Sat. Nite thinking

I am alone watching ALCS baseball game feeling in the dumps. I am wondering if I will ever find someone. I don't know how to even meet women anymore. Part of the problem is my lack of confidence. Another pity party for dumbdavid. I have even been daydreaming about past girlfriends, Phyllis and E. Beautiful women, passionate, smart. Wasn't meant to be.

Do you ever remember a last kiss? I never do. First kisses yes, but not the last. To feel those lips against mine again, I would give a lot.

Peace

dumbdavid

Losing again!

Well, my multi billion dollar employer has won another round in my workers comp battle. Even though I am receiving $1.11 less per hour than I should for being forced to take a lower paying job, the statue doesn't recognize this fact. It looks at my pre injury pay versus current pay which is equal. I should be working my old job earning an extra 2000 per year. Plus, with my restrictions I will never be able to sign into a higher paying job in the company. I still have a chance to receive some of the underpayment from when I was off work. I won't hold my breath. So far my lawyer has done nothing so I guess she won't get paid unless the underpayment goes through. Fuck scotch brand products!

Peace

dumbdavid

Messages

It is funny how things worked out. What I thought was real wasn't. What I felt was used. I thought it was something real but suspect was only a diversion. I'm not sure how to process the new information I have learned. I am not angry, just more hurt. I think I understand but can't be sure. I guess I see how it happened, she was confused, turned to me. My mess turned her back to him. Now, she is alone. I truly wish Phyllis the best. I wish the hurt wasn't there, here. I don't regret any of it.

Peace

dumbdavid

A Vampire's life

I just woke up a half hour ago. I like working on the third shift again, but. There are small issues. I liven a busy street so noise is a problem. The garbage truck drivers think they are Dale Jr. My dad seems surprised when I call him, "you sound down.". Actually, I just woke up and the caffeine hasn't kicked in. Duh!

I haven't written about the Talking Stick 20 book release party. It was great. I met so many interesting people there. I was hoping to find someone to edit my short story collection but my shyness kept me from asking. It was amazing seeing my poem in the book along with so many gifted writers. I read my poem in front of about 50 people. That was scary, easily the biggest crowd I had read in front of. My poem 'Scars' is very personal. Now, dad wants to see the book and of course, my poem. How will he react? Will he realize it is mostly about him. I was thinking of showing him my book but afraid of the pain it would cause. Wish I knew what to do.

The sun shines here today, cool.

Peace

dumbdavid

Sadness

Sadness comes and goes in my life. Please understand this isn't a complaint. My mood ebbs and flows lime the tide washing in and out. I watch movies and my emotions let go. I wonder what is left in my life. My daughter is growing up and away from me. My father says it was bound to happen. I am sad at this. This blog is my place to voice my emotions instead of internalizing or repressing them. I feel very alone tonight.

I feel grateful that I have only one wish left in life. My dreams have come true. I have loved and been loved. I served with honor as a policeman and soldier. I have played music and created poems from thin air. All that I wish for my life is love, long lasting love. I accept that it probably won't happen. Such is life.

Peace

dumbdavid

Tired

This new night shift has worn me out. Next week will be tougher still. I will slowly adjust I guess.

E. had court yesterday and I don't know what happened. I am worried for her. J. is a dick and still making her life hell. E. Is probably has a little responsibility for things but not like J. Wrote a new poem yesterday called Haunted. It's about E. of course. So.

What to do?

Peace

dumbdavid

Down Sunday

It's a down dreary Sunday with drizzle and dark mood forecasted. Haven't heard from anyone on Facebook. Work has me down as the enormity of the future in the factory pulls down on me. I haven't been writing which I should with the book release party coming up. I think I am holding on too tight again. I am pegged on the stress meter. Loneliness just seasons the pain with Cayene pepper. I ran out of gas yesterday because of my stupidity. Dad came to rescue me. If I had a gas can with me I wouldn't have called him. I took it out of the trunk for the mower and forgot to replace it. It sort of fit me like a theme of my current life.

I long to touch someone again. I know it's part of the reason I talk with E. That history of passion is like a blow torch in my memory just like W. I had accepted being alone for the first time. W. woke me up to the beauty of intimacy. She promised me I wouldn't be alone anymore. 30 days and she ditched me like a new lemon car. I am a lemon. No, I am not really sour and bitter. Just sad. I try not to dwell anymore. Lexapro has been working pretty good. I think the drastic changes to my sleep pattern are messing with me.

I am going to nap now.

