A Father's regret

I just finished watching Hope Floats again with Sandra Bullock. She has a daughter in the movie who is a little younger than mine. Sandra and her husband in the movie are separated and going through a divorce. The daughter has a big emotional scene when her father comes to visit. She tries to leave with him[against his wishes]. He is selfish a rejects her. The girl breaks down in a horribly painful way. It sucks to watch as an absent father.

I hardly see my daughter now. It's been almost a month again since I saw her. I call her once a week. We talk for less than five minutes each time. She is growing up and I am blowing it. I feel trapped where I am.

I feel bad because I wish for my inheritance. I could move down near her again then. I am too poor to do it otherwise. I sometimes wish I had never moved up here. I have grown to know my father more since I moved here. I have lost some of my relationship with my daughter that I will never get back.

My daughter deserves a better father. I need to man up and find a solution to this problem. I am also worried that recurring sadness is creeping back in. I have noticed I am down a lot more recently. My dad has even commented on it. I am at a loss for answers. None seem to be coming either. My car is dying and I can't afford another one. What to do?

peace

dumbdavid

Her in my shoebox

The shoe box contains pictures of her. It holds my memories of her. The ones I can’t let go of or deal with. Most people don’t save these mementos of a lost love. I know I have thrown out stuff like this before. My ex-wife even found old letters from my college sweetheart and made me throw them out.

I opened the shoe box today looking for something else. The box isn’t labeled for her. I have several old shoe boxes stuffed with junk. I had forgotten what this specific box held. I opened it and saw her face. It wouldn’t of mattered how I opened the box. Her face was staring up at me waiting for me to open again.

It hard to believe that almost seven years has passed since she left me. Looking back, it is easier to understand how it didn't work out for us. There was too many obstacles in our way. I sometimes regret that time with her. I would be lying if I said I didn't. I am grateful for that time too.

It was one of the most intense, emotional, chaotic and meaningful times of my life. I wouldn't as healthy as I am now if I hadn't lived through that time. Eileen Lahti opened doors in me I didn't know existed. The fact that I am sitting here typing is a testament to her. She sparked the first words in my adult writing life. It was during our first separation that I found sobriety. I will always be grateful for that.

She didn't push me torwards it[sobriety]. She was the first person outside of AA that accepted as an alcoholic. My own family wouldn't, even to this day.

Her picture in the shoe box. Her beautiful brown eyes aren't diminished by the years or the age of the photo. I remember the day I met her. It was her brown eyes that stunned me. It was ironic that it was her wedding day. She married my best friend. I was already married to someone else. I could only think, "How did he[my friend] get so lucky?" He had hid her away from most of us. I guess for good reason.

I fell in love with the woman in my shoe box. It took several years but it was inevitable. Fate, destiny, fuck I don't know. One can make an argument both ways whether man has control over his fate.


Her in my shoe box

Shoe boxes full of memories and heartache
Was it ever so real as today feels
A surgically enhanced version of truth
Photographs capture the instant of rapture
Locking agony step in step along side


peace

dumb david

Saturday

It's Saturday and I am doing laundry and not much more. I just finished watching Land of Women. It was a bit contrived about a writer who goes to visit his Grandmother as she is dying. He meets the neighbors, Meg Ryan and Kristin Stewart, mother/daughter. It's not a bad movie but kind of cliche with Meg Ryan being diagnosed with breast cancer.

The movie made me think about writing. The main character is going through a dry spell after being dumped by his girlfriend. I haven't been writing much either. I have completely stopped writing poetry. I remember when there were times when I couldn't get the words out of my head fast enough. I would sometimes wake up in the middle of the night with lines for a new poem.

I switch now back and forth between short stories that I don't finish to narratives, again I don't finish. I am all about the non-finish. I get wound up with an idea and I run with it for awhile until I get bored. I have a couple of stories that are finished. They just need some hard work editing.

I wonder if I am a real writer sometimes. I am not published or anything. I am sure there are lots of people who wish they were writers but don't ever write. I can at least say I tried. I emotionally invested myself in the words I put down. I don't write about trivial or mundane things.

It would be great to be recognized someday with being published. I don't think self publishing a chapbook of poems counts. I am not knocking my poems but it's not the same as being published by a real publishing company.

I am blessed with the opportunity to write. I think it's better to wet the page with ink than to just daydream about it. It doesn't matter how good the words are.

We can't all be Hemingway

peace

dumbdavid

Ice Storm

It's not just a controversial film of the 1970's, by Ang Lee. It follows two dysfuntional families over a the Thanksgiving break one year. The two couples are screwed up with an affair at the middle of it. I didn't mean this to be a review. I just wanted the reader to understand where I am coming from. An ice storm actually hits during the last part of the movie. Elijah Wood of LOTR fame plays one of the couples son's. Tobey Macguire is another. Wood is out running around during the storm when a power pole falls down and arcs into the guardrail he is sitting on. He is electrocuted.

They show the aftermath of the death of Wood. I had seen the movie before but had forgotten that Wood's had a younger brother in the movie. It was very tough witnessing the younger brother facing his older brothers death.

I wrote recently about my nephews suicide. My daughter visited this weekend to celebrate Christmas. She went to the funeral last Saturday for him. I gently brought up the subject. We talked a long time with her guiding the conversation. I was supportive and understanding. I can't imagine how hard it's for her at age 11. She was only six years apart from her cousin. We talked about my brother who committed suicide.

I volunteered to her that I have known six people now who have committed suicide. They were three relatives and three friends. My daughter and I talked about each person and their circumstances. I told her I loved her very much. I let her know that anytime she wanted to talk about Johnny[her cousin] or anything it was all right. I want to her be able to express her feelings normally and not be repressed like I was.

Can you imagine being in a household where a child dies and everyone pretends like it never happened. They pretend like the child never existed unless an outside party brings up the subject. I grew up in this household.

peace

dumbdavid