Fathers

I was watching Law and Order SVU: tonight. Christopher Meloni's is an actor who plays Det. Elliot Stabler in the show is struggling with anger. He ended up tonight at a therapist after beating up his ex-partner. The therapist quickly waded through his tough guy image. Elliot had beaten up his ex-partner because the partner was in the process of assaulting his son. The therapist asked Eliot about his father. He tried at first to act like nothing was out of ordinary [common defense mechanism]. Elliot eventually recalled an event where his father beat him with a belt calling him a failure. I wasn't expecting it. I started crying, of course. It's hard not too when you have been on the receiving of such a beating.

I have never discussed this with my father as an adult. I don't plan on it either. I have forgiven him in the only way I can. We have a pretty good relationship now simply based on need. He is my only parent left since my Mom died in April. I am his only child since my older brother died in 1980. It's funny. He never said "I love you," to me as I grew up. It has taken the loss of my mother to open up. I am grateful for this even though I still deal with the leftovers of my childhood.

I was doing research on the web today. I am working on my second book of poetry. I was sorting through my collection of poems for suitable ones. I found a poem I had written earlier this year. I have had trouble maintaining or beginning relationships with people. I wrote, "Boy in the Bubble", about my difficulty with people socially. I was searching the web for info about attachment disorder. It sometimes is hard when you have minor in psychology, you only know vague descriptions. I found a website Avoidant Personality Disorder that has information on something I might be suffering from. It really described a lot of things that made sense to me. It is limited help because I have no health insurance. I have been considering seeing a doctor because of my depression again. I could bring up this subject too.

peace

dumbdavid