Less Than Zero

I just watched Less Than Zero. I know my blog seems to revolve around my reactions to movies. It is sometimes the only way I access/understand what's going on inside this thick skull.

Robert Downey Jr. plays Julian, a crack addicted twenty year old in the late 80's L.A. scene. He ends up dying of an overdose. Downey is just amazing in is ability to translate the devastation of drugs. He also channeled backed a lot of memories of my brother back.

I can keep the feelings and pain buried for so long and then it pokes it head out again. It's been twenty eight years now. The pain exploded through tonight like it was yesterday. I feel sick to my stomach and I want to curl up. I want to get drunk too. That's the weirdest part of it.

I'd give anything to see my brother again. I would like to kick his ass for all the pain he gave my parents and me. I wish I could hug him because I never did. Watching someone kill themselve's with drugs, I can't explain it.

Anyways. Scott I miss you, and I love you.

peace

dumb david

I am so tired.....

It's Sunday night and I am so tired. I just finished reading some of my older posts on my previous blog. They were from right before my Mom died. I am definitely sliding backwards again. I went and looked at a truck today. It is only 600.00 dollars. I don't have that much. I will spend almost 300 again to visit my daughter this coming weekend. It is so humiliating driving my piece of shit van around. I can't write much tonight. I am so tired, I wish I could sleep for a year....

peace

dumbdavid

Tully and or thoughts about my Dad

I got scared twice.

Yesterday, at work, I was doing a job I don't like very much. I was tired and thirsty and I thought, "God, a beer would taste great." It was such a strong thought. It came like a lightning out of the sky. I don't think about drinking very much. It's usually is in only an observation of other people talking about their drinking. I never think about drinking myself. Eight years of sobriety kind of puts you at ease. Whoa!

I just watched the movie Tully. I found the DVD at a garage sale for two bucks. I had wanted to see it for sometime. I am a fan of Law and Order CI. Julianne Nicholson use to be on it and she is in Tully. It's a story about family secrets, surprise. The father dies in the end of the movie. It's a suicide that made to look like a farm accident so the grown boys won't lose the farm.

The older son finds his father dead. I wasn't ready for his reaction and mine. My father is 68 and not in great health. I have been trying to prepare myself for what's certain to happen. I did the same when I knew my Mom was dying. I was overcome with sadness. I am afraid of his dying. I will be all alone then. It feels like I have failed as a son too. I don't know. I am rambling because I am upset and I wanted this down on paper, so to speak.

I grew up in a family of Secrets. I am going to be honest with my daughter no matter what. I have already talked to her about alcohol and my alcoholism. I don't think she understands yet but it's okay. I will keep talking to her in a positive way. I think this Memorial Day I will take her to my brothers grave to talk to her about drugs.

Dad, I am sorry I can never say the things I should. I am sorry I haven't always been there. I am sorry I have let you down. I can see in your eyes your disappointment. I am sorry you worry so much about me. I love you.

peace

dumbdavid