Tired

This new night shift has worn me out. Next week will be tougher still. I will slowly adjust I guess.

E. had court yesterday and I don't know what happened. I am worried for her. J. is a dick and still making her life hell. E. Is probably has a little responsibility for things but not like J. Wrote a new poem yesterday called Haunted. It's about E. of course. So.

What to do?

Peace

dumbdavid

Down Sunday

It's a down dreary Sunday with drizzle and dark mood forecasted. Haven't heard from anyone on Facebook. Work has me down as the enormity of the future in the factory pulls down on me. I haven't been writing which I should with the book release party coming up. I think I am holding on too tight again. I am pegged on the stress meter. Loneliness just seasons the pain with Cayene pepper. I ran out of gas yesterday because of my stupidity. Dad came to rescue me. If I had a gas can with me I wouldn't have called him. I took it out of the trunk for the mower and forgot to replace it. It sort of fit me like a theme of my current life.

I long to touch someone again. I know it's part of the reason I talk with E. That history of passion is like a blow torch in my memory just like W. I had accepted being alone for the first time. W. woke me up to the beauty of intimacy. She promised me I wouldn't be alone anymore. 30 days and she ditched me like a new lemon car. I am a lemon. No, I am not really sour and bitter. Just sad. I try not to dwell anymore. Lexapro has been working pretty good. I think the drastic changes to my sleep pattern are messing with me.

I am going to nap now.

Peace

dumbdavid

Arts Festival and E. Again

Well I am exhausted from 5 hours driving today to and from the Northwoods Arts Festival. My poem didn't win anything. I did read it aloud. It is very strange doing that. I don't think I will ever get comfortable saying poems aloud. I did meet the publishers of the Talking Stick. They said I could sell books there. I will order some so I can take them up there. I can make a sign here and print it off.

E. Wrote again. Her ex J. Is causing problems again. He is a dick, even if he used to be my friend. He sicked child protection on E. Karma is a motherfucker J. What goes around comes around. I re read some old dumbdavid posts re: E. Alarms are ring as she slowly enters my life again. She is worse than alcohol. I quit drinking after 20 years, but I am ready for another chance at her. It is like saying, "it's only one beer!". Like one won't lead to another and another.

I am tired and confused.

Peace

dumbdavid

Back on the chain gang!

Surprise, surprise my employer has found a job that "meets" my permanent restrictions. Fuck!!!! I thought I would never have to step into that factory again. Dad says, "nobody likes their job". No shit! I hate mine.

On the E. front, she keeps writing. She asked my opinion about her angry son. I remember a sweet fun boy of eight. Not an angry 20 something mixed up man/child. I feel for her. It's weird. I sent her my number in a message. Alarm bells ring my head but I keep writing her. Thank goodness she has a boyfriend and she is 150 miles away. No temptation that way. I guess I am still the broken man I thought.

Peace

dumbdavid

NORTHWOODS ART & BOOK FESTIVAL POETRY DISPLAY/RECOGNITION, AUGUST 20th, 2011 HACKENSACK, MN

Well I have been invited to the Hackensack Arts Festival along with other poets. I am not sure if one or both of my poems will be displayed. I will get to read my first poem, "Failure at Forty". Of course, it's about me like most of my poems. I don't know if I should be honored that someone liked my self loathing description of my under achievement. I guess I am. I wasn't ever planning on sharing that poem. There are some that are too personal, too open to share. I have read my poems before in public. It is a strange naked feeling standing up and opening a vein for strangers to see inside mental meltdown. I guess it makes me a closet exhibitionist.

Job

I hate searching for jobs, filling out apps and interviews. Yesterday I interviewed for a part time job. Kind of a waste of time. The job probably won't work for me. I guess it was good experience though. I also got paid mileage for it. It would help if I had some direction to go in. I don't want to move for several reasons. Expense, hassle, the work of it all suck.

I picked up my new prescription for L. today. I also got some more samples too. Hopefully workers comp will pay from here out. I guess that's all for today.

Peace

dumbdavid