Grey Eagle

     R. and I have driven twice now to Grey Eagle to retrieve her property.  Today her ex was there.  It's his land.  He was nice enough to deposit her belongings in the back 40 with the wood ticks and mosquitoes.   Today he threw a tantrum like a two year old.  Because she left he wants her car gone and engine he was supposed to be done rebuilding gone.  I think he volunteered to do this by July 4th but is no where near finishing.  The car was drivable so we brought it back here.  We had no means available to haul an engine.  So we will have to make arrangements.  He is also being nice enough to charge her for storage of car and property since she left.  What a jerk.  He was all nice to me introducing himself.  He has me by an inch or two and twenty pounds.  He is a putz though.

     I was glad I was there today.  At first it seemed like everything would be smooth sailing.  The tide turned fast just like the weather.  I watched peripherally at the action to make sure everyone played nice.  It was just like when I was a cop.  Except this time I was a participant instead of just a referee.  We have to go back again tomorrow to pick up R. daughter.

     R. and I keep growing closer and closer.  Today was the first time I have seen her upset.  I was glad it wasn't me she was mad at.  I learned that a persons word means a lot to her.  She told me what a great man I am.  I feel like a little bit of an imposter.  I am good man but not great.  I told her I have faults.  I do.  She has no clue about my money problems.  I have made so many mistakes.  She keeps telling me how lucky she feels to have found me.  I am the lucky one.  I never thought this would happen.  I had lost hope.  I thought I would be alone forever.  I think it took so long for me to heal and discover who the real David is.  I have found this gratitude and acceptance for who I am.  I have normal weaknesses  but I have the one great strength.  I have a large heart.  R. told me so.  I always knew it.  It's scarred and damaged but still beating.  I have so much love to give and R. will receive it.  She deserves it. 

     R. described why the relationship failed with K.  Religion of all things.  Those darn Catholics.  How could you let someone so great as R. go because she won't convert.  I accept R. totally.  I know I can't change her and wouldn't if I could.  We are here now because of everything that has passed.  Our paths crossed and blended into one.  That's all that matters.

Peace

dumbdavid


 

A family affair

Good morning.  It's early and my girls are sleeping upstairs.  My new "family" is asleep upstairs.  It's strange saying that.  My daughter believes that I have run off and found a new family to replace her.  That's not true.  I fell in love.  R.  has children from a previous ugly marriage.  She has parents and a sister, aunts and uncles.  I have no one but Dad and T.  Yesterday was a great visit with Dad.  We worked on his plumbing where my girl showed of her handy skills and drank a beer with Dad during his "happy hour".  She made mega points on his board.  All she has left to do is keep being nice to me and maybe make him a dinner sometime. 

Today is another test for me.  I get to meet R.'s sister and brother in-law.  We are spending the night at her parents for Fathers day and his birthday.   I am a little nervous.  I am out of practice with family settings.  I do better one on one.  Group settings and being on stage make me very nervous.  I know the liquor will be flowing tonight too.  I am not worried about drinking for me but just being around the sights and sounds of intoxicated people is stressful. 

We watched Kill Bill vol. II last night as a family.  The lights were off and R. and I cuddled on the couch.  It could have been any movie and I would have been content.  Making it one of my favorites made it priceless.  I love sharing movies with R. and E. that they haven't watched.  R. is easy to like them but E. a little tougher because of the age separation.  She didn't appreciate Caddyshack. Well what could I expect.  She doesn't golf and the 80's stuff and actors went right over her.    Well got to wake the girls up.  How did I get so lucky.

