Beliefs, Believe?

Beliefs, Believe?

How can I explain what I don't understand, except that I do believe.  I don't understand, yet respect your beliefs, or non beliefs.  I don't believe in organized religion any more.  I have seen too much corruption by man in the name of God, Allah, false idols, liars, and thieves.  I just believe in God, a higher power.  Maybe I am diluted to think there is some Omnipresent being.  I have seen things that break most men's beliefs by the horrors that happen in this world.  The pain and suffering of mankind is mind boggling.  The random acts of tragedy that still happen every single day.  How can there be meaning to this.

I count certain things I find as acts of God.  I have no other explanations.  The birth of my child, Love in its many forms, and my sobriety.  Certainly biology could explain birth, but not the birth of my child.  The fact that I reproduced, especially after my life experience, then marry my ex, stacked the cards against this event happening.  But it did happen, I witnessed this wonderful event.  Love, I have experienced far more than I probably deserved.  I am now remarried to a woman who loves me.  I can't explain it but it is real, right now.

Sobriety, I have fifteen almost sixteen years now of sobriety.  I would never have believed this when I entered that first AA meeting.  I didn't sober up alone, by my own power.  It took a higher power, sending me Angels in the form of other drunks, to help me get sober.  Still I am fighting the battle of addiction and disbelief.  I guess all that matters is that I believe.  I can't control anyone else thoughts or actions.  

Do you believe?  Does it matter?

Peace

dumbdavid

Graduation

She is graduating in just over a month.  My little girl has grown up and slipped away from me.  She is angry with me and resentful of my new marriage.  She throws it in my face all the time now.  She only calls me for money.  I have spoiled her and now I am paying the price.  I should of given her more time than the things money buys.  I had a Catch-22 decision ten years ago with two bad choices. I know if I had stayed down there my Dad would be dead now.  I would be close with my daughter like I used to be.  I know I have increase the quality of life for my father though.  My daughter is young and hopefully one day understand.  He is old and dying.  His gratitude means a lot to me even with all the nagging.

Life is not perfect.  I love my wife and family but nothing is perfect.  Work sucks and there is never enough money for what we need.  Now I have the added stress of R. drinking.  When we met she didn't seem to drink too much.  Only on visits to her parents did I notice how much she drank.  It also was the first time it became stressful.  We have had several discussions and on big argument about it.  I don't know what to do.  I can't change her thinking or actions only mine.  So, I try and contain my thoughts.  It just sucks when she climbs in bed smelling of rum.  I passed 15 years of sobriety in March.  She says I am just labeling myself.  It was almost like the original argument I had with my parents.  I know it's about her and not me.  I ran down the reasons I believe I am a drunk.  She was still dismissive and acted like AA brainwashed me.

AA saved me.  No one can ever take that away from me.  Now, I find myself thinking about drinking again.  Like, I will show her by proving what a drunk I am.  Then I snap back to reality.  I think about E and T.  I don't want E to ever see me drunk.  She already deals with that in her biological father.  T. probably has no memories of me drinking.  I told her I had passed 15 years of sobriety.  She made a bitchy remark about she was surprised consider our house.  Yes R. and her adult kids drink.  It wasn't a fair comment.  It's one of many incidences of T's mother influencing her.

I am hoping when T. gets to college she will get some clarity.  Her mom has poisoned her too long.

One month of child support left, then college.

Peace

dumbdavid

Ambulance rides Part Deux!

I am not ready for this.  I knew this day would come.  Dad's health would eventually deteriorate but getting his call 10pm Saturday was overwhelming.  He had called 911 for an ambulance for chest (pains my description) pressure.  I was doubly shocked.  One that he was having heart problems, and too he actually called an ambulance instead of waiting until it was too late.  He had an Aortic stint put in in November 09.  He chain smokes two pack a day(his admission.)  He lied to the doctor and said he only had two drinks each day(very big two).

R. and I raced down and met him at the hospital.  It took forever to get in and see him.  That scared me a lot because there was no update on his status.  When we got in he looked terrible.  The PA had given him two Nitros, one pill and one nasal.  That had helped with the pressure.  Blood work came back negative but they kept him over night.  He will have to follow up with a stress test and a Angiogram.  

I drove down Saturday night as R. had drunk a Long Island Ice tea. I was having a hard time keeping it together.  That was until I remember "The Switch".  The long unused switch to turn off emotions useful during those stressful police calls.  I flipped it and made it through the rest of the night okay.  It has consequences for doing so though.  It's like slow motion.  Eventually every speeds back up and catches up with you.  Sunday going to pick him up from the hospital it did as I was driving again.

I knew these days were coming.  It just sucks.  I don't want him to die.  I don't want to suffer a slow agonizing death like Mom.  Unfortunately I won't get a choice in it.  He won't change his lifestyle until its too late.

Here is a shout out to the Villard Fire Department first responders for the fast response.  Thank you.

peace

dumbdavid

Christmas 2014

Well, with no surprise, my Dad cancelled coming to Christmas dinner.  He would rather sit home alone with a Marie Calenders dinner than come spend it with me and my new family.  I won't go into the possible reasons.  I can think of several that would explain it.  R. says I can't change his mind.  It's true I can't.  I try to empathize with his position.  I have spent too many Christmas' alone.  My new family jokes about me and the Chinese restaurant on Christmas.  It's funny but it hurts too.  It's part of my past I'm not especially proud of.  It just makes me grateful to be sitting here today.

It's been almost ten years since I moved to this town.  I stayed because of Dad when all things said I should move back closer to my daughter.  She turned 18 yesterday and is beautiful.  I have missed over the last nine years with her.  I see her probably a half dozen times a year now.  It's truly pathetic how bad I have become about visiting her.  It's the combination of money and time and exhaustion from a 8 hour round trip.  It's a minimum of $200 to go also.  No excuse though I should have been there.  I stayed here out of loyalty to an old man who knows how much time he has left.  He complains about everything and it has rubbed off on me.  I know I complain too much.  My wonderful wife has commented on it so I try to self check.

My daughter got her first tattoo yesterday.  I wish she hadn't.  I have two tattoos.  Hers is pretty I just don't want to hear Grandpa bitch about it.  I guess parents are suppose to tell you how to live your life.  It's part of the bonus of being a parent(really?)   I wrote my daughter a touching letter for her 18th birthday.  I told her how proud I was of her and how I would support her.  I told her to live her life the way she wants to.  Don't try to be someone that pleases all around her.  I told her to live her life that makes her happy and I would support her.  In the end that's most important, that she is happy.  If I lay a bunch of guilt or complaints on her what's gained by it?

Just the leather belt, I am trying to change the past and make a better future for my child.

Peace

dumbdavid

The Talk

So I will probably have to talk to my Dad regarding J. tomorrow.  I am worried about how it will go.  I for see only bad outcomes.  Dad's negativity sometimes is a pain in the ass.  Tomorrow it will be a a serious obstacle.  I wish I didn't have to do this but he has pushed the issue forward.  How do you make someone understand something which they have so much irrational fear towards.  He's an old man from a different generation.  I wish Mom was here to help.  I think she might understand but I don't know.  She's been gone for nine years now so it's hard to remember how her feelings on the subject would be.  I have some inkling but nothing definitive.

I am afraid Dad will keep bringing this subject up in the future.  That it will be an ongoing thorn in his side.  It would be just like him to expend an excess amount of worry over something that really has nothing to do with him.  I have run the conversation through my head several times now.  I can anticipate his questions/ comments.  It's so stressful for me.  I feel so bad for J. that I have caused more stress for him.  I guess will have to recite the Serenity prayer a bunch of times.  I can only control my thoughts and actions, no one else's.


peace

dumbdavid

Wedding Day/ Losing Mike D. to tragedy

Well, it's my wedding day.  It has been a hectic couple of prep days at the cabin.  Unfortunately yesterday talking to a neighbor of mine, he passed on sad news.  One of my childhood friends and groomsmen from my first wedding, Mike Dalsin, died tragically March 31st in a construction accident.  He was a roofing estimator for his family business.  He had worked the roofs of large commercial buildings for over 30 years.  He was up on the 31st of March estimating a roof when he stepped on a weak spot.  He fell through to his death many feet below.  I felt the air escape me yesterday and my stomach fall away on hearing of his death.  I had lost touch with Mike after my divorce.  I blamed him because of his religious and personal views seemed uneasy with my life choices.  I look back now in regret of losing one of my closest friends due to a women I barely know anymore.  I am sorry Mike.  I am sorry I wasn't a better friend.  I will miss you dearly for the rest of my life.  You were with me when my brother died in 1980 and it bonded us forever.  Thank you for your friendship and generosity over the years.  Rest easy brother.

Now,  a little over eight hours from now I will be getting married to a wonderful, beautiful, smart, funny and deeply caring woman.  She is the anti of my first wife.  Everything leading up to today has been a stark contrast to my first wedding.  I am not nervous or stressed about today or the future.  It is just hard to believe that it's happening after what I endured for so long.  After losing Mike, I worry about what would happen if I lost my bride to be, R.  I wanted to get drunk last night and make the pain stop.  I didn't drink even though I watched R. family drink it up.