Peace

dumbdavid

Arts Festival and E. Again

Well I am exhausted from 5 hours driving today to and from the Northwoods Arts Festival. My poem didn't win anything. I did read it aloud. It is very strange doing that. I don't think I will ever get comfortable saying poems aloud. I did meet the publishers of the Talking Stick. They said I could sell books there. I will order some so I can take them up there. I can make a sign here and print it off.

E. Wrote again. Her ex J. Is causing problems again. He is a dick, even if he used to be my friend. He sicked child protection on E. Karma is a motherfucker J. What goes around comes around. I re read some old dumbdavid posts re: E. Alarms are ring as she slowly enters my life again. She is worse than alcohol. I quit drinking after 20 years, but I am ready for another chance at her. It is like saying, "it's only one beer!". Like one won't lead to another and another.

I am tired and confused.

Peace

dumbdavid

Back on the chain gang!

Surprise, surprise my employer has found a job that "meets" my permanent restrictions. Fuck!!!! I thought I would never have to step into that factory again. Dad says, "nobody likes their job". No shit! I hate mine.

On the E. front, she keeps writing. She asked my opinion about her angry son. I remember a sweet fun boy of eight. Not an angry 20 something mixed up man/child. I feel for her. It's weird. I sent her my number in a message. Alarm bells ring my head but I keep writing her. Thank goodness she has a boyfriend and she is 150 miles away. No temptation that way. I guess I am still the broken man I thought.

Peace

dumbdavid

NORTHWOODS ART & BOOK FESTIVAL POETRY DISPLAY/RECOGNITION, AUGUST 20th, 2011 HACKENSACK, MN

Well I have been invited to the Hackensack Arts Festival along with other poets. I am not sure if one or both of my poems will be displayed. I will get to read my first poem, "Failure at Forty". Of course, it's about me like most of my poems. I don't know if I should be honored that someone liked my self loathing description of my under achievement. I guess I am. I wasn't ever planning on sharing that poem. There are some that are too personal, too open to share. I have read my poems before in public. It is a strange naked feeling standing up and opening a vein for strangers to see inside mental meltdown. I guess it makes me a closet exhibitionist.

Job

I hate searching for jobs, filling out apps and interviews. Yesterday I interviewed for a part time job. Kind of a waste of time. The job probably won't work for me. I guess it was good experience though. I also got paid mileage for it. It would help if I had some direction to go in. I don't want to move for several reasons. Expense, hassle, the work of it all suck.

I picked up my new prescription for L. today. I also got some more samples too. Hopefully workers comp will pay from here out. I guess that's all for today.

Peace

dumbdavid

Facebook

I got onto Facebook to monitor my daughter. Now, I have my own friends. Except one just unfriended me. This person I thought was a close friend. We had emailed extensively even though we live far apart. We hadn't spoken for 26 years until she found me on FB. It's been a roller coaster ride for sure. I though we had made a special bond. It is just like my life to have things start falling apart again. It's a vicious cycle of a couple okay years followed by incredible stress and strife. Like David Byrne says, "Same as it ever was, same as it ever was". Fuck! I am so hurt and frustrated. A beer would be so good right now. Yeah that's the ticket. Let's go straight back to insanity. That would be so much better. A little Latin for you listeners.

Lorem
Ipsum

Translated literally means pain for pains sake!

Peace

dumbdavid

Stupid, Crazy Love

Well I went to a movie today. 14.50 including popcorn and diet coke. At least I got my money's worth. I saw Stupid, Crazy Love. I laughed really hard in spots and was moved in others. I won't give away plot but Steve Carell was very good along with everyone else.

So my daughter called asking for money for the fair next week. I felt bad I can't send it until Monday. Her Mom had to butt in the conversation to ask if I am working yet. No, but I have found some leads. I really don't want to move due to hassle and expense. I might have to. St. Cloud is a good town if I go there. A lot of memories.

Did I post that found J. On Facebook? Shocking really. I guess I am in some form of contact with most of my exes. Pretty strange I guess. I wonder if it would have been better to stay in stealth mode. At least E. Has been friendly. J. hasn't communicated with me only accepted my friend request. I will leave her alone. She has her life. I think I ruined my chance I had with L. I seem to be really good at that.

Soul mates? That was the theme of today's movie. I thought several times I have found my soul mate. Maybe I did at sixteen and it just wasn't meant to be in this lifetime. Maybe next one.

To B.

