"If love were enough"

I just watched Grey's Anatomy episode with the train crash. A dying patient had a dying message for her fiance. She said, "if love were enough she would still be there with him." It was a metaphor for the decision Derek made to stay with his wife. Meredith was left broken hearted. Derek was even emotional as he told Meredith.

I am so stupid sitting here quoting a TV show. Right now this blog is my only emotional sounding board. I work through my emotions by writing down then re-reading and digesting what I have written. It's strange but it works. I guess it is a sad statement on where my life is right now.

When I started writing this post I was thinking about Meredith being not chosen. I feel bad for her because I have been there. It was a little different. The person I had been seeing had moved on while still seeing me. It was then just over. We had broken up several times and gotten back together. Musical chairs in love and ending up without a chair. That's me.

peace

dumbdavid

Happy Birthday Bro,

I just finished working two overnight shifts. I realized as Wednesday turned into Thursday that it was my brother's birthday on the 27th. I meant to write when I got home but was tired and distracted and forgot. He would have been 45 years old. It's very strange. He still seems older than I at 40 even though he died at age 19. My Mom use to be very good about going to his grave on his birthday and Christmas and on the day he died, Feb. 20th.

I don't go to his grave much. I think it's been less than ten times total. I should go again because his marker needs upkeep. The cemetery had a strange rule about single people could only have flush mounted stones. Married people could get up right. The grass and dirt try to creep over the white marble marker.

Scott committed suicide at age 19. He was a free spirit who tried lots of things but didn't stick to anything. He got deeply involved with drugs and I believe they impacted on his depression. Who knows if it was depression or drugs that came first. It is a moot point. His drug use kept me away from them. It also gave me a false impression of how safe drinking was. I thought as long as I was drinking it wasn't so bad. Ha!

Scott was five years older than I. We still did lots of things together. He use to tell wild shit just to shock me. He never tried to push drugs on me. He got really pissed once when one of his friends offered me a joint. He told his friend to never do it again. Losing a sibling is really hard. There are quite a few psychological books on the subject. I miss you Scott. Happy Birthday, dumbass!

peace

dumbdavid

Garden State of Mind

I was re-reading my last post. I watched Garden State again tonight. The poem I wrote, "A life in moving pictures" is a lie to myself. It is the denial of my loneliness. I watch movies like Garden State to surreptiously steal some the joy of the characters finding each other [Andrew and Sam]. There is something so magical in the first moments of a relationship. It is better than heroin. No drunk ever felt as good as that first kiss. I can close my eyes and re-live the first moment we had together of my last relationship. Standing so close it crushes your chest making it hard to breathe or believe it's real.

I wonder if I will find that ever again. Do I even deserve it at this point. All I wanted was to be loved by that special person. I didn't even care about the repercussions. I was selfish, greedy, and insensitive. Karma has come around and caught up with me.


Weeds

Reaping all that I have sown, yes
My garden of weeds grows around me
Stand knee deep in my failure

Dull tools can't dig out deep rooted
Neglect and Malfeasance I've done
Pulling with bare bleeding hands

Weeds multiply faster than pulled
Twisted around ankles falling in
Putrid rotting failure surrounds


peace

dumbdavid

A life in moving pictures

I just watched "Igby goes down". I bought it at a video store for 2.95 as a used vhs rental. It's almost as cheap as renting it. I won't bore with the details except the ending. Igby's mother is played by Susan Sarandon. She has cancer in the movie and her oldest son assists her suicide. Igby is the younger son. He realizes too late that he should of apologized to her before she died. He becomes distraught. I didn't realize that this was going to take place.

The day my mother died I didn't get really really upset. I guess it was shock. I had tried to prepare myself because it was getting close leading up to it. I watched Igby break down and I fell apart too. I hadn't conciously thought about guilt and my mom. I guess I do feel guilty. I know I should of spent more time with her that last year. I made excuses as why I could only stay for short visits. It's sad thinking back now at how selfish I was. She was suffering so much and I couldn't stay with her long. I respect how much my dad committed to her that last year.

I wrote the title of this post, "A life in moving pictures". I must be pretty dysfunctional. It takes movies and television shows to get me to write about these fucked up feelings I have. It was so much easier when I drank. I could just try and numb it. I remember now, that didn't work either. I would get really drunk and then watch "Ordinary People" or "Prince of Tides". I would break down of course and the steam would be relased for awhile. I always internalize. Deny the pain I am feeling. I must be pretty narcisstic in writing all this shit down. I could only be so lucky that no one reads this.

