Foggy Day

It's a foggy day here. I am reminded of where I was stationed in Germany. It was dreary during the winter. It was cold standing guard duty in the drizzle and fog. My daughter is visiting, Yeah!

New messages from my friend. It is great writing her back and forth. She is the best. We are both on journeys of growth. Life is about living and not existing. We agree about this.

I will keep this short. It's a good day even though I caught a cold. Yuck. At least it isn't the flu.

Peace

dumbdavid

Inception

I watched the movie Inception last night. It was magical. It reminds me what is best about movies. They make you think, feel and transport to places that could never exist. The movie is about the idea of dream sharing, going into the minds of someone who is dreaming with nefarious intentions. The title regards the idea of implanting the Inception of an idea into the sub-conscious without the dreamer realizing the idea isn't theirs.

The movie reminded me of several other movies. The concept of what is real and what is a dream. First is Vanilla Sky with Tom Cruise. This movie is based on a Spanish film Abre Los Ojos [Open your eyes]. The premise in Vanilla Sky is would you live in a dream state where everything is perfect or would you choose to exist in the real world with pain and suffering is everyday 24 hour a day reality.

Dreamscape is an 80's movie with Dennis Quaid. He has the ability to enter other people dreams through an ESP type ability. The president is having nightmares and he is recruited to help. Another ESP type, is recruited by the bad guys to kill the president in his dreams to make it look like a heart attack. It's cheesy except the bad guy is from the Movies Warriors and Commando. He actually steals his scenes.

What would your ideal dream existence be. Is there a lost loved one you would keep alive forever even if they weren't real. Would you go insane. Inception was excellent.

Peace

dumbdavid

Merry Christmas

Well, Merry Christmas everyone... all that shit. Scrooged is one of my favorite Christmas movies. A Christmas Story is another I watch every year. It's a Major Award!

Thank goodness, Chuck turned out okay. It wasn't a stroke. I had actually a pleasant phone call yesterday afternoon with my ex. She thanked me for checking on how Chuck was doing. She actually fell trying to help him down the stairs hurting herself. No good deed goes unpunished.

Do you guys go all festival this time of year? I don't. I don't decorate or go out. I am not a miserable Scrooge. It's just tough this time of year when you are alone on the holidays.

Peace

dumbdavid

Typing sucks

I hated typing class in high school. I passed with a rate of 32 words per minute when I was tested. I still type about the same. I get frustrated because the thoughts in my head are faster than the words on the screen. Throw in the typos and bad spelling and it's a train wreck. I am glad I took the class though. I don't know how any writers do it in longhand form. I guess you could agonize over each word then. I just prefer the electronic form. I learned on a typewriter. Boy did that suck. How did secretaries back in the day deal with carbons and white out. Fuck.

I picked up a couple books from the library. Two are short story collections and the other is a editing, revision manual. I read some Glimmer Train short stories last night. It was interesting seeing other writers style. I still have a lot to learn.

Still waiting.

I have heard my ex father in-law may have had another stroke. He is at the hospital. My ex-wife and mother in-law are there now too. He has had a hard road with kidney cancer and complications.

Today is my daughters Birthday. A shout out for the Big 14 "T". I love you and you are the world too me. I wish we had more time together. You rock!!!

Peace

dumbdavid

The damage we do

It is amazing the spirit of forgiveness and acceptance in people. I don't always understand it, certainly when it pertains to me. Sometimes I feel I shouldn't be forgiven for my sins. I fight the feelings that I deserve what I have gotten.

My characters in my new story fight the residual guilt from their actions. How does life move on after disasters in life choices. I wrote about Hurt people hurt earlier. I also think Hurt people withdraw. I am an example of that. Learning to reach out again is hard and dangerous. Fire burns, children learn this early. How do you get close enough to the fire to warm your heart and not get third degree burns? The million dollar question.