The desert sunrise awaits us


Peace

dumbdavid

A Walk to Remember

Is Nicholas Sparks a genius or a schmuck for books he writes? Genius is a little strong but he has the genre down pat. I had read the book, A Walk to Remember, but tonight I watched the movie. It started a little too much like an average teen movie, then it switched. The last half definitely was stronger. I was touched more than I had been by the book. I hope they keep making more of his books into movies. There are a couple I'd like to see.

My short stories seem like cheap imitations of his stories. I wonder if I should keep trying. I have some writers block again. I started a story but not sure it should be finished. I have no other ideas either. My disaster story is stalled too. It feels like a waste of time.

I guess not much more tonight.

Peace

dumbdavid

Job apps.

Well I am in the job search mode again. The multi billion dollar company that injured me just can't seem to find a job that fits me. The wicked witch of Alexandria "D. E." should be fired for her lack of human resource. It is a sad world when an employer cares so little for employees while claiming to be concerned with safety.

So, I filled out to job applications today. Probably, the first of many I will do. It sucks! Middle age job hunts suck! It is almost as worse as dating as I approach my 46th birthday. Which, I will probably be alone again.

We interrupt this pity party. Those responsible have been sacked!

Of course my back is out again......

Those responsible for sacking the people who have just been sacked have been sacked.

Of course I slipped into silliness to avoid my obvious discomfort. Deflect with humor I say.

Peace

dumbdavid

The Fighter ie: Brothers

Wow, I just watched the movie, The Fighter. It tells the story of boxer Mickey Ward and his brother Dickey. I guess I should of been prepared for the story. I just under estimated the impact it would have on me. There are some who have accused me of "living in the past". I don't think that is totally true. I had my heart broken in 1980 with the suicide of my older brother. My heart never healed completely. I think all my relationships have suffered because of it. I don't blame Scott either. I think it's just the truth and it's my fault.

I sit tonight in my sadness. Life is tough now because of several things. I went to Facebook tonight. Sometimes it's the worst or best website. Tonight I viewed an alternate life I could of had. Strange. I am not saying I didn't have the life I deserved because I did. Everything happened for a reason including the choices I made. It was just the combination of the movie, my brother, and my current loneliness.

I am happy for her. She seems to have a happy life. She still has that cheerful smile. I can hear her giggle. I think I will listen to Billy Joel for awhile in nostalgia.

Peace

dumbdavid

Messages from E.

I keep receiving messages. Like ghosts drifting from my past they arrive now with more frequency. I don't know how to handle it. I guess like so many years before I will wait and wait. She seems like the same person I remember. Her life is the same too. I guess I haven't changed a lot either looking at my reaction to all this. Feelings I thought were long dead suddenly stir like zombies resurrected. I wonder if I need a metaphorical bullet to the brain.

I wish I had someone to talk to about this. I know what Dad would say. I don't want to hear it. I am enjoying myself too much.

Peace

dumbdavid

10 Years later.

2011 is really turning out as a blast from the past. I heard from E. tonight. I can't believe it's been ten years. We had a nice chat via message. She seems well and happy. I am happy for her. My heart sure jumped when I saw her name in the message. I was able to apologize for which I am grateful. I didn't handle the break up well. Does anyone? Seeing her current picture is weird too.

Three women from my past reconnect with me in the last 9 months. I didn't seek them out. They found me. I date one, courted the second. Now the third contacts me. Talk about Deja Vu'.

So, I am losing my mind I guess.

Peace

dumbdavid

Rejection

There was always a slim hope but not any more. Rejection gets harder every time it happens. I am not sure how much more I can take. To open my heart after so long only to be hurt again is nearly unbearable. I guess I get what I deserve for climbing out of my bubble. It just felt real and great. More scar tissue will form over my heart. I am happy for her. She seems happy and that is great. Phyllis is a wonderful lady. I wish her the best. I am truly grateful for everything we shared.

Peace

dumbdavid

A published Poet!

It looks like I will be a published poet. I was close ten years ago but somehow that fell through. I received a letter Wednesday from the publishers of The Talking Stick that they have accepted my poem "Scars". The book should be released late August or early September. It will be available at www.jackpinewriters.com. My friends have been supportive in their congratulations. I haven't told my dad yet. I will but probably not explain which poem it was.

I also received bad news about Chuck my ex father in law. His cancer has returned and spread to his lymph nodes. He is in my prayers. Chuck was a great fishing and hunting partner. I will always cherish those memories.

Peace

dumbdavid

Insanity or life as I know it.

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and
expecting different results. "


That sums it up for today.

Peace

dumbdavid

Time waits for no one supposedly.