Here are the lyrics to "No Day But Today" from the musical Rent.  It's so appropriate.

The heart may freeze or it can burn
The pain will ease if I can learn

There is no future
There is no past
Thank God this moment's not the last

There's only us
There's only this
Forget regret-- or life is yours to miss.
No other road
No other way
No day but today

There's only yes
Only tonight
We must let go
To know what is right
No other course
No other way
No day but today

I can't control
My destiny
I trust my soul
My only hope
is just to be

There's only now
There's only here
Give in to love
Or live in fear
No other path
No other way
No day but today

I open my heart once again to my greatest fear, abandonment.  I believe I have attachment disorder though I have never been formally diagnosed.   The loss of my brother at such a young age forever scarred me.  I have grown stronger and healed greatly but will always have that scar on my heart.  I know my relationships have suffered over the years because of this.  Unconsciously I would sabotage or leave relationships before they could leave me, except in a couple relationships where women left me.  So today I fling caution to the wind.  I say yes to love and a future of happiness.  She is standing beside me as an equal partner.  We are both survivors and it bonds us uniquely.  Our broken/abused hearts find love and solace in each others arms.  So I will say yes today.

No day but today!


Peace

dumbdavid   

T-minus seven days aka "Dead man walking"

It's seven days counting down until my wedding to R.  It's pretty amazing considering where I was a year and a half ago.  I would have never believed anyone if they said this day would come.  We are having an outside wedding at the cabin.  There will be canopies, tables and chairs set up, even a port a potty.  I just hope the weather cooperates.  I haven't found an alternate site for bad weather.  My ex has reared her ugly head demanding I return my daughter the day after the wedding.  I had agreed not thinking about the cleanup afterwords at the cabin.   Last night R. got really upset that my ex was trying to control things in our wedding.  She was really pissed.  I explained this is what I have dealt with since 1991.  I can't wait for a year from now when I am done with my ex.  Won't have to deal with her anymore.  I think all the details have been worked out.  R. and I make an excellent couple.  Her artistic side and my list making OCD have brought all things together.  It is such a change from the last time I got married.  I am nervously excited but not stressed like before.  I have written a new poem I will read at the wedding.  I can't post it yet but will try to after.  I must drive almost ten hours today to pick up my daughter for the wedding week.  It will be tiring but good having her involved.  Well got to get ready for the drive.

Peace

dumbdavid

p.s. here is our theme.


  Brighter than sunshine by Aqualung

Drumming

Don't remember how much I have written about playing the drums.  It is something I have done off and on since 7th grade.  So many years lost during post Air Force and marriage time.  I bought an Yamaha electronic kit in August 2009 the same month I hurt my elbow.  I rehabbed back from that injury and have been playing again since.  Since I have met my fiance she has been very supportive of my hobby.  This summer I found a beat up Ludwig Accent kit for $150.  She encouraged me to buy it.  I cleaned it up and sold it for what I had into it before Christmas.  I found a Yamaha Stage custom 6 piece Cranberry Red set for $475 which I thought was a good deal.  It was missing hardware and had some scratches.  I negotiated the price down to cover the missing parts, $365.  So I have both sets back to back in my drum room, okay the basement.  I am worried due to moisture problems down there.  Well I played again yesterday and I am sure rusty.  I have never been a great kit drummer.  I play at about 80-85 accuracy and I am fine with it.  I am 48 now so playing at all is a good thing.  It's a relatively cheap hobby.  I don't need another kit now but like the accessories that go with it.    Added some Paisted cymbals and a couple of Wuhan's.  Fiance bought me a Roc n Soc for Christmas.  Isn't she awesome? Here is an obligatory pic.

She who's name is not to be mentioned.

E. texted me today to inform me she has a new cell phone.  She had to manually copy all her numbers over to her new phone.  She also asked how my Christmas was.  I haven't talked or text her in some time.  I know Rhea doesn't want to hear me mention her so I have really tried not to.  It was such a good Christmas here, then E. text.  I already retired her book from my online storefront.  I published Rhea's book and it was a huge hit with her.  I should just sever ties with E.  She is like the La Brea tar pits pulling my dumb Mammoth self in.  Ixnay on the insay, so they say in pig latin. 

More snow here is really depressing.  Tomorrow we go shopping in St. Cloud.  I will pick up my new drum head.  It will be fun.  Maybe the good Mexican restaurant I can't pronounce for supper.

Peace
dumbdavid

P.S.  Watching G. opened his toy trucks was really cool.  There are some cool benefits to being "Grandpa."

First Christmas at Irving St.

It's 05:45am and the coffee is brewing on Christmas morning.  How can anyone possibly sleep?  I just finished crying as I sat next to the Christmas tree on the sofa.  I was surprised to be overcome with emotion.  It's happiness and sadness wrapped into one.  I am so happy to be here and yet sad at what the last 13 years were like.  I was also sad for the people who aren't here today, my brother and my mom and my daughter.  It was always a Christmas rule that I couldn't wake up my parents until the coffee was ready.  So now it's me and the cat and dog sitting around waiting........ 

Happy Christmas to all.

Peace
dumbdavid

Christmas Eve 5am

It was quiet in the house and not a creature was stirring.  Okay, I am up drinking my diet Dew and blogging.  We have a full house with all the kids except my daughter T. here.  This is a new experience, a new Christmas deal for me.  I am overcome with emotion and it's hard to maintain.  Today we go to my future sister in laws house for family dinner and gifts.  It will be packed with lots of people.  I don't like large family scenes because I always feel awkward with the small talk.  I will just try to blend in and observe.  I came downstairs and turned on the Christmas tree lights to find J. Rhea son sleeping on the sofa.  Oops I forgot he was sleeping there.  Turned them off.  He sleeps like the dead like the whole family does.  I hate them all for this.  Feathers falling wake me up.  Damn Air Force broke my sleeping habits, or maybe it was all the booze, who knows.

In summary, it's a new family tradition starting here.  Dad is supposed to come and have dinner with us tomorrow.  It's looking like snow so he might beg off.  Still it's pretty cool all this new stuff.  Christmas cookies and candy everywhere(oh my waist).  Wrapping toy trucks for my new Grandson, teasing Rhea about opening my present.  Waiting for E. to open her tech present.  And the best, waiting for Rhea to open her final present.  I can't wait to see her expression.

Peace
dumbdavid

She said yes!

Well, I went and done it.  I bought the shiny ring and got down and proposed to Rhea.  Here is the link to the video.  David video proposing to Rhea  We had a wonderful day shopping with the girls, then dinner at Red Lobster.  I was able to sneak into the jewelery store and pick up the ring with no one noticing.  Rhea's older daughter told me she was suspicious when I went off shopping by myself but kept it to herself.  When I came back empty handed she was pretty sure what was going on.  Well, Rhea was totally surprised and overcome with emotion watching the video.  It went better than I expected.  I wasn't worried about her answer.  I just wanted to it be special for her and not screw it up.  I am a very happy man tonight.  Life is about choices and I made the right one.

Peace

dumbdavid

Dish Washing

Well, she is off to work overtime tonight and I am not.  I just finished washing dishes and it's late.  We had homemade chicken soup for dinner, yum.  The brat is playing Minecraft on the sofa as I type.  The older one is somewhere on the road returning with her son and ex boyfriend here???  Well I played my acoustic set today for the second time.  Felt a little less rusty.  The new drum pedal is a little mushy compared to the Yamaha I had been using.  Will adapt to it eventually since it's a double vs. single.

Two weeks from our romantic weekend away.  I am excited to go on this little trip for the simple chance to get away from the chaos of the house.  We are hoping K. gets a job soon so she can move out and give us our space and quiet back.  It's been great getting to know her and G. but very stressful sometimes.

I heard that her ex boyfriends cousin committed suicide this week.  She had been arrested for her 3rd DWI at the age of 22.  It's hard to believe she would think her life would be over after just a little jail time.  There is probably some stuff I don't know about  but it's such a tragedy that she couldn't get the help she needed.  Alcohol, cunning, baffling, powerful, claims another victim.  It's the silent epidemic in the world.  Speaking of which.

WTF! My daughter was arrested two weeks ago for minor consumption at age 16.  She snuck out from a friends house on a sleep over at 4 am to get arrested.  At least she didn't run and was honest with the cops.  I am not a hypocrite and didn't get all self righteous on her.  I was honest and told her I should have been arrested when I was her age.  I told her I can't control her decisions on experimenting with alcohol or drugs.  It's up her to make good decisions.  Each one impacts the rest of her life.   She wants to go to college.  I told her they look at things like criminal records for admittance.  I was really pissed about her lying and sneaking out to hang with guys over 18.  At least she is not dating the kid going to the Marines any more.  That's a heartbreak I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Well enough for now.  Oh, E. still the drama queen as usual.  My new friend C.  is also has the same deal as E.