Peace

dumbdavid

New story

I started a new story on Sunday. I have written 11 pages already. It is flowing pretty good. It is kind of a homecoming story for a guy with issues. He has lived away from his hometown for over ten years. He is having to start over from scratch. No it's not autobiographical. It seems that as I write I am able to fix things quicker. I write for a while then I edit what I have written. I woke up this morning with some ideas. I turned the computer on then went to make coffee. I went and added to my notes to the story so I wouldn't forget the ideas. I have done a character list with each persons background. I also have a plot trajectory. This is new for me. I usually just wing my story going from a start I usually have and an end point I am aiming for. I actually had numerous key plot points that will shape the trajectory of the story. I am open to changes as I wrote. I already discovered something about a main character I hadn't originally planned on.

Went to another counseling session today. My stupid printer wouldn't work so I couldn't print my journal. The receptionist would let print off my thumb drive on her computer. I understand, viruses and all. We talked about life goals, finances, work and my surgery today. She wants me to visualize a successful outcome for my surgery everyday leading up to the surgery. I'll play along. I know visualizing works with pro athletes. I haven't heard from my friend for a couple of days and I am worried. Hope they are okay.

Peace

dumbdavid

Monday, Monday

Well I woke up in a better mood. Coffee helps. I started a new story yesterday. It's the first new one in a couple of years. I think it will be my toughest. I actually had an easy start to it. The intro is usually kind of tough for me. This one just kind of rolled out. I struggle with names too sometimes.

My daughter is coming for a shortened visit next week. I am excited to see her. I have some things planned for the four days she is here. We will do some shopping, some swimming. We'll spend some time with my dad too. I don't know how many more visits my daughter has left with him.

I'll be glad when the Christmas music stops too.

Peace

dumbdavid

Hurt people hurt

I watched Greenburg today. No Vikes game. I give it 3 out 4 stars. Ben Stiller was good in the lead role. Ben is a jerk trying to do nothing. He finally at the end admits he's wrong and that he likes the girl.

Well hurt people can also withdraw. That is my speciality. I try reaching out but it never works. I am trying now but we will see what the outcome is. I won't hold my breath. I am tired tonight and down. Weekends are tough now for me.

Peace

dumbdavid

Doom

I am sweating this meeting that starts at 10am with human resources. It should be okay with them telling me they don't have work fitting my restrictions. I am worried they will just release me at this point. I don't have any control so there. This company doesn't care about my health. Clearly, by them sticking me back on my machine so many times after I was on Light Duty shows this.

It sucks when you are so unhappy with your employment. I never wanted to be a factory bee. I went back to school to get away from the factory but well you all know how that turned out. I am not blaming anyone, it was my fault. I chose a different path through woods and thickets. I got all the thorns I deserved. Now what to do with the rest of my life.

It's a bad day for me. Definitely going to be tough to come with three good things. I am not sure about my current meds either. We'll see.

Peace

dumbdavid

Egg Nog

Can you believe I had never tried egg nog before? I was egged on by friends to try it{pun intended}. I bought a pint and brought it home. 170 calories for a half cup, talk about fattening. It was very good. I was pleasantly surprised. I am glad I took the risk. My friends helped me to discover new and exiting things.

I am worried about tomorrow at work. I am meeting again with D. human resources and D. my supervisor. I think that they will just say they have no work matching my restrictions. I just hope they don't fire me. My short term disability has ended. I think I am on long term disability. I don't know if this impacts my pay or not. I hope not. I would definitely have to move then.

I watched Hud today with Paul Newman. It was really good, tragic. I disliked Hud's character. I never guessed the ending. I am usually pretty good figuring things out. He ended up with an empty ranch and no one in his life. Feels almost a little too close to home. I am afraid my dad will die and I will get his cabin and have no one in my life. Luckily I have a new friend and my wonderful daughter.