Long time no write. Ha Ha. I know why I stopped writing here. The walls have ears so to speak. I knew that. It's why I started writing here in the first place. I have recently been worried about what I might say here. I shouldn't because that part of my life is done. I must look forward. Waiting has not ever been easy for me. Now all I do is wait. A fools errand, I know. I have always been a fool though.

Peace

dumbdavid

Saturday Night

I have this thing about immediate gratification. I am not very good at delayed gratification. It probably explains part of my spending problems. I could blame my parents but that would be blame shifting. I accept my responsibility for my actions. I am just not patient as I would like or should be. Hmm. Do you check the clock?

Peace

dumbdavid

St. Patrick's Day/ back ache

Well, it is St. Patricks day and all the amateurs are out drinking. I don't remember actually any special celebrations on this day in my drinking past. I think my work schedule probably always interfered.

My back is out again. It gets really old just bending over to pick something up and it siezing up. It always takes at least a week to start getting better. I know I should lose some weight. I have started walking again.

Peace

dumbdavid

My sobriety birthday today 11 years now!

Well, I have 11years of sobriety now. Hard to believe it. There was a time I couldn't imagine life without alcohol. Now, I can't imagine life drinking again. I still get the urges. Especially when bad things happen, like break ups. I promised myself almost ten years ago I wouldn't drink because of a woman. I still won't.

I was wondering what I did wrong recently. I realized I was just being who I am. It was external to me, the other person. I guess that makes it easier to understand.

I can't decide if I want cake or ice cream to celebrate today. For those who still drink, please hoist a beer for me.

Peace

dumbdavid

Good day today.

Well, I submitted another short story today. I have three short stories and two poems submitted for publication currently. I hope one gets picked. It would be nice to get some official recognition. It wouldn't be about the prize money or anything but seeing something in real print would be great. I had one poem get published supposedly by the Poetry Motel but never received a copy of the journal so I don't know. I received a letter with publishing release from them then. It's a pretty small journal and I don't know if they are still in business. We'll see about the new stuff.

Peace

dumbdavid

31 Years ago today.

Scott, it's hard to believe that 31 years have passed since you died. It's a whole lifetime without you. Did you know the impact you would have on everyone's lives? It doesn't matter now. I miss you. I miss the fun we used to have. I wish I could talk to you now.

It is awfully quiet around here. Communications have gone down again. It comes and goes with no predictability. I hope everything is okay with Phyllis. I told her I was still thinking about her. I have tried not to say things like that. I don't want to stress her or put any pressure on her. I wish her happiness even though I know it probably means without me.

Talked with my daughter last night. She still has a nagging cough. It's everywhere. Lucky for me I am missing this round of colds it seems.

R.S.N. 10/27/60 to 2/21/1980. RIP Scott. I love you.

Peace

dumbdavid

Today's horoscope, oh the irony.

February 20, 2011


Virgo (8/23-9/22)

There are many metaphysical books on the market now that tout the validity of coincidence, or, more accurately, of the fact that there really is no such thing as a coincidence, only a series of symbolic events that we're occasionally smart enough to notice. When you notice just such a pattern occurring now, don't question your sanity. You're absolutely right. Once you notice, you'll have the answer to that pressing question you've been asking yourself.


Peace

dumbdavid

Sunday morning early

Well, I woke up early again. Caribou had Sumatra coffee as a choice. I really like it. A good friend started me on it. Now, it will always be linked to them for me. It's funny how inanimate objects take on additional meanings due to association to people in your life. Sumatra, Maui, Rotini pasta, and poetry now are forever linked. It's okay. Good memories.

Slow day today waiting for the storm of the century to arrive. I thought I would wake to a blizzard. There was only cold high winds. I am sure the snow will start anytime. Yuk. I can't wait for spring. At least the Twins pitchers and catchers reported for spring training. Yeah!!!! I have to go to a Twins game this year. I don't care if it's the crappiest seat in the house. I think I want to go to the porch over left field.

Well that's enough for an early Sunday.

Peace

dumbdavid

Interstate 94

Well, I am back after another successful run to the Dr. Office in Edina. Twice in one week. I am so good at driving down I-94 that I could do it in my sleep. Almost a two and half hour one way trip for a 10 minute Dr. visit. At least the infection on my arm is still receding. I can't wait to finish the antibiotics.

I was in bed in early again last night. Five hours of driving kind of wears me out. Back to the routine of Saturday visit to dad's. My daughter was busy baby sitting this weekend so it didn't work out for a visit.