Peace

dumbdavid

She hates me!!

     Well, I guess I knew it would happen eventually.  My daughter hates me.  I figured with enough exposure to her mother she would be turned against me.  I chose to move here to watch out for my father.  I have "abandoned" her I guess.  She said last night, "I don't want to be your daughter anymore, because you don't treat me like one anyways!"   Cue tears.  WTF!  I have given this girl everything I possibly can except a car and a trip to Costa Rica.  She just sprang this on me Thursday night.  I said I would like to but don't have the 175.00  needed.  She gave me no lead time.  Just like usual for her.  Well now I am the worlds worst father.  It's fucked up.  I know T. blames my girlfriend for everything.  I was alone for eleven years.  Now, I finally find the person I want to spend the rest of my life with and T. is upset.  It's bullshit.  I love my daughter but this is too much.   I worked too hard to get sober to have her ruin it.  I am not going to wreck my current life because she and her mother are immature.  I said my Serenity prayer last night in front my girlfriend.  She was so supportive.  She asks nothing of me but love.  It's the way it's supposed to be.

Lack of sleep and the Urologist

I am having a hard time getting enough sleep.  My "step" grandson G. is making lots of noise while his mother ignores him while I try to sleep each day.  I have had sleeping problems since my last house.  I only get about five hours each night.  Now, I am sick with a cold and a Urinary Tract infection, my second one.  I have an appointment with the Urologist in October.  I have most of the symptoms for BPH and prostate cancer too.  Hopefully it's just an enlarge prostrate and not the other outcome.    It would really be unfair if I had to deal with that now.  Not to mention how expensive the treatments would be.  It would be unfair for R. to deal with also.    Well that's all for now.  The court battle with my employer may be finally over.

The beat goes on.  My daughter is here for a summer visit.  So far, it's been pretty smooth sailing.  She has blended in pretty smooth.  The days are adding up fast.  Over two months now with R.  We have been having regular talks about the M. word.  It's fascinating and scary all the same.  It seems the most natural thing, a progression of where we are at.  I caught myself looking at circular objects today at the mall.  Whoa, that's trippy.  I will wait and see what happens.  Well, this is very short.

Peace

dumbdavid

Waiting for a friend

Rolling Stones, Just waiting for a friend.    I should be used to this by now.  I almost started a spat because I am impatient person.  I should know that it is a waste of my time trying to be on time with the current situation.  Same as it ever was.  I guess I am just wired differently.  Thank you Uncle Sam for making my life more difficult than it needs to be.   Let go and let be, that's the saying.  We get there when we get there.  If it were not for the Wrath of Ron it wouldn't be a big deal.  I am just sick his nagging and complaining.  Pretty soon that will be over I think.  The way fathers are dropping with all my friends he can't be far behind.  Again he could be like a cockroach.  He has survived all the cigarettes and highballs so far.  Whatever.  At least I don't have to work Sunday night. My books showed up on time, imagine that.  I probably won't sell any this weekend which will be very embarrassing.  Time for Serenity Prayer:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Peace

dumbdavid

Grey Eagle

     R. and I have driven twice now to Grey Eagle to retrieve her property.  Today her ex was there.  It's his land.  He was nice enough to deposit her belongings in the back 40 with the wood ticks and mosquitoes.   Today he threw a tantrum like a two year old.  Because she left he wants her car gone and engine he was supposed to be done rebuilding gone.  I think he volunteered to do this by July 4th but is no where near finishing.  The car was drivable so we brought it back here.  We had no means available to haul an engine.  So we will have to make arrangements.  He is also being nice enough to charge her for storage of car and property since she left.  What a jerk.  He was all nice to me introducing himself.  He has me by an inch or two and twenty pounds.  He is a putz though.

     I was glad I was there today.  At first it seemed like everything would be smooth sailing.  The tide turned fast just like the weather.  I watched peripherally at the action to make sure everyone played nice.  It was just like when I was a cop.  Except this time I was a participant instead of just a referee.  We have to go back again tomorrow to pick up R. daughter.

     R. and I keep growing closer and closer.  Today was the first time I have seen her upset.  I was glad it wasn't me she was mad at.  I learned that a persons word means a lot to her.  She told me what a great man I am.  I feel like a little bit of an imposter.  I am good man but not great.  I told her I have faults.  I do.  She has no clue about my money problems.  I have made so many mistakes.  She keeps telling me how lucky she feels to have found me.  I am the lucky one.  I never thought this would happen.  I had lost hope.  I thought I would be alone forever.  I think it took so long for me to heal and discover who the real David is.  I have found this gratitude and acceptance for who I am.  I have normal weaknesses  but I have the one great strength.  I have a large heart.  R. told me so.  I always knew it.  It's scarred and damaged but still beating.  I have so much love to give and R. will receive it.  She deserves it. 

     R. described why the relationship failed with K.  Religion of all things.  Those darn Catholics.  How could you let someone so great as R. go because she won't convert.  I accept R. totally.  I know I can't change her and wouldn't if I could.  We are here now because of everything that has passed.  Our paths crossed and blended into one.  That's all that matters.

Peace

dumbdavid


 

A family affair

Good morning.  It's early and my girls are sleeping upstairs.  My new "family" is asleep upstairs.  It's strange saying that.  My daughter believes that I have run off and found a new family to replace her.  That's not true.  I fell in love.  R.  has children from a previous ugly marriage.  She has parents and a sister, aunts and uncles.  I have no one but Dad and T.  Yesterday was a great visit with Dad.  We worked on his plumbing where my girl showed of her handy skills and drank a beer with Dad during his "happy hour".  She made mega points on his board.  All she has left to do is keep being nice to me and maybe make him a dinner sometime. 

Today is another test for me.  I get to meet R.'s sister and brother in-law.  We are spending the night at her parents for Fathers day and his birthday.   I am a little nervous.  I am out of practice with family settings.  I do better one on one.  Group settings and being on stage make me very nervous.  I know the liquor will be flowing tonight too.  I am not worried about drinking for me but just being around the sights and sounds of intoxicated people is stressful. 

We watched Kill Bill vol. II last night as a family.  The lights were off and R. and I cuddled on the couch.  It could have been any movie and I would have been content.  Making it one of my favorites made it priceless.  I love sharing movies with R. and E. that they haven't watched.  R. is easy to like them but E. a little tougher because of the age separation.  She didn't appreciate Caddyshack. Well what could I expect.  She doesn't golf and the 80's stuff and actors went right over her.    Well got to wake the girls up.  How did I get so lucky.

Peace

dumbdavid

If Anyone Falls

Stevie Nicks sings, "If Anyone Falls." Turns out we both did. What a nice evening. Fixed dinner for my girls while R. mows the backyard. E. comes downstairs and cleans off the dining room table. Such a family setting I find myself wondering if I am in a good Twilight Zone. When does the stress and drama start. I know I shouldn't worry about such stuff. I can't help it. My history almost demands the bad stuff to start up. It taunts me, how dare you be happy. That's not in the cards for dumbdavid. He doesn't deserve this. This joy of normalcy and love. I feel like a stranger in a strange land. I fell through the looking glass and time is running out. I am late, I am late for the nightmare to start. I wish I could quiet those thoughts. Just let go as my recovery literature says. I guess it's part of my addiction. Misery love company and my misery feels neglected. I feel so pathetic for thinking these thoughts. I am really happy today. I have to go to work later but this is about as good as it gets. Ordinary World by Duran Duran is playing now. How convenient? Grieving the loss of a relationship. I am grieving the loss of chaos and darkness. I'll take this love and joy. I will survive and adapt as always. Adapting to happiness will certainly be easier than the bad stuff.

Peace

dumbdavid

One Month!

Well today is my one month anniversary with R. since our first date. It's a small milestone in one sense and huge in another. Everything seems copacetic. She is so easy to be around. R. loves and supports me even when I am stressed out. I hope I don't screw this up. She is the perfect woman for me. I struggle still with my insecurity's. I try to be the best man I can be but come up short I am sure. I love her and her me. It has come on so naturally. It's funny I held back saying it until she did. I even told her, as we hinted around the word, that I couldn't say it until she did. Even then I felt like I was holding back. Once the gate was opened, the love flowed like a river over a dam. There are so many little things R. does that mean a lot to me. Mostly, it's the look in her eyes. The touch of her hand or lips on mine that shows me how much she loves me. It's not just words anymore. It's those moments when she curls into me in bed. She pulls me in close to her so become one.

Peace

dumbdavid

It never goes away does it?

