Right to die?

I just watched an episode of Boston Legal. There was nothing better on. It had a case of assisted suicide. The husband was arrested for murder. He was acquitted. His lawyer argued how we humanely put our suffering pets to sleep because we are humane. He spoke of the daily decisions in hospitals to end life by increased morphine drips and turning off a ventilator. I didn't know the content of the show before I watched it. It upset me of course. I couldn't help but think of my Mom dying in her hospital bed when we decided to turn off her ventilator. It was the most horrible thing I have ever experience watching. The doctor told us it would be over in a couple of hours. It wasn't.

My mother was a strong woman who survived the loss of her first son to drugs/suicide and her three back surgeries. She kept fighting the last 23 hours of her life. She died in the ten minutes I went outside with my dad so he could smoke. I suspect, but have no proof the nurse came in and gave her a morphine overdose. It was too much a coincidence. I felt ashamed when it was finally over because I was glad. I was glad her suffering of the last two years had ended.

My dad called me when they rushed my Mom to the hospital that last time. He said he couldn't make that decision [turning off life support] alone. He knew, as I did, my mother's wishes in her living will. She didn't want to kept alive after loss of brain function. I was there and supported the decision to turn off her ventilator. the rest of my mothers family didn't understand and didn't come to her funeral. It is now a year later and they are still not talking to us.

So, I am here still thinking of my mother. It is one of those things I will live with for the rest of my life. If you don't have a living will get one. I need to. My Dad actually got one done after my Mother died. Do we have a right to die? Who knows. I wish there was no suffering but that's niave.

peace

dumbdavid

Bounce

I am watching the movie Bounce. It is a syrupy drama with Ben Affleck and Gwyneth Paltrow. Affleck is an alcoholic in the movie and has problems in real life. I have over six years of sobriety now. My life is still a mess though. I spent this weekend visiting my daughter. It was a great time. We camped out and had a bonfire. I also packed all the rest of my belongings I had been storing in my ex-wife's garage. She had been very kind since I was evicted to store my stuff. It wasn't that much since I left most of my belongings behind. I haven't told anyone this whole story except her. I had no money to move my furniture or other things. I packed up three car loads and hauled them to her spare garage. I had no money even to rent a storage locker. My stuff has sat for a year in her garage because I had no car or license to go and pick it up. Now, all that I own is in this little room I rent. I will have to eventually buy furniture and household goods.

I don't blame anyone but myself for this debacle that is my life. I am making small steps forward instead of the backward ones I was. I should probably start going to meetings again too. I guess I am making small steps forward in relationships too. I bit my tongue when I saw the sad state my ex-wife has let her house get too. I am concerned about the mess the house was in, since my daughter lives there. I accidently found my ex-wife anti-depressants in the medicine cabinet while I was looking for a bandaid.

I talked to my daughter about asking the two women on dates. I guess it may sound weird to have a conversation with a nine year old about dating. She asks time to time about me having a girlfriend so I told her no. I think I can feel a postive change finally inside me. I don't know when or if but maybe there is another woman out there for me. I want to be cautious and not make a mistake. I don't want to be closed off or too limited.


Ben Affleck is talking about being a bad driver. It is his metaphor about being bad in relationships. It fits me because looking back I haven't been a good anything in relationships. I think it is good I realize this. I just don't know the right things to do in the start, middle, or the rest of a relationship. Well, enough for now.

peace

dumbdavid

It's been too long!

Sorry, I have been away too long. I have gone back to working two jobs. I am pretty tired most of the time I get about one day out seven off. Here is the question of the day. Why can't I get a date? It didn't seem that hard when I was younger and single. Now I am older and divorced and having no joy. I have been shot down twice in the last couple of weeks. I no I must expand my search area but I refuse to bar hop to meet women. Bars and dumbdavid do not mix. It would be gasoline and fire. Well, I hope to post on more regular basis now that I have a high speed wireless connection.

peace

dumbdavid