Garden State part deux

I just finished watching Garden State again. I highly recommend it. Go to IMDB for plot summary as I am too tired to summarize. I was at work on Thursday when something strange came over me. I was standing at the end of the production line where I am a temp. They pay 8.80 an hour to catch power sanding disks coming off the line and put them on a rack. A robot could do the same job, better. It doesn't require any brain power so I spend twelve hours daydreaming mostly. Thursday I was suddenly overcome with grief and sadness.

I just started thinking about my Mom. I thought about her last day alive. She was unconcious by the time I made it to the hospital. She had suffered another stroke. The doctor told us, my father and I, that there was nothing else they could do and her organs were shutting down. She had been on a ventillator for the previous nine months. The doctor it would be best to turn off the ventillator and keep her comfortable with medicine[morphine]. I can't imagine how "comfortable" dyings is but it looks to be the most horrible thing. Mom was unconcious but the suffering was there. I didn't get a last conversation with her like some do in the movies. I stayed with her during her last 23 hours except for eating meals with my dad. He went back to the hotel room to drink because he couldn't stand watching it happen. I felt like I had to stay so she wouldn't be alone.

The next day I went outside with my dad so he could have a smoke. I made it back to her room before him. He stopped to use the facilities. I found her dead. I wasn't there when it happened. She died in the ten minutes we were outside. I feel guilty for not being there. People, staff, tell me that they see it happen all the time. The patients seem to be aware when family leaves. The patients supposedly die then trying to save the family the pain of watching the end. It's all I have been doing the last fifteen months.

I watched Garden State for the first time before my mother passed away. I watched it again after and it really hit me hard. I identified with Large from the first viewing but having the context of my mothers death brought new emotional depth to me. I used to watch Ordinary People when I was feeling sad. I so identified with Jared and his loss of an older brother. I was never able to emotionally cope with my grief when I was younger. I drank to numb the pain of my brothers death. I have five years of sobriety now. I am finally, and slowly dealing with my Mother's death in a healthier way. I suppose to an outsider, watching a movie to help understand and cope with a death of a parent is odd. Well, I am odd.

I like what Sam says to Largeman torwards the end of movie, "That's life. If nothing else, its life. It's real, and sometimes it fuckin' hurts, but it's sort of all we have."

Yeah, it fuckin' hurts a lot.

peace

dumbdavid