Well, last night the world got shaky. I told my daughter I moved in with my girlfriend R. My daughter sounded upbeat and positive on the phone. Of course, a half hour later my ex called me. Turns out all is not good in Whoville. I found out it's the same thing with her. She feels like she is not wanted or part of the family here. I hung up the phone with her and the first thought I had was drinking. I wanted to come inside and drink some beers. I wanted to feel that numb fog. I was torn between telling R. about these feelings. She could clearly see how upset I was. She held me and told me we would work through it. She is awesome. I had to tell her. Her daughter was also supportive sitting there witnessing my reactions. I asked her to step out of the room so I could talk to R. I told R. about my drinking thoughts. I want to be honest with her. She knows the past I bring. She just covers me with love and support. We will work through this. I will call my daughter today and work this out. E. has offered to share her bedroom with T. That is so huge. I feel like an intruder here still. It's home for me now but I am still waiting to be told to get out. I think this time it's right. We are the perfect match I think. I believe it's real this time. Hopefully my daughter will adjust. It wouldn't be fair if she didn't. I love them all. Please let it work out.

Peace

dumbdavid

Home

Home is where the heart is. My heart is here. I am moving in with R. Truth be told I have been here almost every day for the last three weeks. I am just moving my stuff in to catch up with me and my heart. I told my Dad today. He took it pretty well. I know he is concerned I am rushing things and will screw it up. I am afraid I will screw it up. I am afraid I will get moved in and she will get sick of me. R. is away at an art show for today and tomorrow. I miss her so much. I think it's good to be apart. A little breathing room won't hurt us. It will make it better. I have a new poem for R. It's called Home. I don't want to publish here because I am afraid of copyright infringement now. So much has changed in the last three weeks. I went from being alone to being in love. How is this possible? How did I get so lucky to find the one woman I wanted and needed. She is wonderful. What she sees in me will always keep me in awe. I write her poems and she cries. I tell her things and she cries. She tells me a hundred times how much she loves and then, surprise actually shows me how much she loves me. It makes me so sad I was married for so long and it wasn't like this. I have never seen her upset or mad. We haven't argued or had a disagreement. It's unbelievable. I hold my breath afraid to wake up. Will it last? I hope and dream yes.

Peace

dumbdavid

Cliff

My friend Cliff died yesterday at 10:35am. He pulled out across an intersection from a stop sign into the path of an oncoming Super Duty Ford 1 ton pickup. He was killed instantly. He was a quarter mile from home and from my Dad's place. Cliff was 75 years old. He was really my Dad's friend but like a dutch uncle to me. He gave me some wonderful advice after I found sobriety. I was arguing with my parents who didn't believe I was an alcoholic. Stressed out I asked Cliff, who is sober, what to do. He told me to take care of myself. He said I couldn't control their thoughts and actions only mine. He was so right and funny very much a twelve step idea. I have to let go of other peoples thoughts, actions, behaviors and resentments. I was able to move on and let go of their irrational ideas. Eventually it became a non topic, among others, with them. Cliff was a good man. He had a large family. His sons were very close to me in age. I feel so bad for them. I now fear my fathers death even more. I thought Cliff would be there to help me through it. Now, I have to hope my new girlfriend doesn't get sick of me. I can't imagine going through another loss alone. Last night as I cried she held me and told me it was okay as I apologized for my weakness. I then apologized again for apologizing. I know it's okay to cry. It's part of the ordinary grief process. But us tough guys don't cry I say. Huh? So I talked and cried into my girlfriends arms. I can't write anymore out of exhaustion. I will miss you Cliff.

Peace

dumbdavid

Landslide

Well, officially we are a couple. The letter I gave R. this morning caused a landslide of emotions. I see it in her eyes. She wants to say it. R. is overwhelmed with everything. I am too. I thought I could move slowly. Her tears this morning brought tears to me. Emotion is swelling up within me. I fight the urge to move forward. To be open and experience what is in front of me. The way R. looks at me. The love is in her eyes even if she can't say it. She holds me and I feel great. Now, she is gone on her trip to her parents. I miss her so much. These last two days were even better than the ones before. We sat as a family eating dinner. Her daughter is great. Our two roads have merged into one. I can't deny my feelings. And yet the fear is still present. I think R. has the same thing. Fear. I have been hurt so much. This keeps getting better. I know I have had similar experiences before. I wish I could say that this time it will last. I guess that's the real thing. You don't know. You have to have faith. Trust. Love is not a timid emotion. I don't want to be the first to say it. We keep hinting at it. Love is sprinkled in other sentences. "I love your...." Like little tests. A toe in the water. I am so glad I gave R. the letter this morning instead of letting her read it alone. We will be as one. One thousand kisses gave way to a new future.

Peace

dumbdavid

Hurts so good.

Thanks JCM. I am tired and sore. I think it's official. We are a couple. I am looking forward to after work tomorrow morning. I am really tired tonight. R. woke me with a text tonight. What a nice way to wake up. I teased her a little but I was very happy to hear the tone from my phone. This has been an amazing weekend. There was only one small snag with mr. happy. Or as he is know known, mr. I don't show it up when needed. Well, we have to the technology, ie. chemistry to fix that. R. is right about one thing. How do we sit on break without acknowledging what has happened between us. I told her I supported what she wanted regarding work and our relationship. The company is just like a high school. People talk to much. I have been guilty too. I just don't want R. to face any unwanted Just found Jerry Macguire on cable. The speech is coming soon. How about the night was nearly complete because he couldn't share it with Renee. I immediately think about R. I told her this morning in bed, "you were hiding in plain sight." We have take so so long to get here in our life. We just weren't ready to be together. Her road sounds like it was rough like mine. I cried in front of her this morning unexpectedly. I was talking about one of the last conversations I had with mom. I just choked up and couldn't go on for a second. The look of compassion and empathy in her eyes meant so much to me. I have one big concern. It's all about me. I haven't been able to talk about my drinking. Last night she was drinking a beer when I got to her house. Some new fancy Budweiser. I wanted one so bad. I drank my dew instead. I am terrified about what happens when I tell her. Will she accept me then. I think so but don't know. The speech is on. The night wasn't complete because he couldn't share it with her. "You complete me." I guess that says it all.

Peace

dumbdavid

Waiting to exhale

Well, I am waiting and hoping she texts tonight. I think she will. We have exchanged texts today. I found her jewelery that she forgot here. I wonder if it was accidental or on purpose. I think it was accidental. I told my friend C. about last night. She was very happy for me. She did tell me she drank last night. I felt bad for her. She complains about it but isn't quite ready to stop. I wish I could do something to help her but there is nothing I can do. Back to R. My lips hurt. For real! It must have been about a thousand kisses last night. They seemed so soft last night. I am so tired. So where do we go from here. I am writing because I don't know. It's exciting because I know nothing about her. I get to discover each new thing about her and her me. I am deeply worried about one thing. Last night the subject of alcohol didn't come up. She didn't drink during supper. Also, her ex husband is a wicked drunk. He hasn't had a DL for 20 years because of DWI's. Thankfully it didn't come up. I feel like I am lying by not sharing my alcoholism with her. Part of me wants her to know up front. Before it gets so serious that either one of us gets hurt. I guess I will wait. It's not like I am drinking. It will come up eventually. I hope she will understand. So last night we laid together. All night. Just holding each other, kissing and stuff. We drifted off to sleep then woke up in each others arms to start again. Her breathing and sounds really are animated. Quite thrilling to experience her reactions to my touch. I can hardly wait to be alone with her again. I wish we didn't have to go back to work tomorrow night. This summer will be tough. She will be busy. I will have to be patient. Inquiring minds want to know. When to make the facebook relationship status change. Standing by.

Peace

dumbdavid

The morning after

It's the morning after and I am feeling fine. I have barely slept but it's a good exhaustion and pain. I had a date last night with R. I didn't know what to expect except that I could tell she was a nice person. Dinner was okay, food and service was good but the atmosphere lacked. We came back to my house and tried to watch a movie Silver Lining Playbook. We didn't finish. I reached up and touched her hair. I could tell she liked that. Then we kissed. So soft, were her lips. Well we didn't finish the movie. I just returned from dropping her off this morning. R. has to drive to the cities today to help her mom set up for next week garage sale. She said she would text me when she gets back so maybe I can see her tonight. I can see this going for long time. We like so many things[zombies]. She is very sensitive in many ways. We connected so easily last night. I sent her a text this morning so she would have my phone number, "missing you already." Her reaction was priceless. It really touched her and she saved it in her phone. Now the problem for me is too fast, too soon. We'll see. I just react, improvise, adapt, and overcome. Now, counting down until I see her and hold her in my arms again. Feel her lips against mine. I didn't think this would happen.

Peace

dumbdavid

Suicide

Well, it has happened again.  Someone else I knew has committed suicide.  This time it was the brother of my college sweetheart.  To say she is heartbroken doesn't even come close.  She sent me a message via Facebook to let me know.  She said she had been thinking about me ever since it happened.  "I needed to tell someone who would understand! Thank you!"  When we dated I spent a lot of time trying to talk to her about my brother but it was hard for her not having experience/perspective on the subject.   I don't know if it is a secret he took his life or not but I would understand the families need to keep it private.  Even today families have a hard time dealing with suicide.  In my family my parents acted openly that it never happened.  After my brother died it was a taboo subject to even mention my brother.  It was like he never existed.  I never received counseling until I was an adult and sought it out for myself.

