Christmas 2014

Well, with no surprise, my Dad cancelled coming to Christmas dinner.  He would rather sit home alone with a Marie Calenders dinner than come spend it with me and my new family.  I won't go into the possible reasons.  I can think of several that would explain it.  R. says I can't change his mind.  It's true I can't.  I try to empathize with his position.  I have spent too many Christmas' alone.  My new family jokes about me and the Chinese restaurant on Christmas.  It's funny but it hurts too.  It's part of my past I'm not especially proud of.  It just makes me grateful to be sitting here today.

It's been almost ten years since I moved to this town.  I stayed because of Dad when all things said I should move back closer to my daughter.  She turned 18 yesterday and is beautiful.  I have missed over the last nine years with her.  I see her probably a half dozen times a year now.  It's truly pathetic how bad I have become about visiting her.  It's the combination of money and time and exhaustion from a 8 hour round trip.  It's a minimum of $200 to go also.  No excuse though I should have been there.  I stayed here out of loyalty to an old man who knows how much time he has left.  He complains about everything and it has rubbed off on me.  I know I complain too much.  My wonderful wife has commented on it so I try to self check.

My daughter got her first tattoo yesterday.  I wish she hadn't.  I have two tattoos.  Hers is pretty I just don't want to hear Grandpa bitch about it.  I guess parents are suppose to tell you how to live your life.  It's part of the bonus of being a parent(really?)   I wrote my daughter a touching letter for her 18th birthday.  I told her how proud I was of her and how I would support her.  I told her to live her life the way she wants to.  Don't try to be someone that pleases all around her.  I told her to live her life that makes her happy and I would support her.  In the end that's most important, that she is happy.  If I lay a bunch of guilt or complaints on her what's gained by it?

Just the leather belt, I am trying to change the past and make a better future for my child.

Peace

dumbdavid

The Talk

So I will probably have to talk to my Dad regarding J. tomorrow.  I am worried about how it will go.  I for see only bad outcomes.  Dad's negativity sometimes is a pain in the ass.  Tomorrow it will be a a serious obstacle.  I wish I didn't have to do this but he has pushed the issue forward.  How do you make someone understand something which they have so much irrational fear towards.  He's an old man from a different generation.  I wish Mom was here to help.  I think she might understand but I don't know.  She's been gone for nine years now so it's hard to remember how her feelings on the subject would be.  I have some inkling but nothing definitive.

I am afraid Dad will keep bringing this subject up in the future.  That it will be an ongoing thorn in his side.  It would be just like him to expend an excess amount of worry over something that really has nothing to do with him.  I have run the conversation through my head several times now.  I can anticipate his questions/ comments.  It's so stressful for me.  I feel so bad for J. that I have caused more stress for him.  I guess will have to recite the Serenity prayer a bunch of times.  I can only control my thoughts and actions, no one else's.


peace

dumbdavid

Wedding Day/ Losing Mike D. to tragedy

Well, it's my wedding day.  It has been a hectic couple of prep days at the cabin.  Unfortunately yesterday talking to a neighbor of mine, he passed on sad news.  One of my childhood friends and groomsmen from my first wedding, Mike Dalsin, died tragically March 31st in a construction accident.  He was a roofing estimator for his family business.  He had worked the roofs of large commercial buildings for over 30 years.  He was up on the 31st of March estimating a roof when he stepped on a weak spot.  He fell through to his death many feet below.  I felt the air escape me yesterday and my stomach fall away on hearing of his death.  I had lost touch with Mike after my divorce.  I blamed him because of his religious and personal views seemed uneasy with my life choices.  I look back now in regret of losing one of my closest friends due to a women I barely know anymore.  I am sorry Mike.  I am sorry I wasn't a better friend.  I will miss you dearly for the rest of my life.  You were with me when my brother died in 1980 and it bonded us forever.  Thank you for your friendship and generosity over the years.  Rest easy brother.

