Moonlight Mile

I take a big step tomorrow. I will be paying for the printing of my book. It will become a real thing. It was just electronic bits of information before. A paper copy is a tough phase for me to go through. It opens a can of worms for me. I am debating showing my father the book. I selfishly want him to be proud of my writing. I am afraid that it would cause him pain though if he reads it. It's been such a journey the last four years with some of these poems. I don't know if he would be able to see that or just the emotions of each one. There is anger and resentment in some of them. It was the only way I could deal with the onward death march my Mom was making. My father was an active participant and I have forgiven him. Okay, I haven't actually said "I forgive you." I have thought it through and realize I had to let those feelings go or they would eat at me.


I just finished watching the movie Moonlight Mile. It deals with loss of a couples daughter and fiance of the main character played by Jake Gyllenhaal. I had no expectations for the film. I was brought to tears of course. I seem to cry at everything now. It's a very good film. The tears are just another symptom of my ongoing depression. I am listening to the soundtrack to Garden State. I identify with the main character "Large" in Garden State. We both returned home for the funerals of our mothers. I guess my mother's death has triggered a new downward turn for me I can't seem to shake. I don't have healthcare right now. I am debating going to the doctor because I can't afford ongoing counseling. I have been in counseling off and on for four years with limited success. I have been prescribed three different anti-depressants during this time.

I have decided to take my writing to the next stage. I watched the extras of Garden State. Zach Braff spoke of the collection of stories he had that he turned into the screenplay for Garden State. I have been writing short narratives and saving them. These didn't fit into any poetry forms so I was just riffing and saved them. I also wrote the start of screenplay of the weekend I moved home. It will probably lead to nothing. It just feels good writing it down. I have lived so internalized in my life. Writing is like popping a zit. It lets the bad ooze out and then healing can begin. I just need to keep healing, get better.

peace

dumbdavid