I wrote J. and expressed sympathy for her.  I wish I could take the pain for her.  I wish I could make her suffering disappear.  She was always a really nice person and to know she is in pain sucks.  I gave her the following link forum.forsuicidesurvivors.com/  It is a really great place for survivors of suicide.  I used to hang out there but it became overwhelming.  Each time I visited there were always new stories of loss from family members.

I sent J. my phone number if she wanted to talk.  I don't expect her to call.  It is so fresh and raw for her I think it may be too much too soon.  I just wanted her to know she isn't alone.  There literally thousands of us survivors.  I was honest that the pain never goes away.  It's just a wound that scabs over never fully healing.

Scab

Red brown crusted scab
Loosely holds the wound
closed preventing more spilled blood
torn apart emotions flow
out each time the scab cracks open
anniversaries, birthdays old pictures
tear the gash wide open revealing
loss and heartbreak pouring out


J. I would do anything to save you the agony you are feeling.  I hope you find peace someday.


Peace

dumbdavid

Sat. Nite thinking

I am alone watching ALCS baseball game feeling in the dumps. I am wondering if I will ever find someone. I don't know how to even meet women anymore. Part of the problem is my lack of confidence. Another pity party for dumbdavid. I have even been daydreaming about past girlfriends, Phyllis and E. Beautiful women, passionate, smart. Wasn't meant to be.

Do you ever remember a last kiss? I never do. First kisses yes, but not the last. To feel those lips against mine again, I would give a lot.

Peace

dumbdavid

Losing again!

Well, my multi billion dollar employer has won another round in my workers comp battle. Even though I am receiving $1.11 less per hour than I should for being forced to take a lower paying job, the statue doesn't recognize this fact. It looks at my pre injury pay versus current pay which is equal. I should be working my old job earning an extra 2000 per year. Plus, with my restrictions I will never be able to sign into a higher paying job in the company. I still have a chance to receive some of the underpayment from when I was off work. I won't hold my breath. So far my lawyer has done nothing so I guess she won't get paid unless the underpayment goes through. Fuck scotch brand products!

Peace

dumbdavid

Messages

It is funny how things worked out. What I thought was real wasn't. What I felt was used. I thought it was something real but suspect was only a diversion. I'm not sure how to process the new information I have learned. I am not angry, just more hurt. I think I understand but can't be sure. I guess I see how it happened, she was confused, turned to me. My mess turned her back to him. Now, she is alone. I truly wish Phyllis the best. I wish the hurt wasn't there, here. I don't regret any of it.

Peace

dumbdavid

A Vampire's life

I just woke up a half hour ago. I like working on the third shift again, but. There are small issues. I liven a busy street so noise is a problem. The garbage truck drivers think they are Dale Jr. My dad seems surprised when I call him, "you sound down.". Actually, I just woke up and the caffeine hasn't kicked in. Duh!

I haven't written about the Talking Stick 20 book release party. It was great. I met so many interesting people there. I was hoping to find someone to edit my short story collection but my shyness kept me from asking. It was amazing seeing my poem in the book along with so many gifted writers. I read my poem in front of about 50 people. That was scary, easily the biggest crowd I had read in front of. My poem 'Scars' is very personal. Now, dad wants to see the book and of course, my poem. How will he react? Will he realize it is mostly about him. I was thinking of showing him my book but afraid of the pain it would cause. Wish I knew what to do.

The sun shines here today, cool.

Peace

dumbdavid

Sadness

Sadness comes and goes in my life. Please understand this isn't a complaint. My mood ebbs and flows lime the tide washing in and out. I watch movies and my emotions let go. I wonder what is left in my life. My daughter is growing up and away from me. My father says it was bound to happen. I am sad at this. This blog is my place to voice my emotions instead of internalizing or repressing them. I feel very alone tonight.

I feel grateful that I have only one wish left in life. My dreams have come true. I have loved and been loved. I served with honor as a policeman and soldier. I have played music and created poems from thin air. All that I wish for my life is love, long lasting love. I accept that it probably won't happen. Such is life.

Peace

dumbdavid

Tired

This new night shift has worn me out. Next week will be tougher still. I will slowly adjust I guess.

E. had court yesterday and I don't know what happened. I am worried for her. J. is a dick and still making her life hell. E. Is probably has a little responsibility for things but not like J. Wrote a new poem yesterday called Haunted. It's about E. of course. So.

What to do?

Peace

dumbdavid

Down Sunday

It's a down dreary Sunday with drizzle and dark mood forecasted. Haven't heard from anyone on Facebook. Work has me down as the enormity of the future in the factory pulls down on me. I haven't been writing which I should with the book release party coming up. I think I am holding on too tight again. I am pegged on the stress meter. Loneliness just seasons the pain with Cayene pepper. I ran out of gas yesterday because of my stupidity. Dad came to rescue me. If I had a gas can with me I wouldn't have called him. I took it out of the trunk for the mower and forgot to replace it. It sort of fit me like a theme of my current life.

I long to touch someone again. I know it's part of the reason I talk with E. That history of passion is like a blow torch in my memory just like W. I had accepted being alone for the first time. W. woke me up to the beauty of intimacy. She promised me I wouldn't be alone anymore. 30 days and she ditched me like a new lemon car. I am a lemon. No, I am not really sour and bitter. Just sad. I try not to dwell anymore. Lexapro has been working pretty good. I think the drastic changes to my sleep pattern are messing with me.

I am going to nap now.

Peace

dumbdavid

Arts Festival and E. Again

Well I am exhausted from 5 hours driving today to and from the Northwoods Arts Festival. My poem didn't win anything. I did read it aloud. It is very strange doing that. I don't think I will ever get comfortable saying poems aloud. I did meet the publishers of the Talking Stick. They said I could sell books there. I will order some so I can take them up there. I can make a sign here and print it off.

E. Wrote again. Her ex J. Is causing problems again. He is a dick, even if he used to be my friend. He sicked child protection on E. Karma is a motherfucker J. What goes around comes around. I re read some old dumbdavid posts re: E. Alarms are ring as she slowly enters my life again. She is worse than alcohol. I quit drinking after 20 years, but I am ready for another chance at her. It is like saying, "it's only one beer!". Like one won't lead to another and another.

I am tired and confused.

Peace

dumbdavid

Back on the chain gang!

Surprise, surprise my employer has found a job that "meets" my permanent restrictions. Fuck!!!! I thought I would never have to step into that factory again. Dad says, "nobody likes their job". No shit! I hate mine.

On the E. front, she keeps writing. She asked my opinion about her angry son. I remember a sweet fun boy of eight. Not an angry 20 something mixed up man/child. I feel for her. It's weird. I sent her my number in a message. Alarm bells ring my head but I keep writing her. Thank goodness she has a boyfriend and she is 150 miles away. No temptation that way. I guess I am still the broken man I thought.

Peace

dumbdavid

NORTHWOODS ART & BOOK FESTIVAL POETRY DISPLAY/RECOGNITION, AUGUST 20th, 2011 HACKENSACK, MN

Well I have been invited to the Hackensack Arts Festival along with other poets. I am not sure if one or both of my poems will be displayed. I will get to read my first poem, "Failure at Forty". Of course, it's about me like most of my poems. I don't know if I should be honored that someone liked my self loathing description of my under achievement. I guess I am. I wasn't ever planning on sharing that poem. There are some that are too personal, too open to share. I have read my poems before in public. It is a strange naked feeling standing up and opening a vein for strangers to see inside mental meltdown. I guess it makes me a closet exhibitionist.

Job

I hate searching for jobs, filling out apps and interviews. Yesterday I interviewed for a part time job. Kind of a waste of time. The job probably won't work for me. I guess it was good experience though. I also got paid mileage for it. It would help if I had some direction to go in. I don't want to move for several reasons. Expense, hassle, the work of it all suck.

I picked up my new prescription for L. today. I also got some more samples too. Hopefully workers comp will pay from here out. I guess that's all for today.

Peace

dumbdavid

Facebook

I got onto Facebook to monitor my daughter. Now, I have my own friends. Except one just unfriended me. This person I thought was a close friend. We had emailed extensively even though we live far apart. We hadn't spoken for 26 years until she found me on FB. It's been a roller coaster ride for sure. I though we had made a special bond. It is just like my life to have things start falling apart again. It's a vicious cycle of a couple okay years followed by incredible stress and strife. Like David Byrne says, "Same as it ever was, same as it ever was". Fuck! I am so hurt and frustrated. A beer would be so good right now. Yeah that's the ticket. Let's go straight back to insanity. That would be so much better. A little Latin for you listeners.

Lorem
Ipsum

Translated literally means pain for pains sake!

Peace

dumbdavid

Stupid, Crazy Love

Well I went to a movie today. 14.50 including popcorn and diet coke. At least I got my money's worth. I saw Stupid, Crazy Love. I laughed really hard in spots and was moved in others. I won't give away plot but Steve Carell was very good along with everyone else.