Well, not much else going on. French roast coffee and a survey coupon this morning. Nice start to a gray day here. Very cold. More snow tonight and tomorrow.

Peace

dumbdavid

St. Cloud 1983

I have started working on a new story. I am combining a piece of memoir from 1983 and adding fictional parts to it. I have always wanted to write about this time in my life, freshman year in St. Cloud. I don't think I am dwelling on the past as much as taking some interesting events and expanding on them. They say the truth is more interesting than fiction sometimes. I think writers take real pieces of their lives and inject it into their writing. Zach Braff admits that during the interviews for the movie Garden State. He said he took many stories from his and his friends lives and merged them into the script for Garden State.


Speaking of movies, I watched Henry Poole is Here last night. Highly recommend it. I thought it was going to be a comedy since Luke Wilson was on the cover. I didn't even look at the back. I like his work. It was actually a serious drama with a few comedic moments. It's a story about faith and miracles. It's something I struggle with a lot. My faith. Well, it's a good movie.

Peace

dumbdavid

Sunny Sunday

Well, it's a sunny Sunday here. Drinking coffee killing time waiting to go get my haircut. My hair has gotten shaggy again. Local shop has a Sunday special so I will be there when they open. My roof started leaking into my main floor bathroom yesterday. I had to call my landlord. He actually showed up pretty fast and took off the snow and ice dam.

Going to stop at Menard's to look at book shelves. I need another short one for my living room.

Kind of fun to people watch at Caribou. B. the local cop brought in a new lab puppy to show the girls who work here. It was like a week old, golden colored. Too cute. I wish I had a dog, but I don't want to pay the deposit. I would have problems with my travel too. Someday. Definitely a lab I think.

Peace

dumbdavid

Poetry submissions

Well, I submitted two poems today to The Talking Stick. It is a Minnesota literary journal that publishes Poetry and short stories of Minnesota authors. I have submitted now one short creative non-fiction and two poems to the Talking Stick. The creative non-fiction is a story of a ski trip I went on with my brother. I am still going to submit one of my longer stories to Glimmer train.

It is hard to reach out with my writing. I fear the rejection which is a normal part of the writing process. I have always feared the rejection. It's part of life. It doesn't make it any easier though.

The sun has popped out here. It is supposed to be above freezing today. The first time I think since before Christmas. We are in for a stretch of a couple of days like this. Spring can't get here soon enough.


Peace

dumbdavid

Spring time melt

Let the melt begin. It is finally starting to warm here. Thank goodness. I can't wait for spring. Hoping to actually play some golf this year. I didn't play once last year. This elbow injury has taken forever to resolve. I just hope everything stays on track. I am nervous about going back to work. It won't be for sometime but there are no lightweight positions where I work. We'll see. I also don't know what my fellow employees will be like. I ran into one yesterday I have never like. He was cool like he always is.

My daughter has missed three days straight from school with bronchitis like illness. My ex only informed me last night after she went to the doctor after day two. It's frustrating being so far from my daughter. I wish I could just pack up and move sometimes. With my workers comp situation I am forced to stay and resolve it. If somehow I can't continue with my employer due to my injury I will seriously look for something much closer to my daughter. I think Mankato may be my best shot for employment. I wouldn't mind working two jobs if I could get the scheduling to work.

Peace

dumbdavid

Heat Wave

Well a heat wave is on the way finally. It's good. This below zero shit was getting on my nerves. I am struggling today a bit. I will just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I did submit one story for publication today. I don't know if it is good enough but we'll see.

Working on the therapy. Each day three times have to do exercises. My elbow is pretty sore by bedtime. It definitely has loosened some though. It was really stiff after surgery. Don't have much else to write today. Caribou is packed with loud old people today. I have my Ipod cranked to drown out their conversations. I guess I am just shallow not wanting to hear about their Bursitis.

Peace

dumbdavid

Gratitude by Melody Beattie

Great Value Cinnamon French toast sticks for breakfast, yummy. Sitting at Caribou per usual. I have discovered that bringing my own cup saves me .50 per visit. Duh! Well it helps now.

I started reading Gratitude: Inspirations by Melody Beattie. It is helpful. I made it half way through last night. I was asked to read it by my counselor. I have been working on changing my negative thinking to more positive reading. I highly recommend the book. There was a important part that really fit with me on page 38 about personal responsibility. I won't quote it but it made sense to me. I hope lots of people read this book. I got it at the library but it is only $10 new.