Now,  a little over eight hours from now I will be getting married to a wonderful, beautiful, smart, funny and deeply caring woman.  She is the anti of my first wife.  Everything leading up to today has been a stark contrast to my first wedding.  I am not nervous or stressed about today or the future.  It is just hard to believe that it's happening after what I endured for so long.  After losing Mike, I worry about what would happen if I lost my bride to be, R.  I wanted to get drunk last night and make the pain stop.  I didn't drink even though I watched R. family drink it up.

Here are the lyrics to "No Day But Today" from the musical Rent.  It's so appropriate.

The heart may freeze or it can burn
The pain will ease if I can learn

There is no future
There is no past
Thank God this moment's not the last

There's only us
There's only this
Forget regret-- or life is yours to miss.
No other road
No other way
No day but today

There's only yes
Only tonight
We must let go
To know what is right
No other course
No other way
No day but today

I can't control
My destiny
I trust my soul
My only hope
is just to be

There's only now
There's only here
Give in to love
Or live in fear
No other path
No other way
No day but today

I open my heart once again to my greatest fear, abandonment.  I believe I have attachment disorder though I have never been formally diagnosed.   The loss of my brother at such a young age forever scarred me.  I have grown stronger and healed greatly but will always have that scar on my heart.  I know my relationships have suffered over the years because of this.  Unconsciously I would sabotage or leave relationships before they could leave me, except in a couple relationships where women left me.  So today I fling caution to the wind.  I say yes to love and a future of happiness.  She is standing beside me as an equal partner.  We are both survivors and it bonds us uniquely.  Our broken/abused hearts find love and solace in each others arms.  So I will say yes today.

No day but today!


Peace

dumbdavid   

T-minus seven days aka "Dead man walking"

It's seven days counting down until my wedding to R.  It's pretty amazing considering where I was a year and a half ago.  I would have never believed anyone if they said this day would come.  We are having an outside wedding at the cabin.  There will be canopies, tables and chairs set up, even a port a potty.  I just hope the weather cooperates.  I haven't found an alternate site for bad weather.  My ex has reared her ugly head demanding I return my daughter the day after the wedding.  I had agreed not thinking about the cleanup afterwords at the cabin.   Last night R. got really upset that my ex was trying to control things in our wedding.  She was really pissed.  I explained this is what I have dealt with since 1991.  I can't wait for a year from now when I am done with my ex.  Won't have to deal with her anymore.  I think all the details have been worked out.  R. and I make an excellent couple.  Her artistic side and my list making OCD have brought all things together.  It is such a change from the last time I got married.  I am nervously excited but not stressed like before.  I have written a new poem I will read at the wedding.  I can't post it yet but will try to after.  I must drive almost ten hours today to pick up my daughter for the wedding week.  It will be tiring but good having her involved.  Well got to get ready for the drive.

Peace

dumbdavid

p.s. here is our theme.


  Brighter than sunshine by Aqualung

Drumming

Don't remember how much I have written about playing the drums.  It is something I have done off and on since 7th grade.  So many years lost during post Air Force and marriage time.  I bought an Yamaha electronic kit in August 2009 the same month I hurt my elbow.  I rehabbed back from that injury and have been playing again since.  Since I have met my fiance she has been very supportive of my hobby.  This summer I found a beat up Ludwig Accent kit for $150.  She encouraged me to buy it.  I cleaned it up and sold it for what I had into it before Christmas.  I found a Yamaha Stage custom 6 piece Cranberry Red set for $475 which I thought was a good deal.  It was missing hardware and had some scratches.  I negotiated the price down to cover the missing parts, $365.  So I have both sets back to back in my drum room, okay the basement.  I am worried due to moisture problems down there.  Well I played again yesterday and I am sure rusty.  I have never been a great kit drummer.  I play at about 80-85 accuracy and I am fine with it.  I am 48 now so playing at all is a good thing.  It's a relatively cheap hobby.  I don't need another kit now but like the accessories that go with it.    Added some Paisted cymbals and a couple of Wuhan's.  Fiance bought me a Roc n Soc for Christmas.  Isn't she awesome? Here is an obligatory pic.