So my daughter called asking for money for the fair next week. I felt bad I can't send it until Monday. Her Mom had to butt in the conversation to ask if I am working yet. No, but I have found some leads. I really don't want to move due to hassle and expense. I might have to. St. Cloud is a good town if I go there. A lot of memories.

Did I post that found J. On Facebook? Shocking really. I guess I am in some form of contact with most of my exes. Pretty strange I guess. I wonder if it would have been better to stay in stealth mode. At least E. Has been friendly. J. hasn't communicated with me only accepted my friend request. I will leave her alone. She has her life. I think I ruined my chance I had with L. I seem to be really good at that.

Soul mates? That was the theme of today's movie. I thought several times I have found my soul mate. Maybe I did at sixteen and it just wasn't meant to be in this lifetime. Maybe next one.

To B.

The desert sunrise awaits us


Peace

dumbdavid

A Walk to Remember

Is Nicholas Sparks a genius or a schmuck for books he writes? Genius is a little strong but he has the genre down pat. I had read the book, A Walk to Remember, but tonight I watched the movie. It started a little too much like an average teen movie, then it switched. The last half definitely was stronger. I was touched more than I had been by the book. I hope they keep making more of his books into movies. There are a couple I'd like to see.

My short stories seem like cheap imitations of his stories. I wonder if I should keep trying. I have some writers block again. I started a story but not sure it should be finished. I have no other ideas either. My disaster story is stalled too. It feels like a waste of time.

I guess not much more tonight.

Peace

dumbdavid

Job apps.

Well I am in the job search mode again. The multi billion dollar company that injured me just can't seem to find a job that fits me. The wicked witch of Alexandria "D. E." should be fired for her lack of human resource. It is a sad world when an employer cares so little for employees while claiming to be concerned with safety.

So, I filled out to job applications today. Probably, the first of many I will do. It sucks! Middle age job hunts suck! It is almost as worse as dating as I approach my 46th birthday. Which, I will probably be alone again.

We interrupt this pity party. Those responsible have been sacked!

Of course my back is out again......

Those responsible for sacking the people who have just been sacked have been sacked.

Of course I slipped into silliness to avoid my obvious discomfort. Deflect with humor I say.

Peace

dumbdavid

The Fighter ie: Brothers

Wow, I just watched the movie, The Fighter. It tells the story of boxer Mickey Ward and his brother Dickey. I guess I should of been prepared for the story. I just under estimated the impact it would have on me. There are some who have accused me of "living in the past". I don't think that is totally true. I had my heart broken in 1980 with the suicide of my older brother. My heart never healed completely. I think all my relationships have suffered because of it. I don't blame Scott either. I think it's just the truth and it's my fault.

I sit tonight in my sadness. Life is tough now because of several things. I went to Facebook tonight. Sometimes it's the worst or best website. Tonight I viewed an alternate life I could of had. Strange. I am not saying I didn't have the life I deserved because I did. Everything happened for a reason including the choices I made. It was just the combination of the movie, my brother, and my current loneliness.

I am happy for her. She seems to have a happy life. She still has that cheerful smile. I can hear her giggle. I think I will listen to Billy Joel for awhile in nostalgia.

Peace

dumbdavid

Messages from E.

I keep receiving messages. Like ghosts drifting from my past they arrive now with more frequency. I don't know how to handle it. I guess like so many years before I will wait and wait. She seems like the same person I remember. Her life is the same too. I guess I haven't changed a lot either looking at my reaction to all this. Feelings I thought were long dead suddenly stir like zombies resurrected. I wonder if I need a metaphorical bullet to the brain.

I wish I had someone to talk to about this. I know what Dad would say. I don't want to hear it. I am enjoying myself too much.

Peace

dumbdavid

10 Years later.

2011 is really turning out as a blast from the past. I heard from E. tonight. I can't believe it's been ten years. We had a nice chat via message. She seems well and happy. I am happy for her. My heart sure jumped when I saw her name in the message. I was able to apologize for which I am grateful. I didn't handle the break up well. Does anyone? Seeing her current picture is weird too.

Three women from my past reconnect with me in the last 9 months. I didn't seek them out. They found me. I date one, courted the second. Now the third contacts me. Talk about Deja Vu'.

So, I am losing my mind I guess.

Peace

dumbdavid

Rejection

There was always a slim hope but not any more. Rejection gets harder every time it happens. I am not sure how much more I can take. To open my heart after so long only to be hurt again is nearly unbearable. I guess I get what I deserve for climbing out of my bubble. It just felt real and great. More scar tissue will form over my heart. I am happy for her. She seems happy and that is great. Phyllis is a wonderful lady. I wish her the best. I am truly grateful for everything we shared.

Peace

dumbdavid

A published Poet!

It looks like I will be a published poet. I was close ten years ago but somehow that fell through. I received a letter Wednesday from the publishers of The Talking Stick that they have accepted my poem "Scars". The book should be released late August or early September. It will be available at www.jackpinewriters.com. My friends have been supportive in their congratulations. I haven't told my dad yet. I will but probably not explain which poem it was.

I also received bad news about Chuck my ex father in law. His cancer has returned and spread to his lymph nodes. He is in my prayers. Chuck was a great fishing and hunting partner. I will always cherish those memories.

Peace

dumbdavid

Insanity or life as I know it.

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and
expecting different results. "


That sums it up for today.

Peace

dumbdavid

Time waits for no one supposedly.

Long time no write. Ha Ha. I know why I stopped writing here. The walls have ears so to speak. I knew that. It's why I started writing here in the first place. I have recently been worried about what I might say here. I shouldn't because that part of my life is done. I must look forward. Waiting has not ever been easy for me. Now all I do is wait. A fools errand, I know. I have always been a fool though.

Peace

dumbdavid

Saturday Night

I have this thing about immediate gratification. I am not very good at delayed gratification. It probably explains part of my spending problems. I could blame my parents but that would be blame shifting. I accept my responsibility for my actions. I am just not patient as I would like or should be. Hmm. Do you check the clock?

Peace

dumbdavid

St. Patrick's Day/ back ache

Well, it is St. Patricks day and all the amateurs are out drinking. I don't remember actually any special celebrations on this day in my drinking past. I think my work schedule probably always interfered.

My back is out again. It gets really old just bending over to pick something up and it siezing up. It always takes at least a week to start getting better. I know I should lose some weight. I have started walking again.

Peace

dumbdavid

My sobriety birthday today 11 years now!

Well, I have 11years of sobriety now. Hard to believe it. There was a time I couldn't imagine life without alcohol. Now, I can't imagine life drinking again. I still get the urges. Especially when bad things happen, like break ups. I promised myself almost ten years ago I wouldn't drink because of a woman. I still won't.

I was wondering what I did wrong recently. I realized I was just being who I am. It was external to me, the other person. I guess that makes it easier to understand.

I can't decide if I want cake or ice cream to celebrate today. For those who still drink, please hoist a beer for me.

Peace

dumbdavid

Good day today.

Well, I submitted another short story today. I have three short stories and two poems submitted for publication currently. I hope one gets picked. It would be nice to get some official recognition. It wouldn't be about the prize money or anything but seeing something in real print would be great. I had one poem get published supposedly by the Poetry Motel but never received a copy of the journal so I don't know. I received a letter with publishing release from them then. It's a pretty small journal and I don't know if they are still in business. We'll see about the new stuff.

Peace

dumbdavid

31 Years ago today.

Scott, it's hard to believe that 31 years have passed since you died. It's a whole lifetime without you. Did you know the impact you would have on everyone's lives? It doesn't matter now. I miss you. I miss the fun we used to have. I wish I could talk to you now.

It is awfully quiet around here. Communications have gone down again. It comes and goes with no predictability. I hope everything is okay with Phyllis. I told her I was still thinking about her. I have tried not to say things like that. I don't want to stress her or put any pressure on her. I wish her happiness even though I know it probably means without me.

Talked with my daughter last night. She still has a nagging cough. It's everywhere. Lucky for me I am missing this round of colds it seems.

R.S.N. 10/27/60 to 2/21/1980. RIP Scott. I love you.

Peace

dumbdavid

Today's horoscope, oh the irony.

February 20, 2011


Virgo (8/23-9/22)

There are many metaphysical books on the market now that tout the validity of coincidence, or, more accurately, of the fact that there really is no such thing as a coincidence, only a series of symbolic events that we're occasionally smart enough to notice. When you notice just such a pattern occurring now, don't question your sanity. You're absolutely right. Once you notice, you'll have the answer to that pressing question you've been asking yourself.


Peace

dumbdavid

Sunday morning early

Well, I woke up early again. Caribou had Sumatra coffee as a choice. I really like it. A good friend started me on it. Now, it will always be linked to them for me. It's funny how inanimate objects take on additional meanings due to association to people in your life. Sumatra, Maui, Rotini pasta, and poetry now are forever linked. It's okay. Good memories.

Slow day today waiting for the storm of the century to arrive. I thought I would wake to a blizzard. There was only cold high winds. I am sure the snow will start anytime. Yuk. I can't wait for spring. At least the Twins pitchers and catchers reported for spring training. Yeah!!!! I have to go to a Twins game this year. I don't care if it's the crappiest seat in the house. I think I want to go to the porch over left field.