It was another beautiful sunrise. I am grateful for beautiful sunrises to start the day. I am grateful for cheerful coffee shop employees and Mahogany coffee. I am grateful for Physical Therapy to help towards a successful recovery. I am grateful for many things and people in my life.

Peace

dumbdavid

Same as it ever was.......

Well, I guess I am alone again. I love Phyllis but she needs some time. It's okay. I want her to be happy most of all. We hopefully will remain friends. I hope that others will give her the space she needs too. She is a wonderful woman. I am sorry if I caused her stress. Well, as David Byrne said, "Same as it ever was..". I will be fine. I will keep writing and visiting my daughter when I can. Thank you Phyllis for being my friend. It does mean a lot to me.

Peace

dumbdavid

Physical torture, err therapy

Well, I start PT again today post surgery. I am not looking forward to this. At least not physically. I know it will be tough and painful. I know it is necessary to the healing process. I will do the best I can. I need to get back to work eventually.

It was a beautiful sunrise this morning. I always appreciate them. They are so beautiful as the sky changes colors as the sun rises. A low cloud bank was moving in from the northwest and the colors were bouncing off the clouds. I can't wait for spring. I have had enough of the snow. Speaking of which I heard Sunday we may get more accumulation.

I hope I can golf by late summer. My golf clubs sit like orphans upstairs. We'll see. I watched Social Network last night, the story of Facebook. I liked it. The lead actor is Jesse Eisenberg, also with Justin Timberlake, directed by David Fincher. I like Fincher's directing. He has interesting visuals and cinematography. If you use Facebook you would probably enjoy the movie. I was surprised that Timberlake can actually act a little. I haven't seen him much but I heard Alpha Dog was good.

That is all for today Friday.

Peace

dumbdavid

Security

I am a Chatty Cathy. I like to talk. I say everything I feel and I like it. I know one person who also likes this. I had to change my security settings to protect my privacy. I caused some undue harm and feel bad because of this. I am sorry I caused this pain and stress. Things will be better now. I believe in the more positivity now than I used too. My counselor says negativity is easy. Being positive is work but it's rewarding. I have my gratitude journal and letters of thank you to write. It's funny I used to guard nuclear weapons. I should know about the violation of OPSEC[operational security]. In world war II they said loose lips sink ships, it's true sort of. Hoping that doesn't happen.

Peace

dumbdavid

Sadness or Gratitude

For my 100 post I have chosen to write about sadness vs. gratitude. I am sad today after leaving from my place of convalescence after surgery. I will miss Phyllis greatly until I see her again. I am grateful for the time we shared and how she took care of me during this difficult time. She is wonderful and deserves massive kudos for putting up with me.

In the old days I would have focused on the negativity or sadness of our situation. Today, I know we will reunite in a short time. I look forward to it with gratitude and thankfulness. I know I am truly blessed with this relationship. Phyllis will always be a part of my life. I am truly better for having known her. I have learned about myself and the fact that I am capable of being loved this late in life. I had doubts before. The world is sunny today and my soul is warmed by her spirit. Thank you Phyllis for everything. We will be back together soon.

To all others, I hope you do not lose hope in life. It can surprise you when you least expect it.

Peace

dumbdavid

French Silk Pie

French Silk Pie is the best. Very rich tasting. It's made totally of sinful things and lots of calories. Killing time presently. I have killed a lot of time the last few months. It will be strange to go back to work, any work. I ran into a co-worker before I left on this surgery trip. It was strange talking to her. She sounded shocked I was still an employee. It's weird not knowing where I will end up job wise. Will my rehab be successful enough to return to my employer? Who knows. I don't particularly trust my employer at this point after what I have been put through. It sucks after five years of dirty hard work.

I can't believe I am going home tomorrow. I am sad. It has been eventual time here. My feelings are stronger than ever. I can't wait for the future chapters to unfold for us. Phyllis I love you! I wish I could tell the whole world. We're not perfect. Nobody is. We'll see what the future holds. This didn't just randomly happen. I could not ask for more.

Peace
dumbdavid

What me worry?

Always loved Mad Magazine growing up.

I worry, a lot. I internalize a lot of my feelings. Especially feelings that are stressful. I am use to hiding stuff from my dad so he doesn't worry. I think it may appear that I am carefree regarding my work situation. It is scary thinking about not returning to work because of my elbow. I will probably have to move. Yet I can't lift anything for quite some time. Movers are expensive, deposit and first months rent are expensive. Moving in with my dad would ruin the relationship I have worked so hard to nurture the last five years. I would end up resenting his negativity. It would create a overly stressful situation where I might want to drink. That is not an option for me.

