Say the tough words that hurt.....

Have you ever had to tell someone that you love someone else. I was watching Grey's Anatomy again tonight. A main character has to tell his wife he is in love with someone else even though he had chosen to stay with his wife. My wife found out I had an affair. She asked if the letter she read was true. I had to tell her yes it was all true. I was in love with another woman. It was wrong. I had no right to hurt my wife this way. I understood the difficulty the character had admitting his feelings. He hadn't set out to betray wife, it happened. I was complicit in the affair so I have way to deny my part in it. Somethings can't be undone, no matter how much people are hurt.

peace

dumbdavid

Love, what is it good for?

I am struggling with relationships and love right now. It is not because I am alone. I watch movies and see idealistic couples in love. I have also witnessed couples in real life. What is love? How can one define such an esoteric idea. What is real love and where does it exist? When does infatuation end and love take over? I have loved several women. I was married for eight years even though we were together only seven of them. I think I can say I have been love three times.

How do we fall in and out of love? Do other animals experience love? Love dates back many years in literature. Shakespeare and other famous authors write about it. Romeo and Juliet are classic examples of love found and lost. Life, is it worth living if the one you love is gone? My Dad is suffering because the loss of his wife of 45 years. He talks of dating someone but I don't know if he will take that step.

It is funny how different my Dad and I are. I don't think he dated any other women as an adult besides my mother. I dated about five women before marriage and one after my divorce. Where am I going? I don't know. I have loved and lost. They say it is better to love and lost than not to love at all.

Somedays, I actually believe it.

peace

dumbdavid

Big Fish

I just finished watching Big Fish. It is the story of an estranged father/son. I have seen it before. I forgot about how it ends with the father dying. It was upsetting to me. It was hard enough losing my mom this year. I don't know how I will cope with his death someday.

I told my daughter tonight that I won't see her until after christmas. I was honest with her saying I didn't want Grandpa to be alone this Christmas. She took it well. I'll go and see her the first weekend in January even if I have to take a bus.

peace

dumbdavid

New Digs

Well, I actually had to switch rooms where I live. I rent a studio apartment and the one I was in had crumbling tiles in the bathroom. I upgraded to a larger one that is in a one level building that also holds the office. I don't have any upstairs neighbors anymore. It is very quiet, thank god. I was going crazy with my neighbors is the old place.

Somebody called my father and asked to speak to my mom. She has only been dead eight months. Fucking bill collectors, I know some collections company is after an old medical bill. We had people calling for a long time after my brother died too. It was really hard on my parents then. I could tell it had upset my father. I can't imagine taking the calls myself.

I was thinking of going down to see my daughter right before Christmas since her birthday is then too. I have decided to wait until after Christmas. I think it is more important to be with my father. I don't think he should sit alone on Christmas day since it's the first one since Mom died.

Something odd happened when I called my daughter tonight. My ex answered the phone and spoke shortly with me. She is remarried and has an almost two year old with new husband. L. [the child] must of been close to my ex when she answered my call. Ex asked if I would mind talking to L. since she wanted to talk on the phone. I said no and said hello to L. She didn't actually speak but it was odd. It made me think about if I had stayed with ex how many more children I might have. L. is fun to see grow because I miss that time when my daughter was younger. She is great now too. We get to have great conversations now. I don't like having to explain the hard parts of life to her but I realize it is necessary.

I am tired and must go back to work tomorrow after two days off. Moving yesterday wore me out.

peace

dumbdavid