Peace

dumbdavid

If Anyone Falls

Stevie Nicks sings, "If Anyone Falls." Turns out we both did. What a nice evening. Fixed dinner for my girls while R. mows the backyard. E. comes downstairs and cleans off the dining room table. Such a family setting I find myself wondering if I am in a good Twilight Zone. When does the stress and drama start. I know I shouldn't worry about such stuff. I can't help it. My history almost demands the bad stuff to start up. It taunts me, how dare you be happy. That's not in the cards for dumbdavid. He doesn't deserve this. This joy of normalcy and love. I feel like a stranger in a strange land. I fell through the looking glass and time is running out. I am late, I am late for the nightmare to start. I wish I could quiet those thoughts. Just let go as my recovery literature says. I guess it's part of my addiction. Misery love company and my misery feels neglected. I feel so pathetic for thinking these thoughts. I am really happy today. I have to go to work later but this is about as good as it gets. Ordinary World by Duran Duran is playing now. How convenient? Grieving the loss of a relationship. I am grieving the loss of chaos and darkness. I'll take this love and joy. I will survive and adapt as always. Adapting to happiness will certainly be easier than the bad stuff.

Peace

dumbdavid

One Month!

Well today is my one month anniversary with R. since our first date. It's a small milestone in one sense and huge in another. Everything seems copacetic. She is so easy to be around. R. loves and supports me even when I am stressed out. I hope I don't screw this up. She is the perfect woman for me. I struggle still with my insecurity's. I try to be the best man I can be but come up short I am sure. I love her and her me. It has come on so naturally. It's funny I held back saying it until she did. I even told her, as we hinted around the word, that I couldn't say it until she did. Even then I felt like I was holding back. Once the gate was opened, the love flowed like a river over a dam. There are so many little things R. does that mean a lot to me. Mostly, it's the look in her eyes. The touch of her hand or lips on mine that shows me how much she loves me. It's not just words anymore. It's those moments when she curls into me in bed. She pulls me in close to her so become one.

Peace

dumbdavid

It never goes away does it?

Well, last night the world got shaky. I told my daughter I moved in with my girlfriend R. My daughter sounded upbeat and positive on the phone. Of course, a half hour later my ex called me. Turns out all is not good in Whoville. I found out it's the same thing with her. She feels like she is not wanted or part of the family here. I hung up the phone with her and the first thought I had was drinking. I wanted to come inside and drink some beers. I wanted to feel that numb fog. I was torn between telling R. about these feelings. She could clearly see how upset I was. She held me and told me we would work through it. She is awesome. I had to tell her. Her daughter was also supportive sitting there witnessing my reactions. I asked her to step out of the room so I could talk to R. I told R. about my drinking thoughts. I want to be honest with her. She knows the past I bring. She just covers me with love and support. We will work through this. I will call my daughter today and work this out. E. has offered to share her bedroom with T. That is so huge. I feel like an intruder here still. It's home for me now but I am still waiting to be told to get out. I think this time it's right. We are the perfect match I think. I believe it's real this time. Hopefully my daughter will adjust. It wouldn't be fair if she didn't. I love them all. Please let it work out.

Peace

dumbdavid

Home

Home is where the heart is. My heart is here. I am moving in with R. Truth be told I have been here almost every day for the last three weeks. I am just moving my stuff in to catch up with me and my heart. I told my Dad today. He took it pretty well. I know he is concerned I am rushing things and will screw it up. I am afraid I will screw it up. I am afraid I will get moved in and she will get sick of me. R. is away at an art show for today and tomorrow. I miss her so much. I think it's good to be apart. A little breathing room won't hurt us. It will make it better. I have a new poem for R. It's called Home. I don't want to publish here because I am afraid of copyright infringement now. So much has changed in the last three weeks. I went from being alone to being in love. How is this possible? How did I get so lucky to find the one woman I wanted and needed. She is wonderful. What she sees in me will always keep me in awe. I write her poems and she cries. I tell her things and she cries. She tells me a hundred times how much she loves and then, surprise actually shows me how much she loves me. It makes me so sad I was married for so long and it wasn't like this. I have never seen her upset or mad. We haven't argued or had a disagreement. It's unbelievable. I hold my breath afraid to wake up. Will it last? I hope and dream yes.

Peace

dumbdavid