A life in moving pictures


I really don't mind being alone

The moments pass in my simple control


A multitude of mundane decisions easy

Better than asking anothers opinion


Celluoid snapshots fluttering past

A life in moving pictures


Surround sound choked sobs

Are the moments when it's empty


The understanding and comfort are lacking

Who is going to wipe the tears?



peace

dumbdavid

Good News/ Bad News

I found out I was getting a small pay raise effective this Monday. Yeah! I am underpaid compared to my co-workers. I received a letter today telling me my drivers license had been suspended for child support arrears. I was unemployed for over four months earlier this year. I have been paying since June but I guess because I am now over 3K behind it doesn't matter. They based my child support on the good paying job I had over five years ago. It kept going up each year with cost of living changes. Meanwhile, dumbdavid has worked his way down the ladder. I have changed jobs, been fired by senile employer, and unemployed over last two years. I pay over five hundred a month in child support. I love my daughter more than anything but I am in poverty right now. I make 9.30hr starting monday. I barely can afford rent and necessities. They passed a law that takes effect January 2007 that is suppose to balance child support. I can't afford to fight in court to change current support amount. I have talked to several guys who tried and were denied. They ended up owing legal fees and were no better off. I can't even file bankruptcy because it doesn't effect child support, taxes, or student loans, my three biggest debts. My coworkers make over 17.00hr as fulltime employees. I am just a temp and must wait up two years to get picked up. If, the company choses to hire me full time.

I am two hundred miles from my daughter with no way to see her. I moved up here before my Mom died. My ex won't bring her to me and I have no tranportation down there. I have become an absent father. This is the worst thing ever. I knew when I got divorced I had to stay invovlved with my daughter. I even moved to be in the same town as her [two hour move]. I didn't expect the job problems and eviction would happen. I don't know how much longer I can take this.

I am listening to Colin Hay sing "I don't think I'll ever be over you" from the Garden State soundtrack. He is the weird eye guy from the group Men Down Under. It is a sad song about love lost and longed for. I don't want E. or J. back. I am sad and lonely. Pathetic I know, but it has been a rocky five years since the divorce. I went from a rocky marriage to dysfunctional relationship on rebound. I can't even get a date now because I am ashamed, yes ashamed, of my current situation. I live in a motel and have no car. I look at the other residents here. There are some college kids, but mostly losers like me. My dad complained the other day. He said he made over 90K for five years and now he is bickering with McD's over 6.50 hr. He is 65 and can't afford to retire. My mom's illness wiped him out.

I think about drinking. It's sad, because I know the outcome would be so severe. I don't know if I could look at myself in the mirror if I drink. I guess, the fear keeps me sober. My coworkers talk about drinking all the time. It is weird. I don't remeber talking so much about drinking just doing it. If anyone is reading this, take a drink for me. I miss it sometimes but mostly not. It's great waking up with no hangeovers.

Hangeovers

The sunlight too bright blinding
Hammers brain fuzzed out again

Shower starts blood thinned flowing
It's a four ibuprofen day again

Jumpstart with a liter of Dew
Countdown 'til a cold brew

Stop off pick up cold case
Take the empties watch the clock

It's five o'clock somewhere
Pop a cold one yes that's it

Work the buzz not too fast
Drunk, oh well, pop one more

peace

dumbdavid

Thursday OT blahs!

I am working a second 4 hour overtime shift tonight. I worked last night for four hours too. I am feeling kind of low and worn out. I still have this weekend to work too. Didn't win the powerball, what a shock. The stock I inherited when my mother died was making a solid gain when it turned into the toilet again. I feel like shit. Did some housework today along with two loads of laundry. Went to Taco Johns for lunch. I got an Apple Grande for desert. Hadn't had one since I was a kid. We used to ride our bikes to Diamonhead Mall in Burnsville and get them there. It had a really small Taco Johns in it. The mall was converted over in the last couple years to a school district building. Progess sucks.

peace

dumbdavid

Extreme Home Makeover: Camp Barnabus

I just watched a touching episode of Extreme Home Makeover. The show gets me teary eyed each time I watch it. The Teas Family runs the Barnabas camp for disable kids. It is an amazing story of giving. It reminded me of when I was in sixth grade. There was a girl in my class, whose name was Suzy. She had the bad luck of being born with Muscular Dystrophy and Cerebal Palsy. I grew up in the seventies and mainstreaming kids was a new idea. She spent part of the day in our classroom and part in the special ed room. Each day our teacher would ask for a volunteer to help with Suzy's phys ed. We would skip our own phy ed class and stay and do something with Suzy. Suzy made a lasting impression on me. She never complained and laughed a lot during our time together. I heard she went through school along with her class all the way through high school. I moved away in seventh grade and lost touch. I ran into an old classmate a few years ago. They said that Suzy had gone to prom and was elected as prom queen. It wasn't a "Carrie" sick joke either. Suzy had just made such a lasting impact on her classmates they wanted to thank her some way. She graduated with them too.