I worry about this beautiful new person in my life. I worry the garbage of my past life will ruin things. I try to grow and put stuff behind me. I can't deny my alcoholism, I won't. It's part of me forever. I can't seem to shake the financial instability. Divorce is hard. When my decree was signed I was immediately 3 thousand dollars behind on child support. It took me a long time to catch up. I have been current for several years. I am not rich. I will probably not ever going to be rich. I accept my situation and I do worry about it. Probably too much.

peace

dumbdavid

Candlelight

Let's hope I never have to identify with the Staind song, "It's been awhile." Except there are the lines,

And it's been awhile since I've seen the way the candles light your face
And it's been awhile but I can still remember just the way you taste


Candlelight illuminates peoples faces and their souls. It allows for a shared intimacy I didn't know existed. I never thought I could feel that close to someone, to actually share their tears. To have the tears transfer onto my cheeks. I felt a closeness that I had no idea existed. I sit in awe this morning of the glory I have experienced last night. Feeling blessed just doesn't seem strong enough. I hope to remain worthy for the years to come of this trust. It would be like hurting myself if I screwed up.

Candlelight. Lighting the moments of our souls.

Peace

dumbdavid

I miss my Mom

9 hour countdown. I hate the waiting. The prize is worth it though. It's Christmas Eve and I want to open all my presents. It's a wonderful feeling.

I had a strange experience yesterday. Someone wanted to use one of my poems to help their client. The details aren't important here but the fact she thought so highly of my poem really touched me. I guess I never had any aspirations as a poet. I just wrote for me. It is so rewarding when people identify with my poems. Now, I am writing short stories. I have one fan. She says she loves my stories.

I miss my Mom. She was such an avid reader. I think she would really enjoy reading my stories. I think she would have been a good editor for me too. I will dedicate my first novel to her if I ever get that far. Novels scare me. It is so much more involved technically and emotionally. I won't write pulp. I think action novels are fun entertainment, but not what I think is my strong suit. I like the deep emotional connection between characters and conflict. I guess I am a sap too because I like when dramatic movies have a romantic angle too.

Too my biggest fan, my faraway friend. You know who you are. I love you. You are my muse! I love writing and writing to you is such a bonus. Keep reading please.

Peace

dumbdavid

Sunrises and Sunsets

There is nothing like sharing a sunrise or sunset with the one you love. It is a special gift just between the two of you. I have someone now who appreciates the sunrises and sunsets like me. It's incredible. Life is amazing that you have to wait until your in your mid 40's to really appreciate things. I guess I wasn't ready yet for this happiness. It is totally worth the waiting now. Even apart, it stills feels so good right now. 34 hours now. I can't wait. 11 glorious nights together. Life is good now.

Peace

dumbdavid

Negativity no more....

Happiness is communicating with the one you love. It's funny I started this blog so long ago filled with negativity. Now I feel hope and love. I hope it lasts. This change in my life is wonderful. It's hard to believe it's really happening. I am blessed now.

Touch. I was a starving man in the desert before. Now, I am a glutton waiting for every morsel to savor. I know why babies need touch. I just didn't realize as a grown man how much I had been missing until now. I feel like a heroin junkie waiting for my next fix. It's wonderful.

Can't wait for Thursday. Tick Tock. Every second of every minute of every hour drags on. Maui on my mind. Walking the beach with that special person. It will be heaven.

Peace

dumbdavid

Three little words

It amazes me what three words can do. It is so hard to say them and yet they carry so much weight. Hearing them back is like the sun shining after a horrible thunderstorm. I am blessed that I went ahead and took the leap. It was worth the risk to my soul. Life is about risks versus hiding in a shell. I am living now and not riding the bus like that old asshole. Enough of him. I will live my life and be in love.

Here is a tribute. I could not ask for more...





Peace

dumbdavid

Together

Together! I love the sound of that. Even though miles can separate two people. You are still together. The connection between two people that bridges the distance and time apart. I love the Yin/Yang symbol. It fits so perfectly now in my life. I have found the Yin to my Yang. A perfect symmetry exists between us. We fit each other like a key and lock.

It's an amazing feeling of completeness. There is a balance between us. We have a teeter totter balance. Up and down we level the other person when they are stressed and they return it when I am stressed. I couldn't imagine this. I think I finally know how my parents made it 43 years together. I never had an appreciation before.

Thank you. You wonderful, beautiful person who balances me.

