Wedding Day/ Losing Mike D. to tragedy

Well, it's my wedding day.  It has been a hectic couple of prep days at the cabin.  Unfortunately yesterday talking to a neighbor of mine, he passed on sad news.  One of my childhood friends and groomsmen from my first wedding, Mike Dalsin, died tragically March 31st in a construction accident.  He was a roofing estimator for his family business.  He had worked the roofs of large commercial buildings for over 30 years.  He was up on the 31st of March estimating a roof when he stepped on a weak spot.  He fell through to his death many feet below.  I felt the air escape me yesterday and my stomach fall away on hearing of his death.  I had lost touch with Mike after my divorce.  I blamed him because of his religious and personal views seemed uneasy with my life choices.  I look back now in regret of losing one of my closest friends due to a women I barely know anymore.  I am sorry Mike.  I am sorry I wasn't a better friend.  I will miss you dearly for the rest of my life.  You were with me when my brother died in 1980 and it bonded us forever.  Thank you for your friendship and generosity over the years.  Rest easy brother.

Now,  a little over eight hours from now I will be getting married to a wonderful, beautiful, smart, funny and deeply caring woman.  She is the anti of my first wife.  Everything leading up to today has been a stark contrast to my first wedding.  I am not nervous or stressed about today or the future.  It is just hard to believe that it's happening after what I endured for so long.  After losing Mike, I worry about what would happen if I lost my bride to be, R.  I wanted to get drunk last night and make the pain stop.  I didn't drink even though I watched R. family drink it up.

Here are the lyrics to "No Day But Today" from the musical Rent.  It's so appropriate.

The heart may freeze or it can burn
The pain will ease if I can learn

There is no future
There is no past
Thank God this moment's not the last

There's only us
There's only this
Forget regret-- or life is yours to miss.
No other road
No other way
No day but today

There's only yes
Only tonight
We must let go
To know what is right
No other course
No other way
No day but today

I can't control
My destiny
I trust my soul
My only hope
is just to be

There's only now
There's only here
Give in to love
Or live in fear
No other path
No other way
No day but today

I open my heart once again to my greatest fear, abandonment.  I believe I have attachment disorder though I have never been formally diagnosed.   The loss of my brother at such a young age forever scarred me.  I have grown stronger and healed greatly but will always have that scar on my heart.  I know my relationships have suffered over the years because of this.  Unconsciously I would sabotage or leave relationships before they could leave me, except in a couple relationships where women left me.  So today I fling caution to the wind.  I say yes to love and a future of happiness.  She is standing beside me as an equal partner.  We are both survivors and it bonds us uniquely.  Our broken/abused hearts find love and solace in each others arms.  So I will say yes today.

No day but today!


Peace

dumbdavid