I was re-reading my last post. I watched Garden State again tonight. The poem I wrote, "A life in moving pictures" is a lie to myself. It is the denial of my loneliness. I watch movies like Garden State to surreptiously steal some the joy of the characters finding each other [Andrew and Sam]. There is something so magical in the first moments of a relationship. It is better than heroin. No drunk ever felt as good as that first kiss. I can close my eyes and re-live the first moment we had together of my last relationship. Standing so close it crushes your chest making it hard to breathe or believe it's real.
I wonder if I will find that ever again. Do I even deserve it at this point. All I wanted was to be loved by that special person. I didn't even care about the repercussions. I was selfish, greedy, and insensitive. Karma has come around and caught up with me.
Weeds
Reaping all that I have sown, yes
My garden of weeds grows around me
Stand knee deep in my failure
Dull tools can't dig out deep rooted
Neglect and Malfeasance I've done
Pulling with bare bleeding hands
Weeds multiply faster than pulled
Twisted around ankles falling in
Putrid rotting failure surrounds
peace
dumbdavid
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