August Storm

We just had a wicked storm pass through here with hail and high winds and at least an inch of rain. It was nice earlier today with the weather in the mid 70's. I rode my bike for about an hour hitting a couple of garage sales. You don't know what a convienance driving a car is until you are forced to walk or ride a bike full-time. My license was suspended and car towed for no insurance. I know it was stupid to drive it that way but I was out of work for four months at the beginning of this year. I could of gotten my license back around July 21st, but don't have the money needed to do it. I have to provide proof of insurance even though I don't own a car anymore. Impound lot kept it as abandoned since I couldn't pay towing or storage. I lost a lot of personal belongings in the car that they wouldn't let me retrieve. I am stuck where I am at with no transportation for job interviews out of town. I just can't see the situation getting better. I work as many hours as possible but don't get to keep much of my pay.

I am faced with filing for bankruptcy. I have a combined debt of over $122,000 including student loans, bank loans, credit cards and other things. No house mortage or current car loans are in this amount, don't have them. I sat down today adding up all my debts and did research. It sounds like it wil cost me at least $1000.00 to file bankruptcy which I don't have either. Basically I'm fucked! The student loans started at $35,000 consolidated with my ex-wifes. Interest has been kicking it up with the use of deferrments and forebarences.

My dad just told me recently that when he dies and I get his cabin that I have to pay off a $100,000 tax lien. I should clear about the same amount above paying off his lien. I feel terribly greedy even thinking about this. I am also afraid he will die slowly like my mother and I will have to endure that again. I guess I am a greedy, narcisstic, shallow prick because of these thoughts. I have noticed my negative self talk is getting worse again. There is a scene in the movie "Sliding Doors" with Gweneth Paltrow where her boyfriend is talking to himself in the bathroom mirror. "You're talking to yourself in the mirror again." I don't do that but I am not nice to myself either. I guess that is one reason I call my blog dumbdavid.

It's hard to have a low self-esteem,
when you don't have any....

peace

dumbdavid