Well that's enough for an early Sunday.

Peace

dumbdavid

Interstate 94

Well, I am back after another successful run to the Dr. Office in Edina. Twice in one week. I am so good at driving down I-94 that I could do it in my sleep. Almost a two and half hour one way trip for a 10 minute Dr. visit. At least the infection on my arm is still receding. I can't wait to finish the antibiotics.

I was in bed in early again last night. Five hours of driving kind of wears me out. Back to the routine of Saturday visit to dad's. My daughter was busy baby sitting this weekend so it didn't work out for a visit.

Well, not much else going on. French roast coffee and a survey coupon this morning. Nice start to a gray day here. Very cold. More snow tonight and tomorrow.

Peace

dumbdavid

St. Cloud 1983

I have started working on a new story. I am combining a piece of memoir from 1983 and adding fictional parts to it. I have always wanted to write about this time in my life, freshman year in St. Cloud. I don't think I am dwelling on the past as much as taking some interesting events and expanding on them. They say the truth is more interesting than fiction sometimes. I think writers take real pieces of their lives and inject it into their writing. Zach Braff admits that during the interviews for the movie Garden State. He said he took many stories from his and his friends lives and merged them into the script for Garden State.


Speaking of movies, I watched Henry Poole is Here last night. Highly recommend it. I thought it was going to be a comedy since Luke Wilson was on the cover. I didn't even look at the back. I like his work. It was actually a serious drama with a few comedic moments. It's a story about faith and miracles. It's something I struggle with a lot. My faith. Well, it's a good movie.

Peace

dumbdavid

Sunny Sunday

Well, it's a sunny Sunday here. Drinking coffee killing time waiting to go get my haircut. My hair has gotten shaggy again. Local shop has a Sunday special so I will be there when they open. My roof started leaking into my main floor bathroom yesterday. I had to call my landlord. He actually showed up pretty fast and took off the snow and ice dam.

Going to stop at Menard's to look at book shelves. I need another short one for my living room.

Kind of fun to people watch at Caribou. B. the local cop brought in a new lab puppy to show the girls who work here. It was like a week old, golden colored. Too cute. I wish I had a dog, but I don't want to pay the deposit. I would have problems with my travel too. Someday. Definitely a lab I think.

Peace

dumbdavid

Poetry submissions

Well, I submitted two poems today to The Talking Stick. It is a Minnesota literary journal that publishes Poetry and short stories of Minnesota authors. I have submitted now one short creative non-fiction and two poems to the Talking Stick. The creative non-fiction is a story of a ski trip I went on with my brother. I am still going to submit one of my longer stories to Glimmer train.

It is hard to reach out with my writing. I fear the rejection which is a normal part of the writing process. I have always feared the rejection. It's part of life. It doesn't make it any easier though.

The sun has popped out here. It is supposed to be above freezing today. The first time I think since before Christmas. We are in for a stretch of a couple of days like this. Spring can't get here soon enough.


Peace

dumbdavid

Spring time melt

Let the melt begin. It is finally starting to warm here. Thank goodness. I can't wait for spring. Hoping to actually play some golf this year. I didn't play once last year. This elbow injury has taken forever to resolve. I just hope everything stays on track. I am nervous about going back to work. It won't be for sometime but there are no lightweight positions where I work. We'll see. I also don't know what my fellow employees will be like. I ran into one yesterday I have never like. He was cool like he always is.

My daughter has missed three days straight from school with bronchitis like illness. My ex only informed me last night after she went to the doctor after day two. It's frustrating being so far from my daughter. I wish I could just pack up and move sometimes. With my workers comp situation I am forced to stay and resolve it. If somehow I can't continue with my employer due to my injury I will seriously look for something much closer to my daughter. I think Mankato may be my best shot for employment. I wouldn't mind working two jobs if I could get the scheduling to work.

Peace

dumbdavid

Heat Wave

Well a heat wave is on the way finally. It's good. This below zero shit was getting on my nerves. I am struggling today a bit. I will just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I did submit one story for publication today. I don't know if it is good enough but we'll see.

Working on the therapy. Each day three times have to do exercises. My elbow is pretty sore by bedtime. It definitely has loosened some though. It was really stiff after surgery. Don't have much else to write today. Caribou is packed with loud old people today. I have my Ipod cranked to drown out their conversations. I guess I am just shallow not wanting to hear about their Bursitis.

Peace

dumbdavid

Gratitude by Melody Beattie

Great Value Cinnamon French toast sticks for breakfast, yummy. Sitting at Caribou per usual. I have discovered that bringing my own cup saves me .50 per visit. Duh! Well it helps now.

I started reading Gratitude: Inspirations by Melody Beattie. It is helpful. I made it half way through last night. I was asked to read it by my counselor. I have been working on changing my negative thinking to more positive reading. I highly recommend the book. There was a important part that really fit with me on page 38 about personal responsibility. I won't quote it but it made sense to me. I hope lots of people read this book. I got it at the library but it is only $10 new.

It was another beautiful sunrise. I am grateful for beautiful sunrises to start the day. I am grateful for cheerful coffee shop employees and Mahogany coffee. I am grateful for Physical Therapy to help towards a successful recovery. I am grateful for many things and people in my life.

Peace

dumbdavid

Same as it ever was.......

Well, I guess I am alone again. I love Phyllis but she needs some time. It's okay. I want her to be happy most of all. We hopefully will remain friends. I hope that others will give her the space she needs too. She is a wonderful woman. I am sorry if I caused her stress. Well, as David Byrne said, "Same as it ever was..". I will be fine. I will keep writing and visiting my daughter when I can. Thank you Phyllis for being my friend. It does mean a lot to me.

Peace

dumbdavid

Physical torture, err therapy

Well, I start PT again today post surgery. I am not looking forward to this. At least not physically. I know it will be tough and painful. I know it is necessary to the healing process. I will do the best I can. I need to get back to work eventually.

It was a beautiful sunrise this morning. I always appreciate them. They are so beautiful as the sky changes colors as the sun rises. A low cloud bank was moving in from the northwest and the colors were bouncing off the clouds. I can't wait for spring. I have had enough of the snow. Speaking of which I heard Sunday we may get more accumulation.

I hope I can golf by late summer. My golf clubs sit like orphans upstairs. We'll see. I watched Social Network last night, the story of Facebook. I liked it. The lead actor is Jesse Eisenberg, also with Justin Timberlake, directed by David Fincher. I like Fincher's directing. He has interesting visuals and cinematography. If you use Facebook you would probably enjoy the movie. I was surprised that Timberlake can actually act a little. I haven't seen him much but I heard Alpha Dog was good.

That is all for today Friday.

Peace

dumbdavid

Security

I am a Chatty Cathy. I like to talk. I say everything I feel and I like it. I know one person who also likes this. I had to change my security settings to protect my privacy. I caused some undue harm and feel bad because of this. I am sorry I caused this pain and stress. Things will be better now. I believe in the more positivity now than I used too. My counselor says negativity is easy. Being positive is work but it's rewarding. I have my gratitude journal and letters of thank you to write. It's funny I used to guard nuclear weapons. I should know about the violation of OPSEC[operational security]. In world war II they said loose lips sink ships, it's true sort of. Hoping that doesn't happen.

Peace

dumbdavid

Sadness or Gratitude

For my 100 post I have chosen to write about sadness vs. gratitude. I am sad today after leaving from my place of convalescence after surgery. I will miss Phyllis greatly until I see her again. I am grateful for the time we shared and how she took care of me during this difficult time. She is wonderful and deserves massive kudos for putting up with me.

In the old days I would have focused on the negativity or sadness of our situation. Today, I know we will reunite in a short time. I look forward to it with gratitude and thankfulness. I know I am truly blessed with this relationship. Phyllis will always be a part of my life. I am truly better for having known her. I have learned about myself and the fact that I am capable of being loved this late in life. I had doubts before. The world is sunny today and my soul is warmed by her spirit. Thank you Phyllis for everything. We will be back together soon.

To all others, I hope you do not lose hope in life. It can surprise you when you least expect it.

Peace

dumbdavid

French Silk Pie

French Silk Pie is the best. Very rich tasting. It's made totally of sinful things and lots of calories. Killing time presently. I have killed a lot of time the last few months. It will be strange to go back to work, any work. I ran into a co-worker before I left on this surgery trip. It was strange talking to her. She sounded shocked I was still an employee. It's weird not knowing where I will end up job wise. Will my rehab be successful enough to return to my employer? Who knows. I don't particularly trust my employer at this point after what I have been put through. It sucks after five years of dirty hard work.

I can't believe I am going home tomorrow. I am sad. It has been eventual time here. My feelings are stronger than ever. I can't wait for the future chapters to unfold for us. Phyllis I love you! I wish I could tell the whole world. We're not perfect. Nobody is. We'll see what the future holds. This didn't just randomly happen. I could not ask for more.