Peace

dumbdavid

Constructive not destructive

Ugggh!! I am pissed. I am fucking mad. Frustration is such an understatement. Only my ex can cause these feelings. My Christmas break with my daughter is being cut short by three days. Of course my ex gets her way. That is why I divorced her. It has to be her way or she falls down on the ground like a two year old and throws a tantrum. Waaaaaaa!!!!!

The worst part is that she makes me crazy. First I wanted to break something. I carefully set my cell phone down and stomped around a little. Next, I thought, "I want to get drunk." Wrong answer. I am not going to let a crazy lady make me drink. E. made me crazy enough to drink one time, the last time. I said no more. So, I am sitting at the library venting to my friend and to you random, faceless people who don't read my blog.

Oh that's a pic of my ex above. Ha ha. Not far from it. Four more fucking years of dealing with her then she can fuck off. I am going home and taking long hot shower. My neck is killing me. Another wonderful side effect of her.

To my Faraway Friend, thank you for listening.

Peace

dumbdavid

Sharpen the Scapels

Well, after a long day at the Dr.'s office yesterday, two hours, I am going to have surgery January 26th to rebuild my elbow. Okay it's a tendon repair but it won't be fun. I am glad though. I had to fight for it. My QRC tried to convince me to just live with the pain and try to go back to work. She was nice and polite but it was clear she was on my employers side. I know that this doesn't guarantee I will be fixed completely. There is a chance of re-injury and/or complications including worse pain than I am in now. I know I couldn't go back as is. I saw the company nurse this morning and she was negative too. I almost hope I never go back to work there again. I know I would lose a great paying job but my morale is more important. I have decided that my happiness is more important than a few dollars an hour more.

Famous Dave's BBQ was most excellent last night. It's too bad it's so expensive and far away. Speaking of faraway, I keep hearing from my friend down south. I wish she was closer or I closer down there. Someday, I guess. We are both going through hard times recently. It's like have a lifeline across the miles.

Peace

dumbdavid

That was yesterday.....

Well I went for a walk yesterday, Sunday, at the mall. The Vikings game was rescheduled due to the Dome collapse. The mall was packed with zombies as I suspected. Had to dodge and change directions constantly. Heard the song "Enter Sandman by Metallica" as I passed Santa Clause. That was ironic.

My past jarred me out of my trance as I walked. I saw a women,shopping, who works as a temp now at work. She waved politely. She started out as a Service Master cleaner first. I made the mistake of asking her out. She said, "Oh, that's sweet." This was over a year ago. She is a nice enough lady though. It just felt like high school when you make the mistake of asking out a cheerleader. I was out kicking my coverage so to speak. She is too attractive I guess.

I don't even want to think about how many women I have asked out since I moved here. I only have had two dates with one woman last year. She was a party girl which I didn't know when I asked her out. She found my non-drinking an issue I am sure. All her Facebook pics show her out dancing and partying.

That was yesterday... a good Foreigner song.

Peace

dumbdavid

Not Sleeping

Well I just posted last nights post from home. Here it's now 7am and I have been awake since 5 for no reason. I have had problems going to sleep for the last couple of weeks. Occasionally I have this problem of waking super early and not being able to go back to sleep. I am hoping my exercise will help this. Walking with the zombies. One old guy told me to slow down as I passed as a joke I think. He looked like he was 80.

Caribou coffee again this morning. It was hard to wait until I got here for caffeine. If I made coffee at home and drank it here I would bounce out of my skin.

I don't have much else this morning.

Peace

dumbdavid

9 Years

Well I am sitting at home not connected to the internet. I wanted to catch my feelings fresh. Elliot Smith is spinning on CD. I was reading through my old dumbdavid entries from diaryland. It's funny how much has not changed in 9 years. Eileen broke up with me and I thought I would move on and grow. I figured 6 years was too long the last time but hey I guess not. I am not in love still with Eileen. It's just obvious I am still screwed up. It's probably the reason I can't get involved with anyone. I must reek of failure or low self esteem. I see it staring back in the mirror.

