I got scared twice.
Yesterday, at work, I was doing a job I don't like very much. I was tired and thirsty and I thought, "God, a beer would taste great." It was such a strong thought. It came like a lightning out of the sky. I don't think about drinking very much. It's usually is in only an observation of other people talking about their drinking. I never think about drinking myself. Eight years of sobriety kind of puts you at ease. Whoa!
I just watched the movie Tully. I found the DVD at a garage sale for two bucks. I had wanted to see it for sometime. I am a fan of Law and Order CI. Julianne Nicholson use to be on it and she is in Tully. It's a story about family secrets, surprise. The father dies in the end of the movie. It's a suicide that made to look like a farm accident so the grown boys won't lose the farm.
The older son finds his father dead. I wasn't ready for his reaction and mine. My father is 68 and not in great health. I have been trying to prepare myself for what's certain to happen. I did the same when I knew my Mom was dying. I was overcome with sadness. I am afraid of his dying. I will be all alone then. It feels like I have failed as a son too. I don't know. I am rambling because I am upset and I wanted this down on paper, so to speak.
I grew up in a family of Secrets. I am going to be honest with my daughter no matter what. I have already talked to her about alcohol and my alcoholism. I don't think she understands yet but it's okay. I will keep talking to her in a positive way. I think this Memorial Day I will take her to my brothers grave to talk to her about drugs.
Dad, I am sorry I can never say the things I should. I am sorry I haven't always been there. I am sorry I have let you down. I can see in your eyes your disappointment. I am sorry you worry so much about me. I love you.
peace
dumbdavid
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