Peace
dumbdavid

What me worry?

Always loved Mad Magazine growing up.

I worry, a lot. I internalize a lot of my feelings. Especially feelings that are stressful. I am use to hiding stuff from my dad so he doesn't worry. I think it may appear that I am carefree regarding my work situation. It is scary thinking about not returning to work because of my elbow. I will probably have to move. Yet I can't lift anything for quite some time. Movers are expensive, deposit and first months rent are expensive. Moving in with my dad would ruin the relationship I have worked so hard to nurture the last five years. I would end up resenting his negativity. It would create a overly stressful situation where I might want to drink. That is not an option for me.

I worry about this beautiful new person in my life. I worry the garbage of my past life will ruin things. I try to grow and put stuff behind me. I can't deny my alcoholism, I won't. It's part of me forever. I can't seem to shake the financial instability. Divorce is hard. When my decree was signed I was immediately 3 thousand dollars behind on child support. It took me a long time to catch up. I have been current for several years. I am not rich. I will probably not ever going to be rich. I accept my situation and I do worry about it. Probably too much.

peace

dumbdavid

Candlelight

Let's hope I never have to identify with the Staind song, "It's been awhile." Except there are the lines,

And it's been awhile since I've seen the way the candles light your face
And it's been awhile but I can still remember just the way you taste


Candlelight illuminates peoples faces and their souls. It allows for a shared intimacy I didn't know existed. I never thought I could feel that close to someone, to actually share their tears. To have the tears transfer onto my cheeks. I felt a closeness that I had no idea existed. I sit in awe this morning of the glory I have experienced last night. Feeling blessed just doesn't seem strong enough. I hope to remain worthy for the years to come of this trust. It would be like hurting myself if I screwed up.

Candlelight. Lighting the moments of our souls.

Peace

dumbdavid

I miss my Mom

9 hour countdown. I hate the waiting. The prize is worth it though. It's Christmas Eve and I want to open all my presents. It's a wonderful feeling.

I had a strange experience yesterday. Someone wanted to use one of my poems to help their client. The details aren't important here but the fact she thought so highly of my poem really touched me. I guess I never had any aspirations as a poet. I just wrote for me. It is so rewarding when people identify with my poems. Now, I am writing short stories. I have one fan. She says she loves my stories.

I miss my Mom. She was such an avid reader. I think she would really enjoy reading my stories. I think she would have been a good editor for me too. I will dedicate my first novel to her if I ever get that far. Novels scare me. It is so much more involved technically and emotionally. I won't write pulp. I think action novels are fun entertainment, but not what I think is my strong suit. I like the deep emotional connection between characters and conflict. I guess I am a sap too because I like when dramatic movies have a romantic angle too.

Too my biggest fan, my faraway friend. You know who you are. I love you. You are my muse! I love writing and writing to you is such a bonus. Keep reading please.

Peace

dumbdavid

Sunrises and Sunsets

There is nothing like sharing a sunrise or sunset with the one you love. It is a special gift just between the two of you. I have someone now who appreciates the sunrises and sunsets like me. It's incredible. Life is amazing that you have to wait until your in your mid 40's to really appreciate things. I guess I wasn't ready yet for this happiness. It is totally worth the waiting now. Even apart, it stills feels so good right now. 34 hours now. I can't wait. 11 glorious nights together. Life is good now.

Peace

dumbdavid

Negativity no more....

Happiness is communicating with the one you love. It's funny I started this blog so long ago filled with negativity. Now I feel hope and love. I hope it lasts. This change in my life is wonderful. It's hard to believe it's really happening. I am blessed now.

Touch. I was a starving man in the desert before. Now, I am a glutton waiting for every morsel to savor. I know why babies need touch. I just didn't realize as a grown man how much I had been missing until now. I feel like a heroin junkie waiting for my next fix. It's wonderful.

Can't wait for Thursday. Tick Tock. Every second of every minute of every hour drags on. Maui on my mind. Walking the beach with that special person. It will be heaven.

Peace

dumbdavid

Three little words

It amazes me what three words can do. It is so hard to say them and yet they carry so much weight. Hearing them back is like the sun shining after a horrible thunderstorm. I am blessed that I went ahead and took the leap. It was worth the risk to my soul. Life is about risks versus hiding in a shell. I am living now and not riding the bus like that old asshole. Enough of him. I will live my life and be in love.

Here is a tribute. I could not ask for more...





Peace

dumbdavid

Together

Together! I love the sound of that. Even though miles can separate two people. You are still together. The connection between two people that bridges the distance and time apart. I love the Yin/Yang symbol. It fits so perfectly now in my life. I have found the Yin to my Yang. A perfect symmetry exists between us. We fit each other like a key and lock.

It's an amazing feeling of completeness. There is a balance between us. We have a teeter totter balance. Up and down we level the other person when they are stressed and they return it when I am stressed. I couldn't imagine this. I think I finally know how my parents made it 43 years together. I never had an appreciation before.

Thank you. You wonderful, beautiful person who balances me.

Peace

dumbdavid

Maui

The chance to go to Hawaii has come up in the future. I thought I would never have a chance to see those wonderful sunsets again. I was a teenager back when I was last there. You can't appreciate the beauty of a sunset like those in Hawaii until you have lived some of life's hard lessons.

I thought I would never have a chance at love again in my life but it appears that yes I do get one more chance. God, I worry that I will say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing and this person will go away. I have to let go like the Serenity Prayer says. I can't control everything. I just have to be myself and let happen what will happen. I am just so grateful now. It's wonderful to be in this part of my life after so much has happened. I really appreciate the goodness of this moment. I want to savor every morsel I have in this relationship.

Maui and the one you love. Could anything be more perfect. I can't thing of it.

Peace

dumbdavid

Facebook

I would have never believe Facebook would change my life, but it did. It's a wonderful thing. I have heard that this isn't a unique experience but it feels that way to me. Writing a new story I needed a love song from WWII. I blindly found the song by Glenn Miller "Always in my heart" it fit my story and my life at the same time. Who would have known a song that is sixty plus years old could do that. Sure the music is dated but the sentiment isn't. Here it is.

Glenn Miller Always in my Heart:

You are always in my heart
Even though you’re far away
I can hear the music of
The song of love
I sang with you
You are always in my heart
And when skies above are grey
I remember that you care
And then and there
The sun breaks through

Just before I go to sleep
There’s a rendezvous I keep
And a dream I always meet
Helps me forget we’re far apart
I don’t know exactly when, dear,
But I’m sure we’ll meet again, dear,
And my darling, till we do
You are always in my heart!

W. you are always in my heart!

I could not ask for more by Edwin McCain

Has there ever been a more perfect song for two people.

Lying here with you
Listening to the rain
Smiling just to see the smile upon your face
These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments I'll remember all my life
I found all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more
Looking in your eyes
Seeing all I need
Everything you are is everything to me
These are the moments
I know heaven must exist
These are the moments I know all I need is this
I have all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more
Chorus
I could not ask for more than this time together
I could not ask for more than this time with you
Every prayer has been answered
Every dream I have's come true
And right here in this moment is right where I'm meant to be
Here with you here with me

These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments I'll remember all my life
I've got all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more

Chorus

I could not ask for more than the love you give me 'Coz it's all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more
I could not ask for more


It's simply perfect and I could not ask for more. To my faraway friend.

Peace

dumbdavid

Southern Cross

I like traveling. I like to take road trips. I like discovering new things. Zoos, Boats, Mansions, Duluth and camping. These are things I am looking forward to this year. Each day is getting better. Little by little the outlook has changed. The ship has turned to a new compass heading. The wind is at my back and the sails are filling. I love the Crosby, Stills, and Nash song Southern Cross. It's a sad song but the imagery of sailing the south pacific.

Got out of town on a boat
Goin' to Southern islands.
Sailing a reach
Before a followin' sea.
She was makin' for the trades
On the outside,
And the downhill run
To Papeete.
Off the wind on this heading
Lie the Marquesas.
We got eighty feet of the waterline.
Nicely making way.

Does it get any better than that. I want to sail around the world. I and I know who with.

Peace

dumbdavid

Writing

I have started writing a Grateful journal. This was a homework assignment. I am to include positives and negatives in my life with a positive spin. Example on the negative, I hate icy roads, but I am grateful for it because I must focus more on my driving. I sometimes don't pay attention enough. Music! I don't talk on my cell phone except for calls from my dad. Those are very short though because he agrees with me about not talking and driving.

I am so grateful for some of the changes in my life recently. 2011 has started out on such a positive note. I am still writing. I started my new short story today. It took me a while to think of how I could structure it. I also had to do some research for back story. I am excited to show it to my friend. Coffee was excellent this morning. I had French Roast while I wrote.

I am going to my daughters Dr. appointment Monday. She has a knee surgery. Her little boyfriend wants to come along. I told her I was going to intimidate him. She was like, "Nooooooo". I laughed so hard. I'll be nice. The sun is shining outside today and in my heart. Very little negativity today.

Peace

dumbdavid