Peace

dumbdavid

Maui

The chance to go to Hawaii has come up in the future. I thought I would never have a chance to see those wonderful sunsets again. I was a teenager back when I was last there. You can't appreciate the beauty of a sunset like those in Hawaii until you have lived some of life's hard lessons.

I thought I would never have a chance at love again in my life but it appears that yes I do get one more chance. God, I worry that I will say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing and this person will go away. I have to let go like the Serenity Prayer says. I can't control everything. I just have to be myself and let happen what will happen. I am just so grateful now. It's wonderful to be in this part of my life after so much has happened. I really appreciate the goodness of this moment. I want to savor every morsel I have in this relationship.

Maui and the one you love. Could anything be more perfect. I can't thing of it.

Peace

dumbdavid

Facebook

I would have never believe Facebook would change my life, but it did. It's a wonderful thing. I have heard that this isn't a unique experience but it feels that way to me. Writing a new story I needed a love song from WWII. I blindly found the song by Glenn Miller "Always in my heart" it fit my story and my life at the same time. Who would have known a song that is sixty plus years old could do that. Sure the music is dated but the sentiment isn't. Here it is.

Glenn Miller Always in my Heart:

You are always in my heart
Even though you’re far away
I can hear the music of
The song of love
I sang with you
You are always in my heart
And when skies above are grey
I remember that you care
And then and there
The sun breaks through

Just before I go to sleep
There’s a rendezvous I keep
And a dream I always meet
Helps me forget we’re far apart
I don’t know exactly when, dear,
But I’m sure we’ll meet again, dear,
And my darling, till we do
You are always in my heart!

W. you are always in my heart!

I could not ask for more by Edwin McCain

Has there ever been a more perfect song for two people.

Lying here with you
Listening to the rain
Smiling just to see the smile upon your face
These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments I'll remember all my life
I found all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more
Looking in your eyes
Seeing all I need
Everything you are is everything to me
These are the moments
I know heaven must exist
These are the moments I know all I need is this
I have all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more
Chorus
I could not ask for more than this time together
I could not ask for more than this time with you
Every prayer has been answered
Every dream I have's come true
And right here in this moment is right where I'm meant to be
Here with you here with me

These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments I'll remember all my life
I've got all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more

Chorus

I could not ask for more than the love you give me 'Coz it's all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more
I could not ask for more


It's simply perfect and I could not ask for more. To my faraway friend.

Peace

dumbdavid

Southern Cross

I like traveling. I like to take road trips. I like discovering new things. Zoos, Boats, Mansions, Duluth and camping. These are things I am looking forward to this year. Each day is getting better. Little by little the outlook has changed. The ship has turned to a new compass heading. The wind is at my back and the sails are filling. I love the Crosby, Stills, and Nash song Southern Cross. It's a sad song but the imagery of sailing the south pacific.

Got out of town on a boat
Goin' to Southern islands.
Sailing a reach
Before a followin' sea.
She was makin' for the trades
On the outside,
And the downhill run
To Papeete.
Off the wind on this heading
Lie the Marquesas.
We got eighty feet of the waterline.
Nicely making way.

Does it get any better than that. I want to sail around the world. I and I know who with.

Peace

dumbdavid

Writing

I have started writing a Grateful journal. This was a homework assignment. I am to include positives and negatives in my life with a positive spin. Example on the negative, I hate icy roads, but I am grateful for it because I must focus more on my driving. I sometimes don't pay attention enough. Music! I don't talk on my cell phone except for calls from my dad. Those are very short though because he agrees with me about not talking and driving.

I am so grateful for some of the changes in my life recently. 2011 has started out on such a positive note. I am still writing. I started my new short story today. It took me a while to think of how I could structure it. I also had to do some research for back story. I am excited to show it to my friend. Coffee was excellent this morning. I had French Roast while I wrote.

I am going to my daughters Dr. appointment Monday. She has a knee surgery. Her little boyfriend wants to come along. I told her I was going to intimidate him. She was like, "Nooooooo". I laughed so hard. I'll be nice. The sun is shining outside today and in my heart. Very little negativity today.

Peace

dumbdavid

Haley's Comet

I have been busy the last few days. I had a great visit with my daughter after Christmas. Things seem to be turning around for me. I can't specify currently. The solar system is simply mind blowing sometimes. I especially like Haley's Comet. It is the only naked eye comet that can be seen twice in the lifetime of most human beings. Is that incredible or what. There are no coincidences. Everything happens for a reason. Timing is crucial.

Peace

dumbdavid