I watched a documentary tonight called Restrepo. It's about a platoon in Afghanistan. It made me reminisce about my time in the Air Force. I know I have had success in my life. I am not a total failure. It's just the major mistakes I have made that stick out like cactus thorns. The wounds I have left behind in my wake. Whoa, David's having a pity party.

I'm sorry good reader. I just wanted to be honest tonight. That was the whole point of this blog. Open my guts up and not repress my feelings. If I offend, I apologize. Tomorrow the water will run off my back and I will feel a little better. Tonight I spew. Blech@!!!

Peace

dumbdavid

Kryptonite

Well I just finished meeting with a workers comp lawyer. She was very nice. She explained things very thoroughly to me. I am not going to retain her yet though. She suggested I finish the medical treatment first and see what happens. She does believe I am being under paid by my employer.

Kryptonite refers to E. my last girlfriend. I told my therapist that E. was Kryptonite. I said that I had avoided advances by other women during my marriage. When E. approached me I was too weak to say no. Hence, she was Kryptonite to me. I know that is laying blame on her instead of me where it belongs. I was just trying to be funny I guess. Who knows what happens if she never approached me. I might still be drinking too.

I am not sleeping well. I can't get to sleep at night. It is very frustrating just laying there tossing and turning. I worry about too many things. Well that's all for today.

Peace

dumbdavid

Frosted trees

I went to my new therapist yesterday. I liked her. She seemed to know what she was doing. She is also a survivor of suicide. She lost her mother over 30 years ago. She wants me to journal each day. Writing three things that were positive each day. This morning driving to Caribou coffee I saw all the trees were frosted. It looked like they had been flocked like Christmas trees. It was very Christmas like.

She says writing in the journal has to do with re-framing. We went over several events in my life and discussed finding the positive in each. I told her how the suicide of my brother had help me help a small child after his older brother had drowned. I sat with him in the lobby of the ER consoling him until family members showed up. It was a police officer that had told me my brother was dead. I found it very circular. My therapist called it a "God" moment. That they didn't just happen, no coincidences. I don't know if I agree with the term "God" moment. I agree it is too strange to be just a coincidence. I just don't believe God intervenes in individuals lives. There is just to much pain and loss for there to be a "reason" or purpose for each tragedy. I don't know.

I guess I scared my dad yesterday. I told him that my therapist had lost her mother to suicide. He jumped to the conclusion that I had told her I was suicidal. I am not. I explained to him that I had to tell her all about my life history and then she shared about her mother. That calmed him down. I knew this would happen. I knew telling him would cause him extra stress.

Peace

dumbdavid P.S. my therapist hates this signature.

Just a dream......

Have you ever had a dream that was so real you didn't want to wake up. I had one of those last night. All the good things I wanted happening in my life were there. The sad part was my Mom was still alive in the dream too. I was able to talk to her. She was younger and healthier than I remember. The other part of the dream was work and relationship related. It sucked waking up. The same old pain in my elbow was there plus my back is acting up too the last few days. It's hell getting old.

There is an interesting movie with Robin Williams called What Dreams May Come. It is good. It's not a direct parallel to my dream last night. It is just interesting what are dreams mean. Why do we dream? I know it's the subconscious wrestling with unresolved issues. Most times I don't have vivid dreams. Last night it was like watching a movie, except I was an active actor in the movie. It ended too soon.

Well, I am praying for a friend who has a health scare. I hope everything is normal. She is great.

Peace

dumbdavid

Stranger in a strange land

Stranger in a stranger land, yes I was yesterday. I sat at a bar stool watching the MN Vikings play. It was very bizarre. The guys next to me kept doing Jagr bombs every time the Vikings scored. By the third quarter the effects were evident. There were glass coolers behind the bar showing all the bottled beer they offered. They sat mocking me in silence. The funny part I had more of an urge to order some food than beer. The bar/restaurant serves good food. It smelled like it. It was kind of strange reading all to bottle labels during commercials.