I like a lot of people get very self centered worrying "whoa is me!" It's so easy to forget about the real challenges other people face. It was obvious that the experience at the camp really had an impact on the design crew. Suzy had a positive effect on me. The world need more people like the Teas and Suzy. It would be a better place.

Fathers

I was watching Law and Order SVU: tonight. Christopher Meloni's is an actor who plays Det. Elliot Stabler in the show is struggling with anger. He ended up tonight at a therapist after beating up his ex-partner. The therapist quickly waded through his tough guy image. Elliot had beaten up his ex-partner because the partner was in the process of assaulting his son. The therapist asked Eliot about his father. He tried at first to act like nothing was out of ordinary [common defense mechanism]. Elliot eventually recalled an event where his father beat him with a belt calling him a failure. I wasn't expecting it. I started crying, of course. It's hard not too when you have been on the receiving of such a beating.

I have never discussed this with my father as an adult. I don't plan on it either. I have forgiven him in the only way I can. We have a pretty good relationship now simply based on need. He is my only parent left since my Mom died in April. I am his only child since my older brother died in 1980. It's funny. He never said "I love you," to me as I grew up. It has taken the loss of my mother to open up. I am grateful for this even though I still deal with the leftovers of my childhood.

I was doing research on the web today. I am working on my second book of poetry. I was sorting through my collection of poems for suitable ones. I found a poem I had written earlier this year. I have had trouble maintaining or beginning relationships with people. I wrote, "Boy in the Bubble", about my difficulty with people socially. I was searching the web for info about attachment disorder. It sometimes is hard when you have minor in psychology, you only know vague descriptions. I found a website Avoidant Personality Disorder that has information on something I might be suffering from. It really described a lot of things that made sense to me. It is limited help because I have no health insurance. I have been considering seeing a doctor because of my depression again. I could bring up this subject too.

peace

dumbdavid

Amazon.com comes through!

My book is now available through Amazon.com. Drinking, Denial, Damage, Done

I am excited. My first order has been shipped and should arrive any day. I have started working on my second book tentatively titled, 10-8 Stories from the Street. It covers poems about my time as a Police Officer.

Glass half empty.....

There are people who look at the world as a glass half empty or half full. I was watching Greys Anatomy tonight. A patient told the main character she looked empty and she admitted she felt it. The show ended with her monologue about wanting more than what she got. I understand that. I don't want the person I use to be with. The time I had with her is over. It was an unhealthy relationship and I am stronger because of it. I still want her in the sad dream like way. I want the essence of her not the real thing. I want the picture of her and not her mess. I mean who wants to compete with three other men for her attention. That's how it ended, for us. I walked away after she played me. I let her. I was so desperate at the end it was sad. Time has given me perspective and I have learned. It has been a long four years since it ended.

I am growing a goatee. It is stupid and screams of mid-life crisis. Think of Ned Flanders from the Simpsons then add the goatee. That's a pretty good description of how I look. I don't care either. I like to joke about not having self esteem. "You can't have low self esteem if don't have any." I am definitely a half full guy. The only thing fufilling in my life is my daughter. My writing is the only thing that keeps me from going crazy. I have started assembling my second collection of poems. It will consist mostly of poems involving my police work. You meet some interesting people as a cop. You also see some really tragic things. This a poem for the new book.


12


Police academy doesn't prepare
The horror and tragedy I've seen

Eyes closed the movies play over
They rewind again and again

First on scene what comes next
Drive the family and request

Can't change the outcome now
What if and if and if we did

One boy slipped under water
Drowning in a full plain view

The other was run over his head
Twelve year old boys die again

Late at night all is quiet
Movies still playing inside



New poem for book, doesn't do the two boys justice I am afraid.

I am left with their faces in my memories along with the others who I saw die. They don't tell you that in school either. I don't remember their names anymore. I will never forget how they died though. Life is not fair and sometimes it's damn cruel and unforgiving.

peace

dumbdavid