Cliff

My friend Cliff died yesterday at 10:35am. He pulled out across an intersection from a stop sign into the path of an oncoming Super Duty Ford 1 ton pickup. He was killed instantly. He was a quarter mile from home and from my Dad's place. Cliff was 75 years old. He was really my Dad's friend but like a dutch uncle to me. He gave me some wonderful advice after I found sobriety. I was arguing with my parents who didn't believe I was an alcoholic. Stressed out I asked Cliff, who is sober, what to do. He told me to take care of myself. He said I couldn't control their thoughts and actions only mine. He was so right and funny very much a twelve step idea. I have to let go of other peoples thoughts, actions, behaviors and resentments. I was able to move on and let go of their irrational ideas. Eventually it became a non topic, among others, with them. Cliff was a good man. He had a large family. His sons were very close to me in age. I feel so bad for them. I now fear my fathers death even more. I thought Cliff would be there to help me through it. Now, I have to hope my new girlfriend doesn't get sick of me. I can't imagine going through another loss alone. Last night as I cried she held me and told me it was okay as I apologized for my weakness. I then apologized again for apologizing. I know it's okay to cry. It's part of the ordinary grief process. But us tough guys don't cry I say. Huh? So I talked and cried into my girlfriends arms. I can't write anymore out of exhaustion. I will miss you Cliff.

Peace

dumbdavid

Landslide

Well, officially we are a couple. The letter I gave R. this morning caused a landslide of emotions. I see it in her eyes. She wants to say it. R. is overwhelmed with everything. I am too. I thought I could move slowly. Her tears this morning brought tears to me. Emotion is swelling up within me. I fight the urge to move forward. To be open and experience what is in front of me. The way R. looks at me. The love is in her eyes even if she can't say it. She holds me and I feel great. Now, she is gone on her trip to her parents. I miss her so much. These last two days were even better than the ones before. We sat as a family eating dinner. Her daughter is great. Our two roads have merged into one. I can't deny my feelings. And yet the fear is still present. I think R. has the same thing. Fear. I have been hurt so much. This keeps getting better. I know I have had similar experiences before. I wish I could say that this time it will last. I guess that's the real thing. You don't know. You have to have faith. Trust. Love is not a timid emotion. I don't want to be the first to say it. We keep hinting at it. Love is sprinkled in other sentences. "I love your...." Like little tests. A toe in the water. I am so glad I gave R. the letter this morning instead of letting her read it alone. We will be as one. One thousand kisses gave way to a new future.

Peace

dumbdavid

Hurts so good.

Thanks JCM. I am tired and sore. I think it's official. We are a couple. I am looking forward to after work tomorrow morning. I am really tired tonight. R. woke me with a text tonight. What a nice way to wake up. I teased her a little but I was very happy to hear the tone from my phone. This has been an amazing weekend. There was only one small snag with mr. happy. Or as he is know known, mr. I don't show it up when needed. Well, we have to the technology, ie. chemistry to fix that. R. is right about one thing. How do we sit on break without acknowledging what has happened between us. I told her I supported what she wanted regarding work and our relationship. The company is just like a high school. People talk to much. I have been guilty too. I just don't want R. to face any unwanted Just found Jerry Macguire on cable. The speech is coming soon. How about the night was nearly complete because he couldn't share it with Renee. I immediately think about R. I told her this morning in bed, "you were hiding in plain sight." We have take so so long to get here in our life. We just weren't ready to be together. Her road sounds like it was rough like mine. I cried in front of her this morning unexpectedly. I was talking about one of the last conversations I had with mom. I just choked up and couldn't go on for a second. The look of compassion and empathy in her eyes meant so much to me. I have one big concern. It's all about me. I haven't been able to talk about my drinking. Last night she was drinking a beer when I got to her house. Some new fancy Budweiser. I wanted one so bad. I drank my dew instead. I am terrified about what happens when I tell her. Will she accept me then. I think so but don't know. The speech is on. The night wasn't complete because he couldn't share it with her. "You complete me." I guess that says it all.

Peace

dumbdavid

Waiting to exhale

Well, I am waiting and hoping she texts tonight. I think she will. We have exchanged texts today. I found her jewelery that she forgot here. I wonder if it was accidental or on purpose. I think it was accidental. I told my friend C. about last night. She was very happy for me. She did tell me she drank last night. I felt bad for her. She complains about it but isn't quite ready to stop. I wish I could do something to help her but there is nothing I can do. Back to R. My lips hurt. For real! It must have been about a thousand kisses last night. They seemed so soft last night. I am so tired. So where do we go from here. I am writing because I don't know. It's exciting because I know nothing about her. I get to discover each new thing about her and her me. I am deeply worried about one thing. Last night the subject of alcohol didn't come up. She didn't drink during supper. Also, her ex husband is a wicked drunk. He hasn't had a DL for 20 years because of DWI's. Thankfully it didn't come up. I feel like I am lying by not sharing my alcoholism with her. Part of me wants her to know up front. Before it gets so serious that either one of us gets hurt. I guess I will wait. It's not like I am drinking. It will come up eventually. I hope she will understand. So last night we laid together. All night. Just holding each other, kissing and stuff. We drifted off to sleep then woke up in each others arms to start again. Her breathing and sounds really are animated. Quite thrilling to experience her reactions to my touch. I can hardly wait to be alone with her again. I wish we didn't have to go back to work tomorrow night. This summer will be tough. She will be busy. I will have to be patient. Inquiring minds want to know. When to make the facebook relationship status change. Standing by.

Peace

dumbdavid

The morning after

It's the morning after and I am feeling fine. I have barely slept but it's a good exhaustion and pain. I had a date last night with R. I didn't know what to expect except that I could tell she was a nice person. Dinner was okay, food and service was good but the atmosphere lacked. We came back to my house and tried to watch a movie Silver Lining Playbook. We didn't finish. I reached up and touched her hair. I could tell she liked that. Then we kissed. So soft, were her lips. Well we didn't finish the movie. I just returned from dropping her off this morning. R. has to drive to the cities today to help her mom set up for next week garage sale. She said she would text me when she gets back so maybe I can see her tonight. I can see this going for long time. We like so many things[zombies]. She is very sensitive in many ways. We connected so easily last night. I sent her a text this morning so she would have my phone number, "missing you already." Her reaction was priceless. It really touched her and she saved it in her phone. Now the problem for me is too fast, too soon. We'll see. I just react, improvise, adapt, and overcome. Now, counting down until I see her and hold her in my arms again. Feel her lips against mine. I didn't think this would happen.

Peace

dumbdavid