Saturday Dad seemed kind of surprised that I was going to actually go to a therapist too. Like just taking a pill would fix everything. It's hard to believe he is so unfamiliar with therapy. It's everywhere in public media. Even Tony Soprano went to therapy.

Money is getting very tight. I have to call my landlord and make some arrangements with him. I don't want to be evicted again. Once in a lifetime is enough. I can't move in with my Dad either. We would drive each other crazy. His smoking is so bad, three packs a day. I don't know how he keeps it up. He then complains about the taxes on cigarettes and alcohol. Irony. Paying to kill yourself.

Peace

dumbdavid

Friday at Caribou

It's Friday and another snowstorm is barreling in from the west. Happy, Happy, joy, joy. It might be over 6". They are saying that it will be light fluffy stuff instead of the heavy stuff.

Well, it's day four of the Lexapro experiment. I am never a good judge of when these drugs are working. I wish it was more like a painkiller. 15-30 after a pill you feel better. I guess that would be too much to ask. I talked to my dad yesterday. He joked that I need to see the Geico drill instructor therapist in the TV commercial, "to straighten me out." I know he meant well but it was still uncomfortable. I know he is worried because of my brother suicide. It's not the same. I am not saying I have never been to that dark place, I have. It's just now I am being proactive instead of waiting until I am at the bottom of the abyss.

Watched Grey's Anatomy last night. It's not as good as it was when it started. I miss George's sense of humor. What do you expect from a soap opera. I can't wait until Dexter season five comes out on DVD. I want to catch up to my friend for next season.

My daughter hurt her knee again. I guess it swelled up again this time. This is the second time she has hurt it at age 13. I hope she doesn't need surgery. She is too young to deal with this crap.

I ran into a co-worker yesterday at McDonalds. We use to call him Skull Cramps, because he got migraines all the time. Yesterday at noon he was suppose to be working but he's at McD's. He some release from the doctor to miss a couple days a month for the skull cramps. He's a jerk. I am not saying migraines are false but he is a jerk in general and he milks this for all it's worth. Ah, I am so negative this morning. I need to remember to let go of all the external shit I can't control.

Peace

dumbdavid

The truth, nothing but the truth

I called my dad like I usually do every Tuesday. I told him that I went to a new doctor. I first told him not to worry[that always works]. I finally admitted to him that I was getting my anti-depressants renewed. I thought I had previously told him that I had depression but I am guessing it was my mom I told. I could hear the fear in his voice. Overall, he was supportive. He said it was a good idea that I went in early instead of waiting. I am sure we will talk more on Saturday about this. He is so old school. His exposure to depression has been limited to only negative results. Nothing worked with my brother, my dads neighbor with bi-polar, and such. We'll see.

I also told dad about my talk with the lawyer regarding workers comp. The lawyer is highly respected in the field. She told me some things I already suspected about my job security. There is none. She has worked with my employer before. My dad was not very enthusiastic about seeing a lawyer now. He wants everything to play out before I hirer a lawyer. I think I will ask him to come to the appointment too. He has had a workers comp situation before too.

Watched a interesting independent movie last night "Special." I won't explain it but it was very interesting. It does deal with mental health and drug trials.

Is spring every coming back. I hate winter now. I don't ski anymore or snowmobile or fish. All I do in the winter is add weight, get dry skin, and crash. Such a life I lead.

I found one of my old short stories I thought I had lost in a computer crash. I have three stories I am currently working on. I submitted one, my tragedy, for publication but it was rejected. Looking back, I see how much work it still needed. That one is the closest to completion. I have a murder mystery that is pretty done except for editing. The one I found yesterday is a disaster tale. I am a little worried because I have been doing research on nuclear plants online. The guys with suits and no sense of humor are going to knock on my door soon. Good thing I surf the web in public spots now.

Peace

dumbdavid