There was only one small snag with mr. happy. Or as he is know known, mr. I don't show it up when needed. Well, we have to the technology, ie. chemistry to fix that. R. is right about one thing. How do we sit on break without acknowledging what has happened between us. I told her I supported what she wanted regarding work and our relationship. The company is just like a high school. People talk to much. I have been guilty too. I just don't want R. to face any unwanted Just found Jerry Macguire on cable. The speech is coming soon. How about the night was nearly complete because he couldn't share it with Renee. I immediately think about R. I told her this morning in bed, "you were hiding in plain sight." We have take so so long to get here in our life. We just weren't ready to be together. Her road sounds like it was rough like mine. I cried in front of her this morning unexpectedly. I was talking about one of the last conversations I had with mom. I just choked up and couldn't go on for a second. The look of compassion and empathy in her eyes meant so much to me. I have one big concern. It's all about me. I haven't been able to talk about my drinking. Last night she was drinking a beer when I got to her house. Some new fancy Budweiser. I wanted one so bad. I drank my dew instead. I am terrified about what happens when I tell her. Will she accept me then. I think so but don't know. The speech is on. The night wasn't complete because he couldn't share it with her. "You complete me." I guess that says it all.

Peace

dumbdavid

Waiting to exhale

Well, I am waiting and hoping she texts tonight. I think she will. We have exchanged texts today. I found her jewelery that she forgot here. I wonder if it was accidental or on purpose. I think it was accidental. I told my friend C. about last night. She was very happy for me. She did tell me she drank last night. I felt bad for her. She complains about it but isn't quite ready to stop. I wish I could do something to help her but there is nothing I can do. Back to R. My lips hurt. For real! It must have been about a thousand kisses last night. They seemed so soft last night. I am so tired. So where do we go from here. I am writing because I don't know. It's exciting because I know nothing about her. I get to discover each new thing about her and her me. I am deeply worried about one thing. Last night the subject of alcohol didn't come up. She didn't drink during supper. Also, her ex husband is a wicked drunk. He hasn't had a DL for 20 years because of DWI's. Thankfully it didn't come up. I feel like I am lying by not sharing my alcoholism with her. Part of me wants her to know up front. Before it gets so serious that either one of us gets hurt. I guess I will wait. It's not like I am drinking. It will come up eventually. I hope she will understand. So last night we laid together. All night. Just holding each other, kissing and stuff. We drifted off to sleep then woke up in each others arms to start again. Her breathing and sounds really are animated. Quite thrilling to experience her reactions to my touch. I can hardly wait to be alone with her again. I wish we didn't have to go back to work tomorrow night. This summer will be tough. She will be busy. I will have to be patient. Inquiring minds want to know. When to make the facebook relationship status change. Standing by.

Peace

dumbdavid

The morning after

It's the morning after and I am feeling fine. I have barely slept but it's a good exhaustion and pain. I had a date last night with R. I didn't know what to expect except that I could tell she was a nice person. Dinner was okay, food and service was good but the atmosphere lacked. We came back to my house and tried to watch a movie Silver Lining Playbook. We didn't finish. I reached up and touched her hair. I could tell she liked that. Then we kissed. So soft, were her lips. Well we didn't finish the movie. I just returned from dropping her off this morning. R. has to drive to the cities today to help her mom set up for next week garage sale. She said she would text me when she gets back so maybe I can see her tonight. I can see this going for long time. We like so many things[zombies]. She is very sensitive in many ways. We connected so easily last night. I sent her a text this morning so she would have my phone number, "missing you already." Her reaction was priceless. It really touched her and she saved it in her phone. Now the problem for me is too fast, too soon. We'll see. I just react, improvise, adapt, and overcome. Now, counting down until I see her and hold her in my arms again. Feel her lips against mine. I didn't think this would happen.

Peace

dumbdavid